When the plan don't plan

 Sometimes what you need is a coffee and a moment to breathe, and sometimes you feel like you can't afford even that. Now, yes, that can be insensitive to say, when you think about the people who can't afford to buy coffee, but I mean that coffee in a figurative form.

Yesterday I had one of those days, when I felt that things were burying me under. I was constantly doing something, tending small tasks for a variety of spheres of my life - politics, union, office, personal, family - and from time to time I felt like I wasn't even making any advances on anything. Sometimes I also caught myself just staring blankly at the computer screen and had no idea what was I watching or what had happened in the last 20 minutes or so of the series or movie I was supposed to be watching. I was checking out.

I caught myself thinking why was I so lost, when I have a planner and I should be able to use the tools I have learned to organize my tasks in a manageable manner, and give myself plenty of breathing space, but a look at my planner told me that I was busy with things I have not planned at all. And I guess that was the root of what was going on with me: I was swarmed by urgent tasks and I didn't take the time to step back and make a plan to tackle them all. I was just too busy dealing with what was flying into my lap. Work plan ideas, help with contacting people, sending documents and e-mails other people are responsible for, signing myself for things that do interest me, but for which I have no time. And I wasn't looking at my planner.

You see, time is very much like money, but we don't have a time-credit card. With time, just like with money, we can imagine that we have more of it than what we really have. We may end up signing up to do more things that what we are capable of doing, or what we can afford with our energy level. Too many groups, too many get-togethers, too many meetings, too many appointments, too many plans. Then, when we realize, it happens that we don't have the time to do them all, and we start pushing and borrowing time from one thing to the next, doing things at the same time, squeezing tasks in time slots we view as "unproductive", and then we wonder why are we so wired up and why are we so tired. It's almost like maxing your credit card.

A planner is like a checking book for your time. If you stop seeing every single line (hour) as a slot that needs to be "productive", you can actually see where do you have time to do something, and how much time can you give to a given task. Time will also show you to learn and pencil in down times and transition times. Don't deal with tasks and requests as soon as they get to you, no matter how others say it's so urgent. Make your own decisions, and be willing to decline. If it's so urgent and you don't have the time to do it - and you must respect your personal times too - then kindly tell the person that they should find someone else to deal with it. Oh, there are recriminations and guilty trips? Well, if someone resources to that because you said no, that's not a person you should be listening to. People who do that is people who doesn't respect you, so why would you want to be associated with them, right?

So, if the plan doesn't plan, take a moment to analyze the situation and decide how much in on your plate and how much can you really afford to attend. And then cut the excess.

Take a Moment to Chill

Property of Stormberry

 The title is more for me than you, but if you feel like you need to chill too, by all means, apply it to yourself as well. These last two weeks have been full of activities for me, and even though the workload at the office have been low, my personal and social life has been taking a lot of space and time. This is what happens when you commit to a group and that group goes through a period of expansion.

In the last days I've been working after work contacting people who want to affiliate to our political party and going through the mechanics of doing background checks - something basic and simple, nothing nefarious -, interviewing them and then adding them to the right chat. And at the same time, I - who am not fond of WhatsApp or group chats - have to go on checking so many chat groups that I am considering to write myself a "chat dictionary" so that I know which one is for which.

and next week won't be much different, as I'll take a workshop to be able to conduct induction talks to the new affiliates, which means that, on top of carding through lists of people requesting to affiliate, doing the background checks, and interviewing them, I'll also have groups assigned to give them induction talks at given times per week, for which I'll have to prepare. And that's just part of it! I have all this energy for action and I'm finding places to use it: help in a district improvement plan, work with the Women's Committee, tackle a project to systematize all the Bills the Party has put forth, make a financial analysis of the municipal budget, and so on. And I'm excited about all of this!

But, the truth of the matter is that we are finite beings with limited resources. Each of us only has 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and limited amounts of energy. We must prioritize, distribute energy and also find spaces to replenish. If we can take a moment to charge our phones, tablets and laptops, why couldn't we do the same with ourselves?

Unplug, journal, read, knit or just watch a series or a movie if you really can't tear yourself away from the screen (though it's better to do so). Step away from work and projects, grab that old record player and put on an LP. Take your time, concentrate on placing the needle, and listen to music for 20 or 30 minutes. Measure time in a different way, away from the trappings of modern life, designed to keep you scrolling.

Take a moment to chill.

A Lovely Printer (Another)

 I had fully intended to post weekly on this blog, but that's not something I can fully achieve right now. It's not only a matter of "life happens" - which is an expression, I know, but really, what the hell with "life happens"? Life doesn't "happen", life is lived. Gods, sometimes expressions can irk me with their stupidity - but more a matter of me being busy and my head being twice as busy. We had presidential elections last week, and sadly, we had to find out just how profoundly stupid the population can be, how easily they fall prey to demagogues and manipulators. I know, I know, "you shouldn't call stupid the people who choose an autocratic, anti-democratic figure, because they have been let down by previous parties". Can you read that again please? Why would anyone sane enough choose someone who has proven to be abhorrently bad just because twelve years ago someone was somewhat bad? I tell you why? Because people want to believe lies, want permission to be violent and lash out, they take what they have for granted, expect promises of abundance to be kept and threats of exploitation to be "just words. And they vote in real life, with their heads in a bubble, and think that they would be spared of the horror they wish on others.

Explain to me how is that anything other than stupidity, if you were so kind.

Yes, I'm upset, BUT I'll cut that thought thread here and concentrate on pretty things. Like my new portable printer. Goodness, I am in love!

Property of Stormberry

If you are a journaling enthusiast, you may have come across the portable photo printers. A couple of years ago they were the rage. If you followed social media - which I used to do back in the day - you've probably saw the rise of the portable photo printer splashed all over your feed, with wonderful tiny pictures being printed from your phone, idea to be added to your journal, as a way to enrich your record keeping. This allowed you to print out not only photographs you made, but also pictures you've found, interesting quotes and so on.

The first ones I saw in social media were printers that used heat paper to print, and they were mainly monochromatic. The paper was thin and it didn't add bulk to the journal, but I was worried about the longevity of the print, which most influencers using these printers didn't talk about. 

But, how long does a heat print last? Well, if you are used to request and keep the vouchers of your card purchases - you know, that curling strip of paper you can get with your purchases - you may have noticed, that many of them have significantly faded by the time you have to do your tax declaration. I happen to usually keep my recipes for up to two years, thus I know that these prints don't last two years. This bothered me about the heat printed pictures. Why spend money, print and glue down a picture only to have a piece of paper in your journal two days from now that has nothing on it?

Portable photo printers are a luxury. No, not like a luxury bag, but definitively they are not a necessity. Thus, though I was tempted to get one - because being influenced is real thing - I spent years mulling over it, researching options, discarding the idea and then going back again to it.

At one point I found this Kodak P210R Mini 2 Retro printer in a comparison line up, and it came up like the one that produced the longest lasting and best quality photos. They are printed, and you can actually see each color - yellow, magenta, cyan - being laid on the page, and finally being coated, so the end product doesn't look like those pictures printed on photo paper, where the ink clearly sits on top of the upper coat, taking away the satin of the page.

It wasn't easy to synchronize with my phone, and you have to make sure it is on each time you want to print, but other than that, I am pleased (so far) with the printer.

Something I like is that it reminds me of old photographing experiences. Pictures were more precious when you had a roll of 12 or 24 or 36 pictures and you had to make each one count. You would think carefully of each shoot and make it count, consider how many pictures did you had left, and then go and have them revealed. You would sit from time to time with friends and family, or by your own with your photo album and relive those memories. It was so different from today's pictures-in-phone, where people scroll unseeing from loads of pictures to find one they need, and just for a moment. It's like we are so flooded with pictures they loose all their value, all their interest.

A portable photo printer is not going to change the perception people have of pictures, but for some of us it's a way yo go back to those days when photos were scarce, reserved only for special events.

Printer Hell

Property of Stormberry

 My EPSON printer has spent a year - give or take - refusing to print in black. I've been printing stuff in blue but I had enough. So I bought a new printer. Not an EPSON because I didn't want to go through the same ordeal, and my parents recently bought an EPSON ECO tank printer and it decided not to work anymore before it  turned two years old. So yes, no EPSON.

On Wednesday I took my eldest nephew to dinner, to celebrate his birthday, and so I tied that with a couple of errands, that had to do with printing. Specifically, I had to have some documents printed for my mother, so that she can get some healthcare procedures done, and the one place I know of where you can print out things is at the Office Depot. Getting to the Office Depot takes me around 45 minutes. It's not sustainable.

Since I had some surplus money (a financial compromise I had didn't go through), and so I invested that in a printer. A Brother.

Yesterday I tried to install it. It's not the first printer I install, and it's not the first printer I install on my Mac, but this is the first that just don't want to cooperate. Boy. it's driving me crazy.

End of the Vacations, Beginning of the New Year

Property of Stormberry

 There's something beautiful about ending the year away from home, taking a bit of distance to see things in perspective, recharge, and then come back with fresh energies. I love being in Europe, but my life has lead me to find my chances to work and earn a living outside my beloved continent. That income is the one that made it possible for me to save up and build my house, to be able to pay my debts, and to visit my darling Europe. I really love this place.

I'm writing this in the last minutes I'll spend at the hotel (less than an hour), and I would love to, at least, start journaling a little bit too, all before I have to go across the street, buy a new Navigo card, a new One Day Paris Visit Pass, because yesterday I lost my card. That really got to my nerves. I know, I know, there are larger problems to have, than having lost a public transport card you just recharged with €45,40 (a two day Paris Visit Pass), and now having to pay €33 or so for the card (€2,00) and the one day pass. Why one day and not just one ticket? Because I like being sure I am covered for the day, even if I only have to go from Gare du Nord to Charles de Gaule. I like to be on the safe side. 

I believe the card must have slipped out of my pocket when I put my phone in the same pocket and then pulled it out. Because the card is really gone.

Not having that card ruined a few things for me yesterday. I had plans and once I found my card missing, not only I didn't feel like doing them, at my age (that would be 50 years-old) walking that much, in winter is not as feasible as it used to be when I was 40. Now I like to wander, yes, but having a public transport card in my pocket that can take me back to the hotel when I'm too tired to make another step.

My plans had included going to Foucher, the chocolate shop, to get some chocolate and candied fruit for my mom, and then find a LEGO store to see if I can get a particular LEGO my brother wanted, but I forgot to buy in Budapest. Or check if it was already available. From the hotel, I decided to walk to the chocolate shop (a 31 minute walk that felt like 45 minutes), since the but I was counting on was not available due to construction work on the street. So, at that moment I may have had the card in my pocket, or maybe had already lost it. I went to the chocolate store, bought the chocolates, and when I was out and started looking for my Navigo card to have it ready for swapping at the Metro gates, I noticed it was nowhere to be found. That's when all got pear shaped. 

My next stop would have been Châtelet-Les Halles, where the commercial center was where the LEGO store was... as well as a FNAC. It was going to be a look-for-LEGOs-check-more-books kind of trip. I had no chance but to walk back.

That walk back felt annoying and long and more tiring. Though I logically knew that I could buy a new Navigo Card, that I could recharge it with a new Paris Visit Pass, even again a 2 day one, and honestly €45,40 isn't that steep of a price I couldn't afford, it felt like a catastrophe and ruined my mood. I went back to the hotel, bought food and holed up in my room, annoyed. It was funny because I was anxious about getting that big LEGO for my brother, and how would I get it through customs at the airport, as it surely has no "cabin luggage" size. Now I was off that task because I wasn't getting the LEGO, and still, I felt upset. I felt upset because of the card, and for disappointing my brother. Not like he can't buy the LEGO by himself, and all he wants is to have it before it arrives to Costa Rica, and not like I have the moral obligation to supply my brother with huge LEGOs every time I travel. Gods, I am not a courier! And still, my mood was ruined.

How many times have something small, logically irrelevant ruined your mood? Maybe more times that you care to remember. Through my conversations with psychologists, I realize I tend to rationalize a lot, and my first instinct usually is to think things through rationally. Well, I'm an economist, I work with numbers. However, there are times when logic doesn't help and may even make things worse, for instance when something small, irrelevant gets the best of you. Why bother so much for something that can be fixed so easily? No, I don't have €45,40 laying around idly, and yes, that is still money, BUT the point is that, if there was a real need, like the train is leaving me and I have to jump on it in that moment, I could have paid it again, and only be mildly annoyed about having lost the first card. So, if it was so "grave" why wasn't I going to the next station, look for a ticket seller and getting one? Because the point wasn't rational, it was emotional. I was upset I would not make my brother happy. I was upset he would be sad because I didn't get him the LEGO he wanted.

I was annoyed for the one logical, rational, material little detail - the Navigo Card and the pass already paid and lost - and getting riled up because it was so small and irrelevant and yet, I was thinking it was making me upset. But I wasn't really upset for the card, but concentrating on the card was easier that facing my feelings: I was upset I was disappointing my brother. Once I was ready and willing to face that, I could start working on feeling better, and I will. I still have to work on stop rationalizing everything, accepting that's how I feel and knowing that the feeling will be over once I see him, he makes a sad face and then we will move on. And the world won't end.

Sometimes it is worth to think a little bit deeper about what annoys us, give ourselves time and be willing to ask ourselves not from the logical, rational perspective, but from the emotional one. We are, after all, also emotional beings. All of us.

Getting Sick on Winter Holidays

 It has been happening for a while now, that I tend to get awfully sick during my winter holidays in the Old Continent. And that's not funny. It's annoying. Getting sick is annoying as it is, but getting sick on the holidays is doubly annoying because I can't get sick days out of it. And it's winter! I love winter. Even if it's not snowing - which I definitively adore - I would love to be out, walking in the chilly air, breathing hin the fresh, sharp scents of the season. And yet I am sick.

Last year, on my trip to Europe in winter, I've got very sick in Brussels, after visiting a friend, with some sort of stomach flu that pretty much floored me for days. It wasn't funny at all to drag my carcass from Brussels center to the airport, up the plane, down the plane and then all the way to my family's home. But I made it. I soldiered through it.

After a long period of not traveling - I was engaged building my house, so time and money went entirely into that noble cause - last year's extended trip was the first in a long time. I did remember, due to the symptoms, that I have had a similar experience in the past, also during a trip to Europe in winter, but then I thought it was due to some odd sort of beverage poisoning. (Now I have a different theory.) But now, as I've got sick once again - probably due to having caught a nasty type of flu on the plane here - I've started thinking about how many times have I had to suspend my plans to go places and meet people because I was nursing some sort of sickness. It didn't happen every time, but I have the feeling that it has happened more often than I care to remember. So, something needs to be done. (As for what, I'm still preparing my plans on that front.)

This year I've been to Europe twice, if we don't count that I started the year here already, and my plan is to continue traveling twice a year here: once in winter, which is my favorite season of the year, and once in spring. I don't travel to Europe in summer, because the heat of the summer is intolerable. In Spring, however, I was totally well. I guess that type of weather is closer to what I'm more used to, so I'm better prepared, but still, I don't want to give up winters. So, what should I start to do different to make sure my stays here are better? The things that are expected are: regular medical check ups, keep my vaccines always updated, always be punctual with my meds, though I actually don't take any regular medication right now.

Other things that come to mind always include improve nutrition with more fresh, natural, home made foods, maybe even include superfoods in my diet, though I'm not very fond of those. More exercise and all that, and all that is good, but... I live most of the year in a tropical country, and I come to spend holidays in the winter of Europe, so I suspect that there is a part of all of this that no amount of great nutrition and exercise is going to help me with. Shall I go with supplements? This things keep me thinking.

Then there is the other part of the question: how much will this cost me.

My whole budget plan for 2026 is already planned out, and tweaking it at this point is already quite complicated. My budget is really tight. There is a fund of health, and though I always make my best to get my health matters covered by the Social Security, I'm not sure how much out of pocket money would a potentially extended plan require. These are things I still have to think about.

Last Post of 2023

Property of Stormberry

 I'm finishing this year with:

1. A lot of plans for the next year,
2. Resolve to endure to get much closer to my goals throughout 2024,
3. COVID-19 for the first time in my life.

Yep, that last one is quite a thing. For me. I came down with what I thought was "flu" on Christmas day, but it wasn't until two days later, upon the insistence of my mother (she suspected it could be COVID), that I took the test (there was one kit at home) that I realized I, indeed, had COVID. Oh goodie. I managed to avoid it for three years, but in the end I became a member of the club.

I guess I have this new Eris variant, but if you ask me, it feels exactly the way flu feels like. The first two days were horrid, and now I'm stuck with the Runny-Nose-From-Hell. I'm pretty sure I've blown my weight in snot out of my nose by now. Isn't that lovely?

The advance on the thesis front is really slow, as the current task isn't very inspiring and quite time consuming. But it is, nontheless, moving forward. I just really hope I can finish it this year, as I'm aiming for that in one of my New Year Resolutions. I just want to be over with it, so I can start working on getting a PhD.

Both the MSc as the PhD are a matter of personal goals, and not a professional goal, as my current job hardly even recognized the actual work I do, much less my preparation I have for it, so the extra degrees are simply a way for me to accumulate and explore new knowledge. What can I say? Some people colect stuff, others like travel, others rather party or date or have sex, and I like knowledge. Now, this doesn't mean that I only read serious, scientific or philosophical things, as nothing could be farther from reality. I like stories, and my favoured type of readings are novels. I guess I like knowledge because I like the stories that come within the knowledge I seek: economics (my favored area) are full of stories.

I can't blame COVID for the slowing of the progress of my thesis, but I do intend to use the days of vacation (of which half is already gone) to work on it, and present my tutor with something of an advanced improvement by the begining of next year. I really need to get going, get all this small details hammered out so I can go on with the story behind my research: innovation policy's effect on labor.

By the end of this year I've made a couple of big decisions looking forward to 2024. I paid in advance the whole year at a gym, and so I intend so go, at least twice a week, to get in better shape. With that in mind I also ordered a new fitbit to keep myself motivated to exercise. My weight has been going up and I moved into the overweight zone, so I have to start making changes to get back to the normal weight, not only because that's healthier, but also because I want to fit back in my clothes again. It would be just too expensive to change my whole closet. And I like a lot of my clothes, so why change them?

Every year I also tend to make big budget plans to rid myself of debt - inspired mostly by the incredible success I had in 2011 when I whipped out  a staggering debt by the sheer power of my determination - and this year I have made that same decision with a small added trick: a more detailed plan and an actual commitment to get it done. I have two debts: the credit card and the loan from the FGA. The FGA loan works down in a constant fashion, but the credit card debt fluctuates as here and there I find myself in need of using the card. After much thinking I realized that the trigger for my card is always the same: vet expenses.

I've changed vets last year, as our old vet has become hideous with cats. The new vet is a place that actually specializes in cats, but I have been noticing that - under the guise of worry and care - they have been pumping out loads of money from me (my card, to be precise) for a lot of check ups and test my babies probably don't need. One of my cats -Woody - has costed me a fortune with citologies and a biopsy of an unhealing nose problem. It turns out that he has feline AIDS and on top of that a very serious skin cancer. The outlook for him is bleak and his chances to get cured are minimal, yet the vet was pushing for an appointoment with an oncologist and maybe start a chemotherapy treatment. That's where I hit the breaks. Goodness, no. I won't run myself into debt to torture my cat and make his last days a living hell.

I've decided to limit the vet visits to vaccines and that will be that. And to kill my credit card. So I sat down, mapped up all my forseeable expenses and laid out a detailed fortnight by forthnight plan. It came out quite a strick one, with nearly no wiggle room, but certainly one that needs to be implemented.

Something we sometimes forget to see is our own reality. By turning a blind eye, by not making a plan, not looking at our balance, we try to pretend that things are much better, much easier, or running much better than they are. I did not delude myself, these are my expenses, these are the things I spend on, and my only "wiggle room" are my groceries, where sometimes I run amok packing up the cart with things I end up throwing out as they rot on my shelves or my fridge (my waste basket eats more veggies than I do).

2024 is a year for me to take a hard look at things, work for my goals, carve a path for the future I want from here on and get on with the program. It's not going to be easy, I know that, but it's nothing I can't deal with. I have proven myself time and again that I can adapt and I can flourish in any situation. I am resilient, creative and I can stick to my own plans with astonishing stubbornness, as my recent Mock Lottery Project showed me this year. If I want it, I can make it happen, and I will make it happen.

2024 will be the year I'll step on the gas on to reach my goal to become the Aunt March of my story.

Litha, Books and Stuff

Blessed Litha to all of you who celebrate it, and for those who don't, I hope you are having a lovely Wednesday. It's night already and I haven't celebrated my patron gods yet, nor have I done any ritual for Litha, but I plan to. As usual, it will be a simple thing, lighting candles and some incense, and meditating a bit. Just today in the morning, I thought how curious it was that, when I didn't have my own place, I used to set these makeshift altars, with loads of candles, on the floor, and do my rituals. The spread was quite large, took time to set and time to pick it up, and it had happened that a ritual took me up to four hours of just me talking to my gods. Now I have my own place, I don't have to take down my altar and now my spread is much smaller, much simpler, it's permanent and doesn't change much throughout the year, and my rituals are done in less than 15 minutes. I find that curious.

I've been lagging in my spiritual practice lately, and maybe that's due to the fact that one of my morning routines is to do a localized cleaning in my home, and somehow it feels that I can't possibly add any more things to my morning. Not like moving my daily ritual to the night wouldn't work, BUT my energy tends to be different at that moment. We shall see about that.

Property of Stormberry.

For this year, I've already bought my birthday books, and I've very pleased with them. Maybe "The Paris Apartment" may not be as good, but it still caught my attention. And I just realized all the books I've got have been written by women, and except by The Paris Apartment (maybe), all the books I selected revolve around women, with Olimpia, Fedra and The Lions of Fifth Avenue (Los Secretos de la Biblioteca de la Quinta Avenida) being of a more feminist cut. Also, all books save for The Paris Apartment are in Spanish. Normally I prefer to buy books in their original language, when I can read the original language, but oh well, in the end the important thing is the story, and not the language or the edition.

Currently I'm reading a novel by Jaume Cabré in Hungarian. I believe it was originally written in Catalan, but many things I find them in Spanish or similar to Spanish, and that does tend to irk me a tad. It's like when I was reading a Scandinavian noir novel in French and though I don't speak Icelandic, the interspersed Icelandic names and words with the French felt odd. I wonder if other people is sensible to the language the same way I am.

On book topics, recently I've come to a decision I've been pondering for a while: I'll stop supporting a friend's Patreon account. I have this booktuber friend who got a Patreon account where they offer bookclubs and different activities, exclusive content and so on, and I've been supporting them for years now. They are really creative and give so much that I often thought they were overcompensating, giving far more than what they charge. From the start I've got into the higher tier of the account. Also, though we knew each other from before, in passing and as part of the Costa Rican booktube community, I believe we didn't became really friends until after I joined the Patreon group.

From the start I wasn't participating in all the joint readings and bookclubs they held, but went to the meetings, watched all the videos and so on. It was nice and it was worth it. 

However, for a while now I have really been disconnected from the booktube world, I'm not watching their videos, not joining their reading session and haven't read a book with them in over a year. I hardly even go to the meetings, and when I do, it feels kind of pointless because I haven't read the book, nor am I interested in reading the book. Yes, the people in the meetings are friendly, and some of them tend to talk incesantly about other topics, which make the meting more inclusive, but that's not the point of these meetings. I kept paying my membership because I felt sort of like I "had" to support my friend, that I could affort to help them out, even though I wasn't profiting from it at all. I even ignore their chat, and just get into the chat to get the notification bubble disappearing. I don't read the messages nor am I interested in them.

I was in this point, not really thinking about what to do, just ignoring the whole thing, and sometimes checking something... at 1.75x speed. Then recently they posted a video that was quite... strange. It sounded defensive and bigoted, covertly attacking people who have different reading habits than theirs. Funny thing? Pretty much all the things they mentioned as "reading mistakes" are how I read. And this was what finally did it for me. This was the message, the signal I wanted, the one that said: this has stopped being for you.

The video shocked me, not only because it does felt personal, but because I'm not the only person who reads like that, and so it may get a bad reaction from their audience. It was surely a big flop, even though they clearly stated that "this was just their subjective opinion". (Except that, by the way it was worded it sounded like "it is my opinion, but people who do this are totally wrong". It wasn't an opinion, it was a series of judgemental statements, even though that wasn't probably the intent behind it.) After I decided to unsubscribe from the account, I started thinking about how to let her know, because I don't want to just disappear. I do believe that we are friends (maybe). And so I've been thinking about that. I just don't want to waste money on soemthing I'm not using, and there is not point in hanging in there when the Universe is showing me that our literary interests have grown apart. So, why bother?

I hate conflict, so I'm preparing, and I gave myself until Friday to broach the subject with them, and end my membership next month.

Property of Stormberry

Today, I have also been crafty. It wasn't planned, though I do have thought for a while about making a box of sorts to house my recipe cards. I always take recipe cards from my favorite market, because these often give me interesting ideas for cooking, baking or for fixing an interesting drink. I haven't tried them all, but I never fail to collect them. I rather have duplicates than miss a recipe. As result I have a bunch of them. I used to have them between the covers of one of my cooking books, but the book was already falling apart, so I took them out.

This year, as I was thinking about how to house the cards, I decided to classify them depending on the type of recipe, and then ordered them in a "lattice like" way to keep the cathegories separated, and held the whole bunch with elastic bands. Well, that wasn't very comfortable, but since I don't check them often, it was ok.

Today I thought about baking bread - Brötchen or Semmeln actually - and I was going to get my recipe when I looked at my cards and decided to fashion up a simple cardboard box out of a leftover cardboard piece from a calendar. You know, the type of cardboard used to stiffen the packaged calendars. And so with a piece of cardboard, glue, a ruler, scissors and a cutter, I made it. I also fashioned dividers for each section with colored flashcards, post-it notes, scotch tape and a fountain pen. The box turned out to be a little more snug than I expected, fitting the cards exactly, and not with the 2 mm marging I had planned on giving it. I would actually like to make the box in wood, and carve it with a pyrograph, but that's a project for the future.

Freeze Spell

 

Property of Stormberry

Recently I've been considering to do a freezing spell. I am not one to go around doing spells that affect other people, or spells in general, but I am more the kind of witch that rather do cleansing and protection spells, and manifest and has mantras and all that kind of love&light magical work. I do not like to meddle with other people or other entities, and I prefer my work to remain centered on myself, as a building and improving process.

Through my practice, though, I have collected tidbits of spell, and this was given to me by a friend and fellow witch, aimed mainly to stop people from doing something, oftentimes from doing harm. The downside of this spell is that if it's broken, the person gets released with vengeance. And of course, it has a price on the witch, just by making it. Being that I am a risk-averse human - in all areas of my life (I'm a huge advocate of Comfort Zones) - the idea of making a freezing spell was a no-no. Yes, knowing about them is important to me, but not for something I would ever consider doing.

The freeze spell as come up in the podcasts I listen to, and I think also in one of my recent readings, and so I also got a different view on their use: they can be a "hold up" spell, a way to slow or stop something but not indefinitively, but only until you are ready. This definitively sounds better. This gave the freeze spell a different outlook, a way to "buy time". But I still wasn't going to commit it to my Book of Shadows. (Yeah, that's another project I should be retaking, specially now since I think I know the kind of witch I am: a kitchen witch. But I digress.)

Recently I had a very uncomfortable situation with a friend, who has been behaving in an unpleasant manner. This person can no longer be excused for "being young", or "having lived a sheltered life", and recently has been not only voiced deeply troubling views about others, lifestyles and ideologies, but also has been telling tall tales or downright lying about things that make no sense, and which make you wonder that if they are so willing to lie about such insignificant things, and then contradict themselves without batting an eye, what would they not be willing to say and do about important matters. Usually, when someone in my circle displays troubling behavior, I deal with it by cutting that topic or situation out of our regular meetings, and this normally work. With this person, however, the points of discomfort constantly popped up, couldn’t be cut off, and instead multiplied reaching new areas. This resulted on this person then trying to control the situation and control others as well in things like what we eat when we go out, or what we check out in stores and so on. No, it didn't work with me.

Then, offhandedly, this person asked me if I was going to a grill party their spouse and a friend of mine were organizing. That was the first time I heard of it, so I said I had not heard of it, so I don't know. They started pushing, that I had to go, my friend will soon call me, surely, it was something for the five of us at my friend's place, and I had to be there. I found it odd that my friend wouldn't tell me, and I had to know from other people. Well, it turned out that a) nothing was being organized, as it was an idea for a get together of a group of people I'm not part of (so I wasn't even going to be invited), b) it wasn't going to be at my friend's place, and c) with this person's actions, my friend and their spouse were put into a stressful situation. When I started confronting this person about the facts, they said that the idea of the group was my friends, that it wasn't the original idea, and that they prefered if I went, because otherwise they would be bored and needed someone to talk to.

Oh, so I was to be their... "lady in waiting"?

I talked over with my friend and their spouse and they were annoyed this person had taken the liberty to themselves to invite people to their home without consulting them and without having the facts about there being something organized or not.

For many days I was so mad, and I was avoiding this person, journaling copiously about what had transpired. But then, as I cooled down, I though of the freeze spell, and how this could be a solution. Sure, I can just block them entirely and cut them off, no magic in the middle, but then I thought thatit would be much more beneficial if, softly, I could slip away out of their mind, and open a window for them to meditate on their words, their actions and their attitude. I can hope they get a light to shine on what they are doing, that there's nothing wrong with living the life they have, there's no need to fabricate drama or pretend to be grand when they are regular people like the rest of us. I can only hope they find the time to meditate and work actively to improve themselves and their life.

Yes, this would be magic and this is an act of hope. I can cut them off, being confrontational, which I don't like, but what good would it come from that? Maybe they receive the energy to do this inner work, maybe they don't, but for me, it's worth to send some light so someone I believe needs it, as I am not the only one pulling away because they make others feel uncomfortable.

A Year Begins with Mercury Retrograde

Property of Stormberry

 Happy 2023. The year started with us dipped in Mercury Retrograde season, and truth to be told, it didn't feel much like Mercury Retrograde once we were in it. Or at least it didn't feel so for me. Could it be that I'm learning to surf it better? I did try to be careful and concentrate more in the introspective part of the equation, taking time to meditate instead of jumping into action with a now-or-never attitude. There were lucky strikes through this season and really good stuff I had not expected.

But at the same time, I did saw people being roughed up in the waves of the retrograde, getting bad news and trying to start things that worked against them. Not in the least, I saw that in politics, but then again most of politics nowadays seem to be living in permanent Mercury Retrograde, independently of what are the celestial bodies doing or where they are.

I'm taking my time with my thesis (again), which shows in the fact that I have taken several weeks off active thesis work, dealing mostly with thought process and organizing my ideas, but without commiting anything or much to paper. Then, notes started jotting on scraps of paper, into the notes section of my planner, or the margins of the printed out versions of the chapter drafts I have specifically put on paper for this reason: so they organically catch the notes and ideas in a way that I can see them and relate to them easier. I don't cease to admire people who can do all their notetaking digitally, on so many tablets, phones and apps, because that to me seems so dry, so lifeless and more messy than my own handwritten notes. Not that I'm entirely analog, mind you, but paper and pen will always trump the electronic options. At least for now.

Today I came to a Starbucks store I recently discovered, at La Ribera in Belén (Heredia, Costa Rica). It's not the closest one to my place (that would be the one in Plaza Real, Alajuela), but I like this better. The place is small, calm, not overly cold and is located is a good neighborhood, in the front court of a hotel I have not heard much about, and frequented by people who pull out their laptops to do laptop-things. Let's not pretend that everybody here work or study, as I am here and I'm doing neither. Tomorrow I'll come again, but then I'll meet for afterwork coffee with my dear friend Mario, and probably his wife Arelys too. That will be a social visit. This one is a Me-Date, and as such I'll get to strike out two things from my List of 13:

• Have a me-date
• Blog

Cool, huh? I love doing stuff from my List of 13 (which is the whole point of the list). I also was in need of a little brain-break, as I was working at home, and also took the chance to do some thesis work in the down time. I felt tempted to continue BUT that would have not been wise: the brain needs to be rested regularly to keep it working well. I had also a practical excuse to get myself out of the house, namely that I had to tank the car because my brother borrowed it on Tuesday and brought it back with the fuel light on (not cool, really), but also because I'm running low on groceries so I have to go shopping for sustenance. I would have come yesterday, but after work I wasn't feeling much like it, so I procrastinated.

Today, however, that was no longer an option as I really had to deal with the fuel and the food, and leaving it for tomorrow, when I'm meeting with Mario and Are is not really an option. I wanted a relaxed, enjoyable outing, and worrying whether I've enough fuel to make it to the nearest, acceptable gas station is not enjoyable in the least. And besides, I wanted my me-date. I needed my me-date.

Last Saturday I met with a friend for her birthday, and, well, the outing wasn't all that pleasant. There was an awful experience there, where she tried to return some skincare products she had bought but which had fallen and broken. The store didn't take it back and my friend got upset. Really upset. Honestly, I was taken aback, as I have never heard of a store here that would receive back a good that has been broken by the customer, whether on purpose or not. The whole experience was awfully unpleasant and uncomfortable, and then she didn't let go of the topic. It could have been such a nice day, otherwise.

There was something else though, that was strange. Her husband and Mario are very good friends and are part of a friendly gambling group that bets mostly on the outcome of the NFL. The five of us have gone out and met a couple of times, so one could say that we are all friends. And we five have also gone out in the prepandemic days on #NFLtours, which were the Costa Rican Twitter buch parties that we organized to go see a game together, open to anyone who saw the tweet and wanted to join. I met my friend and her husband in one of those gatherings. So, all this to make clear that the NFL games are a thing for us. All of us.

So, on Saturday this friend tells me that Mario and her husband are planning a grill party at Mario's to watch the Super Bowl, and if I'm going. That it was something just the five of us. I was surprised, because I would have expected to hear of this first from Mario, not from this friend. Mario and I are really close, like siblings. I would have thought he would tell me before asking my friend's husband. I assumed there was a reason Mario had said nothing, so I told my friend I would have to check my calendar. The next day or maybe on Monday I asked Mario, as Mario had still told me nothing of this close party I was supposed to be part of.

Well, it turns out that it wasn't a grill party for the five of us at Mario's place, but an activity for the NFL betting gang, it was going to be at a party ranch at Mario's condo, with a small gathering of max 20 people. Mario was a bit confused but said that of course, if I wanted to go, I was more than welcome, but he had said nothing because it was still just an idea, nothing had been arranged or booked and it was a betting gang thing, not an "us" thing. I told him not to worry, that I still have to see if I can fit the activity in my agenda, as the Super Bowl is on Sunday, at night and I would still have to drive home and have someone feed my furry children. However, I do was upset that my friend had mislead me.

I messaged her, and told her that I heard something different from Mario about the activity, and I still wasn't sure I would be able to attend. Then she doubled down, said "Oh you know how Mario is..." and claimed that the original idea was only the five of us, but Mario made a huge thing of it. So she would need me to be there because sure the men would be doing their thing and she didn't want to get bored, so it would be good if I was there to keep her entertained. The audacity. I thought for a moment about unloading Mercury Retrograde on her, but then, if I haven't unloaded it on Sinner, why would I waste my anger on her? She also noted quite upset that the founder of the betting gang (M) would be there, since she's terribly jealous of this woman. Mario did tell me that M would be there, as she was the founder, though M had taken distance from the group and was pursuing other interests, so it wasn't sure she would be there.

I left most of her message unanswered, and told her that, again, I wasn't sure I would go, but even if I did, wasn't going to be anyone's lady in waiting, because I would be watching the game, so probably I would be bunched up with the men, as well as all the people who have an interest in the NFL (all attending), but that she could try and talk to Are, that it would do her good to expand her friend group, and maybe talk with people who have things in common with her.

Since doubling down here was no longer an option for her, she messaged back saying "Oh, I wasn't aware you liked American football!". Does she remember how we met?

End of year musings

Property of Stormberry
The picture just wants to look like that.
So I let it.

As 2022 slips away, I've found myself listening to more viking-inspired music, mostly from Peyton Parrish. No, I'm not preparing to hop on a ship and go raiding, but there is something in that music that gets to me in this moment of my life. What does it make me feel? It makes me feel strong, like my capabilities are there, even if I'm tired, even if I have no idea how to continue or proceed with my thesis, if it feels like I am up against a giant: I am not giving up, I will strap on the shield, tighten my fingers around the axe or the sword and I'll keep on going.

Something I talked about in one of my videos was the Wheel of Life, which is like a pie chart for you to map important areas of your life, or whatever. I had one completed, based on a pre-made template, but it didn't really do much for me. In it there were areas I was scoring quite high (as in, 10), and so, as I was looking at it - with areas that are not important for me at all, or do not apply to my case, I decided to make a blank chart and fill it with the things I do want to concentrate on. The thing was, what do I want to concentrate on?

This took me a while, and I printed out many charts named them, colored them in, and slowly the final version is coming out. I want to chart areas that are important for me, over which I have some degree of control, and that I can measure to some degree of confidence. This is an experiment I will try to get on for 2023, as well as my planners and diaries channel. Boy, it already feels ominous, trying to come up with 52 topics to talk about next year. How will I manage? Right now, I don't know, but I will figure it out.

Little Grievances

 

Property of Stormberry

It has occured recently, that I had to face a very uncomfortable situation brought forward by what I felt like other people's inconsideration, and that made me mad, mostly because it wasn't discomforting me, but someone I care a lot about, and yes, me too.

Last week my friend and former classmate from the Master's studies - let's call her Andy - was here from her country of origin, for a week to work on her Master Degree Thesis. Andy and I are best friends since the first Quarter we shared in this program, which was in May of 2020. We were assigned to work a project together in a Macroeconomics class, and ever since we've been doing every single possible team assignment together, and have been messaging and talking nearly non-stop. Nearly because we have to eat, sleep and work, mind you.

Andy never really clicked with the rest of the class, and though I did speak to the others, neither of us could call any of the others "our friends". They were classmates, not our friends, and though I was out to help everybody I could, we didn't really kept in contact with them. So much so, I have heard others say that of the whole class, there were only two friends, and those were Andy and I. Nobody else had really friends. Maybe two guys - a clown and a more serious guy -  were close to be friends but they were more like joke-friends or party-friends.

Andy and I were so close, that when she came here to participate last year in the Globelix seminar, she stayed at my place. We share a similar ideology, we both wanted an emphasis in Labor (which we didn't get), and we both would like to get into the doctorate program and wish to do so together. We talk a lot, analyze together a lot od things and even share secrets.

By the end of last year, Andy got a really important calling at the Government of her country, and so, when she couldn't get through with some stuff in classes, I did my best to help her. But also, whenever I was lost with something, she was always quick to help me out and explain what I didn't get. I can say, we really have each other's backs.

Property of Stormberry

This year she has continued in the Government, so she has been slipping back with her thesis work, and so our professors' suggested she came here, away from work, so she could advance and talk directly with the professors. And she did so this past week. I took two weeks of vacations (because I had all that time to spend), and in the first one I made sure to plan a lovely stay for her, with a reservation at Astral Speakeasy, a hidden bar with a Speakeasy bar feeling to it, but also a trip to our favorite metaphysical store, a coffee tour, a trip to our Art Museum, Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks (there's no Starbucks in her country), and coffee at my favorite French pastry shop.

This time around we didn't stay late talking our heads off, as Andy came really tired. One can tell her jobs are taking a toll on her. Then, we had our week of thesis work, meeting our guidance professor and fixing meetings with friends.

From the begining, before her plane even took off, I told our former classmates that she was coming, what were our plans and if they wished to meet with her, that we should either organized a meeting of all of us together, or meet one by one. They wanted to meet all together, but the agendas were complicated. First, I offered to include everybody in the reservation for the Astral Speakeasy, but nobody wanted that. Then they suggested to meet on Wednesday, but that wasn't doable because we had a meeting that night with our favorite professor. Andy's and my favorite professor, mind you, because nobody else liked him. (He assigned too much reading material).

When I mentioned that, there were some comments for us to ditch the professor, but that wasn't going to fly. Anyway, we decided on Thursday, which was Andy's last day. So I told them that, because Andy's flight next day is early, we should meet in my city.

Then came Thursday. Suddenly people want to meet in the Capital City, not in my city (even though everybody couldn actually make it fir they wanted to), because two of the classmates work there until 5 pm and "they would have to take the bus". No matter how many times or how strongly I told them that for Andy and I it was not feasable, they insisted. They kept pushing and pushing, ignoring the fact that neither Andy and I had the time to go there, meet with them, come back, pack and sleep enough to get to the airport. They plainly didn't care, and were offended that I was being so mean as to impede others "who also like Andy very much" to finally meet with her in person (all our classes were online due to the pandemic).

The discussion ended when I told them that they could sure come pick up Andy at the Uni where we were working, and then drive her back to my place, because I wasn't going to go to the Capital City, and instead would finish all the errands and stuff Andy had to complete before her flight. So they've got offended. I guess they love her diearly, as long as they don't have to move a finger for her.

We ended up meeting in our city, and it was the most annoying  meeting ever. They didn't care she was there, but instead launched into a conversation among them, here and there bouncing topic off Andy. for instance, once they asked here what has she liked best of Costa Rica from what she has seen, and while she was thinking on the question, they started saying what they liked best, and completely forgot about her. She never got to reply, nor where they interested in hearing her opinion. I guess they were also mad that Andy and I made time to visit our favorite professor, and didn't prioritize them.

As expected, our meeting ended rather fast, and though we all did our best to be polite to each other, a clear riff came between us. They went away feeling offended because particularly I was so mean as to deny two of our former classmates the chance to meet Andy in person (two people who never even spoke to her, according to Andy), and impose on others my locating preferences. I went away feeling disappointed in them, on how they expect others to bend backwards to satisfy their wishes, regardless of the problems of discomfort that may cause to them.

Through the week, we have known a few things about them, how they made a disaster of an internship they were offered abroad, and how the very reason they like to boast about it (basically a scholarship paid spring break trip) was the reason the hosting institution issued complains about them. To Andy and I - committed, hard working students - it was horrifying to watch them laugh about skipping classes and spending their scholarship money on trips and booze. Unbeknown to them, that care about the opportunities they are offered, the way they abuse of what they are offered, was put in painful display also in that meeting and their attitude. Two of the classmates had a chance to enroll in their prefered emphasys because Andy and I decided to give up Labor for them. To help them, and they took that as their right to walk over us.

By holding into this small determination, I felt a bit vindicated. I didn't give in, andy stood by me, and we had an awesome day, with plenty of time to pack and rest.

Organizing Thoughts

 

Mind Map created with SimpleMind

Right now I started watching videos on Mind Mapping by Sheng Huang. I was doing my usual rounds on YouTube after work, cheking on planner videos and organization videos, mainly because more and more I'm leaning towards buying a new planner for 2023. You know, the Personal sized, zipped, leather variety of planners. Now it might sound like quite a mental leap to go from checking planners to watching mind map videos, but nobody said YouTube tends to be consistent in their offering of things they think you may like (or even nailing what you were looking for).

Mind maps are graphics you draw where ideas are written in a concentrated, concise form (let's say, fitting a bubble), and then are connected with other ideas through lines or arrows. The connection can mean anything, like a next step or an idea that's born from a previous one, or a relationship betweem two ideas. It's pretty freeform, not like a flowchart, where even the shape of the bubble has a meaning. The point in a mind map is to help you catch an idea you have, develop it in general lines (what comes next, what can be connected with it, what other parts or details it has, and so on), so you can either capture the idea and the review it before putting it to paper definitively. It could also work as a guiding general map for a project, where you can have a birdseye view of the parts of the project and what goes into each part, or how they relate to each other.

As I was watching the video (and after I have spent also some time copying into a word file some info I want to migrate eventually from my A5 Malden to my Personal Lockwood - when the time comes), the idea occured to me, that maybe now a mind map could help me clear out some of the many mixes I had in my head regarding my thesis. Spoiler alert: it didn't. But as I was watching one of the videos, I went into the App Store and typed "mind map" and hit enter. I've got a couple of options - and why is it that the add part of the app is always so fantastic, but then the app itself is not so much. I started tweeking the app, tried it out with the general topic of my thesis, and though I've got some ideas landed on it, it just wasn't working for me. Things were hidden and I couldn't see the whole thing. It didn't feel like something I could actually work my way.

On the videos, the youtuber was working on paper, in a Traveler's Notebook and using two frixion pens, a blue and a red. Though he was constricted in space, his process seemed more clear and more manageable that what the app was doing for me on a space that was supposed to be more flexible. There I've got thinking of my braindump notebooks, which I use haphazardly, and which are the cause of why I lose information (because I forgot I didn't wrote it down in my filofax, but in the current braindump notebook, a spiralbound notebook I would love more if the lines of the pages weren't so bold). I have not tried yet to do the mind map exercise in my current filofax, but I must admit that it did get me thinking: if I start doing mindmaps, would it be sustainable in a personal size planner? I tend to write a lot, and my fountain pens are pretty much M-nibbed. Even my F-nib Lamys write bold like hearty M-nibs. So, shall I rethink my pens or my planner choice?

The mind map hype may end up in nothing, but I did got thinking about how different ways of planning and organizing ideas can coexist in different planning systems. I will try out the mindmapping, see if it's something for me or not, and I'll try to keep you posted.

Reflections & Moving On

 

Property of Stormberry

Life is a constant flow of movement, where all kinds of elements enter, roll around and move out. This is the thing in which we live, we could say. For some of us, some characteristics are desirable and valuated, like "stability" and "dependability", but in the end we must get to terms with the fact that even though there are things that will accompany us through the most or the whole of our life journey, most of things will eventually fall out. And such is people and the emotions we tie to them.

There is someone - I doubt to say "in my life" because, really, how much in my life is he? - for whom I have always harbored marked feelings. Not always positive feelings, but feelings are feelings. With him I had always been in that situation where you feel you have strong feeling, but they are a mixed bag of "I like him" or "I enjoy his company" with "I can't stand him" or "why isn't he dropping dead?". Let me put it like this: do you know that kind of person that you would really like to like, but can't avoid disliking? Like, you really have good reasons to like them, and they have some features you consider just amazing, but at the same time they also have features you would never want around you? Yeah, that one.

Heads up, toxic and manipulative people are like that.

So, there's this person whom I know, who is like that, and whom I couldn't quite ever got to love nor managed quite to ignore, though that last part isn't all that so: I have been able to ignore him for long periods in my life, when we moved in different circles and didn't saw each other. Him not being there never meant a feeling of something missing. However him being there always meant a rolling thought in my mind.

We used to have long conversations, and there was a time when we exchanged e-mails, and I enjoyed them very much. But then, as we came closer and started talking more, things started cracking. I still enjoyed things of our exchanges, but then these cracks - in the form of lies piled on top of more lies - started building up and I found it harder and harder to muster love and care for him. Yet I still remained his friend, but I started the process of "closing doors".

I call "closing doors" the process of cutting topics out of a relationship. Imagine that every relationship in your life is like a house, and each room of that house is a topic of conversation or a topic of life. As the relationship progresses, you realize that there are certain topics that are problematic. What I do, is that I shut the door on that topic and no longer discus it with that person, and so a room in the house of the relationship is closed.

This happens and it's natural, I believe. It might even happen that some doors need to be closed and then, after a while, they can be tried again and slowly be visited and opened. It may also happen that in a relationship you go on closing and closing doors until you have basically closed the whole house, and when the house is closed, there's no real relationship.

This man and I actually would have a lot of rooms with doors open, or so I had thought for the longest of time, and why I held onto: he's one of those rare people with whom I potentially have nearly all doors open. But then came the lying. There were stupid, small lies, and then revisiting the past and retelling of facts, and things piled up and grew to a point where I remained standing, thinking if actually there were no rooms at all, because he had lied just about everything. And I mean everything.

Thankfully I have always doubted of him, and since I ran into him again some seven years ago, I made sure to google everything he told me (that could be googled), and I kept a record in my journal of some of the things he said, and later realized he was contradicting himself over and over with different versions of the same story or multiple denials of it. So, I can say I was warned by the way he relates to facts, the truth and the things he thinks he can tell me. And I have told him many times that I can tell when he lies - and mostly I could.

The shock came when I realized that some fundamental things that he was supposed to know (we are both economists) not only he didn't, but when I was correcting him (because I happen to have studied them particularly), he kept gaslighting me and denying my facts and insisting in the validity of his lies. This is when the bubble broke. Suddenly I was thinking of all the things he has said, which I just assumed to be true and that may have been false as well. That's when the house vanished into thin air.

In spite of everything, it is hard to move on. I will win nothing by calling him, shaking him and screaming in his face "what was the point of lying to me?", because no matter what he says, I can't no longer trust he would be telling the truth. Gods he lies about insignificant things, such as when he said that "you don't serve different types of meat in one meal". Really, he did say that, dead serious, like it was a known rule of etiquette. And I'm sure he has eaten bacon cheeseburgers and meatlover pizzas. And if he's so desirous to lie in such things, and has also lied about the books he claims to have read, the people he claims to have talked to and the things he allegedly knows, what else is he capable of lying about?

He's not the only one I have gone through a vanishing-house experience like this, nor will he be the most painful one, but it is painful nonetheless.

I still remember and I still cry thinking of my once best friend of 20 years, in whom I trusted so deeply, so blindly, only to find out that all had been a lie, only to have been a vehicle for her to embezzle another friend of mine.

It's always hard to move on, to let go someone from your life, but these things happen and we can survive them.

Shadow Work

 

Property of Stormberry

To be perfectly honest, shadow work scares me. I just... rather not do it, but I start to think that the world around me is slowly pushing me to face my wounds and my shadows and start solving them. And who likes to poke the places that hurt? Not me, I can tell you.

Ever since I'm living alone (even though close to my family), I have been able to take distance, take place and see the things that have been harming me, the things I react to, the things that make me feel vulnerable and chip away from my sense of security, my sense of safety and even my own capabilities. By actually spending more time alone, with myself (another blessing in disguise from the pandemic and the enforced work-from-home), I have been able to start unravelling why I do some things or why I can't stop doing, saying, feeling or thinking about certain stuff.

One such thing, that has taken a lot of time for me to accept, is the fact that my relationship with my dad isn't a good one. My dad is a very toxic person, and with age his toxicity only gets worse. He doesn't like to be wrong, and he doesn't like to admit that other people might know things better than him. With age, he has lost his ability to admire people, and so, when the feeling arises in him, it turns onto bitter envy. Along with all this, he has lost his ability to be humble. Understanding this for me has taken a while, but has been inportant, so that I can learn to question the things he does and says, instead of taking them as "the only right way to do things", which is how he presents them. And it's not easy.

I'm sure a lot of people out there know people like that: only what they say is right, even when you know it's not, but they insist and fight, and go as low as insult those who question them or prove them wrong, up to the point of making you doubt what you know and probably know better than them. Why is it important to recognize this? Because interacting with people with this behavior can chip away your sense of self-worth, self-respect and even your self-trust. It puts you  in an edge, when you try to do something for yourself, the way you think it should be done, because if there is one single mistake, one single flaw, or even if your attempt fails, you will feel the failure far bigger than it even is.

I'll give you an example: my house - which I LOVE - has a "complicated" roof because I wanted gables, which is not common in this part of the world. Because of it, it is prone to have leaks. And it has leaks. A lot of them have been fixed, but some appear here and there, and some are stubborn. The "original" building crew couldn't fix it, and abandoned the house, and my dad declared that "it can never be fixed and it will always leak". Oh, and he blamed my architect, basically because she's a woman and not the architect he picked. Well, I wasn't going to have that, so I hired some workers recommended by a friend, who actually did the job really well, and guaranteed the job. Of course, my dad still found faults, and all of those faults were false. Like, he said they were so expensive, whene he doesn't know how much they charge me. Or say they work really poorly, when they have fixed the things they have been hired to do.

Now, fixing leaks isn't all that easy, and so, as part of the guarantee, when the leaks appear again, they come and fix them free of charge. However, each time a leak reappears or a new one appears, I feel so anxious because it has been hammered in my head that I can't fix it, that my decisions are wrong, and only my dad knows how to fix them (after he said it was impossible to fix). I've grown anxious with rain, when I used to love rain and rain storms, because of that, because a single little drop makes me feel like I can't do things, that I need help. And it's stupid, and rationally I know that, because I already have the solution for it, and I also know that leaks take time and many tries to fix.

Now, I finally getting to the point where I know that, I understand that, but now I have to work on fixing that, in accepting in my head and in my spirit, that I am capable, knowing my true limitations and how can I overcome them or accept them. Recently I also understood why I had such a hard time letting a person go, why I couldn't stop thinking about them even though I had nothing positive to say. I realized this was so because I was repeating the same toxic pattern I have with my dad, because this person has the same toxic nature, in the same manner as him. I saw the danger I was in.

Shadow work is important, so you can live a fuller, happier life. And sometimes, like with my roof, you must do your shadow work with the aid of a professional.

The Fixings

Property of Stormberry

The leaks in my roof have been fixed, and I hope they stay so for a while. What a relief! The people making the fixing had to come out three times to finally get all the leaks dealt with. Now only the windows need sealing. I actually messaged them today and got a swift reply after they have been silent for almost twenty days, while the rains poured and the water filtered and ruined the paint on my walls. Oh, on that note, it's worth noting that my chocolate brown walls get very marked with water, which I don't really get. The outside dark grey walls hold well their color, and so the medium grey ones. If it were because "the rain washes them equally" it wouldn't be so as the rain doesn't always falls the same way, and some parts are not touched while others are. So why are the brown walls getting so damaged with the rain water?

But anyway, we are moving ahead and my house is standing strong and lovely, and we are both growing more and more into who we are. I'm so happy with my house!

I'm not out of the woods yet, as I had a lot of expenses, and I had to make decisions about how to finance them. Nothing I can't manage, rest assured, but I decided to use my credit card again while I get over the current bump. Some things, after all, have to be dealt with switfly, and some instruments can be used to such matters, as long as we keep them well watched. Yes, it makes me uneasy, mostly because it was not part of my plans to use my card again, but one needs to deal with the cards one is dealt.

On that same line, as I was going through dealing with uncomfortable situations and things that prick at my sense of order and comfort, this friend was brought back into my memory. I have written or alluded to him here several times, and has been quite a fixture. Though I want to think of him as a good person, truth to be told, if I want to be impartial, I believe I don't have enough elements to call him so. Maybe it is the way he is around me - because, honestly, I am a menacing person for him -, but be it as it is, I'm more inclined to say that he is a toxic sort of person.

Now, as you know, I believe in magick, signs, cosmic connections, spiritual phenomenons and the such, so for a while now I have tried to understand why had this person been so mingled with my life, and have always stirred such strong emotions. Emotions that I shall clarify, are not always positive. I mean, I like him - I do like him - but I also can't stand him. So why the push-&-pull? Did I want him in my life? Did I not? Did I want him as friend, as partner, as occasional fuck or as a distant memory of the past? Why did I find it so hard to let him go? Why did I go to such extents as I did for him? What has happening there?

I'm a Cancer Sun, Gemini rising and Leo Moon. Yes, it may not make sense to many, but I'll say this: for years he has been playing my Cancer (as in playing my emotions), and my Gemini (my communicative and knowledge thirsty part), by a very bizarre game of choosing words to keep me hooked like a writer of a cliffhangery pulp fiction, but also by not telling me ever much of the information. Then again, though it has been hard to come to terms with my Gemini (a lot of people I don't like are Gemini), my twins are quite a resourceful and twisted pair, and so... we did LOTS of research. Yes, that also kept me hooked, but also started opening my eyes to the fact that there were things there that were not kosher. I paid attention, I started to see the cracks, and I believe that's what kept me (in part) from falling into his game.

But I still was hooked for quite a while. It was one of those messy tangles where you know that it's not what you want, there's nothing really there that you could want in your life, but "something" keeps you there and you can't quite figure out why.

He was here at my home visiting in the begining of June and brought me an early birthday present (even though I am positive I had told him that I am picky about my birthday and I celebrate it only the day it is). The present was a book and a bottle of wine. Thoughtful, yes, and exactly what I have gifted him the last two birthdays of him. And then he was nice and all, but also made sure to include just a hint of insulting or - at least, derogatory. I know well that he takes to heart each time I have pointed out to the flaws on his thinking, work or skills, and I also know this is his pety way to try and get back to me, even though at times he has to invent an alternative reality just to point out a flaw in me. (Like the time he told me that one doesn't "eat different kinds of meat for one meal", just because I offered him chicken stock before a main course consisting of beef. Yeah... I believe he hasn't heard of paella, or burgers with bacon... or just about any meal with more than one course.)

So far, though his petiness annoys me, I just booked it as "him being stupid because he doesn't know better and has lived so far trying to be someone he's not, that he can't turn back and try to be himself". However, this month something happened, a shifting.

As I was working and dealing with the last of the second quarter of the Master's program, and dealing with the leaks on the roof, and the leaking windows, solving the financial situation and so on, he came to my mind, and just as I was solving all my issues and finding out that I can solve these things without having to run to my dad or my brother, it kind of landed on me: this friend has the bad habits of my father and my brother. The lying, the gaslighting, forcing his ideas on others like they are truth, unwilling to learn from others, or accept that others might be right, unwilling to accept that they are wrong, and when proven wrong going pety, bringing up over and over uncomfortable events of the past which they twist to fit their narrative, going as far as turning a happy memory or even a moment of confusion into something to be mocked of.

Through the days I have found that this person had all these qualities, and I understood: he was put in my life so that I can see that and work on my shadow. And let all that go. That was why I couldn't let him go, because I wanted to fix or defeat in him what I find so disturbing in my own family. And the lesson, I'm finding is, that their qualities are not my problem, and I can walk away or call them out if I like.

I had read the book he gave me, and found it awful. Then I also saw the book in the big scheme of things: he had been for a while trying to copy the main character of that book, which was particularly sad.

As I think about him, I feel no tendrils of attachment anymore, but rather a neutral void, like standing on an edge where a bridge used to stand, where there is no longer a bridge, but which lack you can't see because it's all drowned in a fog. I don't eeven miss it.

I think I am finally over.