The Unspoken Worth of Silence

Source:  The Period of Silence

A time of quarantine due to the current pandemic might be a curious time to talk about the value of silence, and yet this is the time when I feel more need of it.

The world is being called to stay at home and practice social distancing, and though this happens in the physical world, the virtual world is exploding with more and more content, more and more chats and messages and calls. I would not call myself an introvert - people who know me know I am more of an extrovert - but I have never before more than now have felt just how much the contact with others overwhelms me.

In normal circumstances, I have several periods during the day that allow me to be entirely alone, undisturbed and able to be with myself. During this period, I have found that people keep reaching to me throught different means and for different reasons. Thus, though I am at home, isolated from others, I am not disconnected. This has been affecting my mood.

I could feel I was getting more and more irritated, and there was no way for me to stop it. Even after my working hours where over, and I turned off my computer, people kept talking to me, messaging me, wanting me to fill their idle, alone hours with conversation so they wouldn't feel alone. Yes, I can understand that, but they thing is that I need to feel alone. I need that silence to retrieve, to regroup. Curiously, during meditation I also have found that imagining a white light or any light for that matter bothers me, but if I imaging enveloping, soft twilight or darkness, filled with the sounds and scents and textures of old forests, that achieves to calm me.

These times are hard, but are not impossible on us. Let's find ways to adapt. I'll try to find a schedule to silence my phone after work, disconnect at all my meals, stand up more often from my chair, play a few minutes with my cats, write a line or two in my journal. Do you have any ideas? :-D

Update and Question about a Thorny Situation

Long time no see. How you've been? I've been doing fine, or sort of fine. Since last time I wrote, I defended my last thesis (Marketing), which went fine (of course), and I've got FINALLY out of that circle of studying! For those who know, I was also in a hurry about all those diplomas because these were loose ends for me, open cycles I wanted completed. There was this nagging thing about them, also because they appeared in old CV's of mine and always as unfinished, and some people seemed to believe that that was just like "finished" and so expected me to be able to do stuff I was no longer updated with or didn't actually had the certification to do them. But now all that is behind me.

However, never be said that I stay idle about anything, and so I enrolled into a Masters Degree program with my old Alma Mater. Yes, I am back to Economics, and in an Academic Program, not a Professional Program, because - though I am not in the Academia - I don't like pre-chewed and easy stuff. Will I regret it? Stay tuned.

If you are wondering now why can't I be normal? my answer is: Why would I? Normal is boring. I tried it once, you know? It made me want to kill everthing in site. I didn't, of course, but I quickly veered back to crazy. It's better for all of us. Trust me.

My house is still in process, and with serious delays. There have been issues and my dad keeps picking up fights with the foreman, and the foreman has also been doing somethings wrong and trying to hide them, and so that ensures more fights and... I will have to burn massive amounts of palo santo, sage, sandalwood and rosemary to chase out all that negativity. The house itself is looking wonderful, and different issues are being addressed. I'm getting my bathtub the way I want it and currently my only worry is how are they going to solve my hot water, since I want it made with a gas boiler because - in my experience - that's the only one that gives me water as hot as I like it, which is scalding hot.

So these are the important events of my life up to date.

Property of Stormberry

Regarding my situation with that friend of mine, yesterday I was finally able to write down in my journal everything that happened and was important on November 17th of last year, which was when we met at our old University and he told me he had left his wife. This was a very, very important day in my life, and this whole experience was life changing for me, because him and me got so much closer together, and from that day on I felt I had earned a brother, and my heart exploded for him.

It was hard, and I was so afraid of forgetting the details and letting his day and this experience slip through my fingers as my memory is famously bad. It was a long process and one through which I had to struggle a lot. The final part, that last mile, started on Saturday (two days ago) and I decided to write and write and keep writing until all was finally on the paper. And so I did, and so yesterday, after about seven or eight hours of continuos writing, I managed to get it done.

I'm not done just yet, as there is one other very significant day to our story and our friendship/brotherhood, which I also want to record, but at least this one is already on paper.

Though I have bitched quite a lot about him through the years - and boy, I have bitched! - at the end of the day it's plain to see that I do care a lot about him, that I do love him and love him deeply and carry his fate close to my heart. He's currently the only one of my friends I keep close tabs on, pretty much acting in a mother hen fashion - which I know I should be stopping because he is an adult and capable of making his own decisions and facing his own life for himself - because I have this imperative need to make sure he is well and happy. The gods are wise they removed the desire of being a mother from me. I would have probably raised the next Norman Bates!

The thing is - and here comes the topic of the post - that I have made friends with a girl who suffers from a mental disease. Her situation is complicated and I have the sense that she's very fragile. Up to my ability, I have tried to understand her, give her her space and be there for her as a friend when she needs it. My discomfort has begun when I've realized that she's in love with me, and has been trying to push herself more and more into my life, which I don't want. I'm truly scared to hurt her, but I do not want to upend my whole life supporting someone who will expect things from me I can't give her. I've tried my best to be gentle, friendly, and let her know that I've other priorities.

From what I gather, I've seen her plan to move into my house, or at least spend long seasons there - even though I have never made such an invitation - and then suggesting I should stop talking to my friend, because he's toxic for me. She's been falling more and more into crisis - or maybe that was always here regular rate and only now I know about it - and what bothers me is that her family is there, and I know they care, but it's almost as if she were expect me to take care of her situation.

I do like her, and she can be a great friend, but right now I don't know how could I backpedal this whole thing. I've already stopped telling her a lot of things about my life, stopped mentioning my friend to her altogether, and have been telling her less and less, keeping the conversation more and more superficial.

However, I could use advise if anyone has some to give. How can I be suportive of a friend with a mental disease, prone to hurting themselves while keeping my own independence and my own life?