A Year Begins with Mercury Retrograde

Property of Stormberry

 Happy 2023. The year started with us dipped in Mercury Retrograde season, and truth to be told, it didn't feel much like Mercury Retrograde once we were in it. Or at least it didn't feel so for me. Could it be that I'm learning to surf it better? I did try to be careful and concentrate more in the introspective part of the equation, taking time to meditate instead of jumping into action with a now-or-never attitude. There were lucky strikes through this season and really good stuff I had not expected.

But at the same time, I did saw people being roughed up in the waves of the retrograde, getting bad news and trying to start things that worked against them. Not in the least, I saw that in politics, but then again most of politics nowadays seem to be living in permanent Mercury Retrograde, independently of what are the celestial bodies doing or where they are.

I'm taking my time with my thesis (again), which shows in the fact that I have taken several weeks off active thesis work, dealing mostly with thought process and organizing my ideas, but without commiting anything or much to paper. Then, notes started jotting on scraps of paper, into the notes section of my planner, or the margins of the printed out versions of the chapter drafts I have specifically put on paper for this reason: so they organically catch the notes and ideas in a way that I can see them and relate to them easier. I don't cease to admire people who can do all their notetaking digitally, on so many tablets, phones and apps, because that to me seems so dry, so lifeless and more messy than my own handwritten notes. Not that I'm entirely analog, mind you, but paper and pen will always trump the electronic options. At least for now.

Today I came to a Starbucks store I recently discovered, at La Ribera in Belén (Heredia, Costa Rica). It's not the closest one to my place (that would be the one in Plaza Real, Alajuela), but I like this better. The place is small, calm, not overly cold and is located is a good neighborhood, in the front court of a hotel I have not heard much about, and frequented by people who pull out their laptops to do laptop-things. Let's not pretend that everybody here work or study, as I am here and I'm doing neither. Tomorrow I'll come again, but then I'll meet for afterwork coffee with my dear friend Mario, and probably his wife Arelys too. That will be a social visit. This one is a Me-Date, and as such I'll get to strike out two things from my List of 13:

• Have a me-date
• Blog

Cool, huh? I love doing stuff from my List of 13 (which is the whole point of the list). I also was in need of a little brain-break, as I was working at home, and also took the chance to do some thesis work in the down time. I felt tempted to continue BUT that would have not been wise: the brain needs to be rested regularly to keep it working well. I had also a practical excuse to get myself out of the house, namely that I had to tank the car because my brother borrowed it on Tuesday and brought it back with the fuel light on (not cool, really), but also because I'm running low on groceries so I have to go shopping for sustenance. I would have come yesterday, but after work I wasn't feeling much like it, so I procrastinated.

Today, however, that was no longer an option as I really had to deal with the fuel and the food, and leaving it for tomorrow, when I'm meeting with Mario and Are is not really an option. I wanted a relaxed, enjoyable outing, and worrying whether I've enough fuel to make it to the nearest, acceptable gas station is not enjoyable in the least. And besides, I wanted my me-date. I needed my me-date.

Last Saturday I met with a friend for her birthday, and, well, the outing wasn't all that pleasant. There was an awful experience there, where she tried to return some skincare products she had bought but which had fallen and broken. The store didn't take it back and my friend got upset. Really upset. Honestly, I was taken aback, as I have never heard of a store here that would receive back a good that has been broken by the customer, whether on purpose or not. The whole experience was awfully unpleasant and uncomfortable, and then she didn't let go of the topic. It could have been such a nice day, otherwise.

There was something else though, that was strange. Her husband and Mario are very good friends and are part of a friendly gambling group that bets mostly on the outcome of the NFL. The five of us have gone out and met a couple of times, so one could say that we are all friends. And we five have also gone out in the prepandemic days on #NFLtours, which were the Costa Rican Twitter buch parties that we organized to go see a game together, open to anyone who saw the tweet and wanted to join. I met my friend and her husband in one of those gatherings. So, all this to make clear that the NFL games are a thing for us. All of us.

So, on Saturday this friend tells me that Mario and her husband are planning a grill party at Mario's to watch the Super Bowl, and if I'm going. That it was something just the five of us. I was surprised, because I would have expected to hear of this first from Mario, not from this friend. Mario and I are really close, like siblings. I would have thought he would tell me before asking my friend's husband. I assumed there was a reason Mario had said nothing, so I told my friend I would have to check my calendar. The next day or maybe on Monday I asked Mario, as Mario had still told me nothing of this close party I was supposed to be part of.

Well, it turns out that it wasn't a grill party for the five of us at Mario's place, but an activity for the NFL betting gang, it was going to be at a party ranch at Mario's condo, with a small gathering of max 20 people. Mario was a bit confused but said that of course, if I wanted to go, I was more than welcome, but he had said nothing because it was still just an idea, nothing had been arranged or booked and it was a betting gang thing, not an "us" thing. I told him not to worry, that I still have to see if I can fit the activity in my agenda, as the Super Bowl is on Sunday, at night and I would still have to drive home and have someone feed my furry children. However, I do was upset that my friend had mislead me.

I messaged her, and told her that I heard something different from Mario about the activity, and I still wasn't sure I would be able to attend. Then she doubled down, said "Oh you know how Mario is..." and claimed that the original idea was only the five of us, but Mario made a huge thing of it. So she would need me to be there because sure the men would be doing their thing and she didn't want to get bored, so it would be good if I was there to keep her entertained. The audacity. I thought for a moment about unloading Mercury Retrograde on her, but then, if I haven't unloaded it on Sinner, why would I waste my anger on her? She also noted quite upset that the founder of the betting gang (M) would be there, since she's terribly jealous of this woman. Mario did tell me that M would be there, as she was the founder, though M had taken distance from the group and was pursuing other interests, so it wasn't sure she would be there.

I left most of her message unanswered, and told her that, again, I wasn't sure I would go, but even if I did, wasn't going to be anyone's lady in waiting, because I would be watching the game, so probably I would be bunched up with the men, as well as all the people who have an interest in the NFL (all attending), but that she could try and talk to Are, that it would do her good to expand her friend group, and maybe talk with people who have things in common with her.

Since doubling down here was no longer an option for her, she messaged back saying "Oh, I wasn't aware you liked American football!". Does she remember how we met?

Thoughts and Updates

Source: Pinterest.com

In recent days I've been floating in a sort of haze. First of all, allow me to update you in matters of which I've posted previously. So, how did it go with the defense of my thesis? Swimingly. :-) I'm proud to tell y'all, that not only did I made it, but I gotten the rare honor of scoring a perfect grade: 10 out of 10. This is so rare, that my thesis director (we call it "tutor"), told me he hadn't seen one such case in his two years of experience. This is my third degree, and one could say it is my third thesis (if we don't take in account the fact that I had to write two with my team for the Accounting degree, in which case this would be my fourth thesis), and this is the first time I get a 10 out of 10.

As you remember, I was freaking out the week before the defense, and I mean fucking-freaking-out. I was obssessed with the timing of my presentation, that juts didn't want to go under 25 minutes. The topic was one I know thanks to my job and the involvement I've had with it since it became an issue in our industry. Just to put you in context (quickly and easily, I promise!), my thesis was about the impact of the LRIC costing model applied by the Costa Rican Telecom Regulator (SUTEL) on the capability of Dominant Operators to generate profit. In plain English, if the rules applied by the Government (throught the SUTEL) allowed companies considered big to make money. 

I took three days of vacations to prepare for the defense (the day of the defense and two days ahead of it), and so I went on and on and on, mixing down time and reading (novels) with rehearsal. I wanted to be rested and relaxed to be in peak conditions, but my brain would not stop. During my morning exercise routines, as well as I was walking around the city running my errands, I went on talking to myself, repeating over and over my presentation. Each of the 32 slides were etched in my inside of my eyelids, and so constantly I invoked them in my head in order while I repeated the loosely scripted speech I planned to give. Time and again I had to cut here and there, calming the protesting voices inside me with "Look, if they really want to know, they will ask, and if they do - fuck - give'em all".

Source: Pinterest

The day of the presentation I trusted myself to my gods - Minerva, Mercury and Neptune - and drove to meet my Fates. There were more people than I had initially expected, among them a professor who had been my detractor previously. I've got a little more nervous because of that, mainly because I didn't want to be rude, and I wasn't sure how to properly explain the things he had objected previously without sounding like I was ridiculing him for not noticing. Yes, diplomacy is definitively not my strong suit.

When the defense began my voice trembled and broke, and I've got tongue tied with easy words like "market" and "telecommunications", but I kept pushing on. I had this by heart. The one professor I had invited to be my supporting audience was left out, but my thesis director was there and smiled at me encouragingly. Then I loosened up, and soon switched into a different mode. I was looking at my audience in the eyes, talking to them vehemently, the same way I would at work, because I felt like I was at work, in a meeting trying to make understand a mixed audience about the importance of my work and why it must be supported and brought to the Regulator. I passed from slide to slide, but I wasn't looking at the slides. Those were aid for my audience if they didn't get what I was telling them. Each slide offered a simple scheme of what I was telling them. Imagine it like an economist, defending a Finance project to financists while using the subtle art of Marketing to attack them on all fronts (auditive and visual) so that they would open up to my message. And it worked.

I was within the timeframe alloted to me, and when the questions came, I used emotion to spice my words. My topic was about Regulators and big telecom companies, but with words I landed my issues into their pockets. I rose their spirits, made them feel like the company I was representing was theirs and that they had to defend it whatever the cost. I made them feel aggravated and ready to jump, because what I was denouncing felt to them like a personal blow. I owned them and their hearts.

When it came to an end, I felt like crying. The professors applauded and smiled so bright, I felt in a dream. One of the coordinators present at the defense asked me little after the end of the process, if she could give my work to a colleague that works at a higher Regulator body. She explained that she had commented my work with him and he wanted to read it. Oh goodness! By all means!

I stayed around because I planned to stay for the defense of my classmates (that was in the afternoon, while I defended in the morning), so as I met with professors from my other careers (Accounting and Marketing), and all of them were told of my results, soon started encouraging me to submit my curriculum vitae so I could start teaching.

I met then - almost by accident - with an old classmate of mine, from my days as an economics student. I knew he worked there, and I had intended on inviting him, but somehow it had escaped my mind, and when I remembered that I would have loved having him there, it was too late and felt improper. I still was happy to see him. For sake of simplicity, lets call him Friedrich, in honor of Friedrich Engels.

Friedrich and I have had always an uneasy sort of relationship. Back in Economics, we were mostly classmates, but he wasn't really in any of my circles. He wasn't someone I would have called "a friend", but not an outright rival either. I don't think I had ever smiled at him in those days, and though we talked here and there - and when we did our conversations were long - there wasn't an easy environment. As I cast my mind back to those days, perhaps I could describe my feelings there best as "predatorial", or maybe "on guard". I was on the lookout for him, watching him, measuring him, cataloguing his comments and running my minds about meanings and counter messages. I do know we had played poker together and he improved my poker education, which by then had some grounding on what I had learned in Hungary from my Kenian and Jordanian friends.

Those years ended in silence, as we had a fall off. Actually, I don't remember much (and I haven't actively sought my journals of that time to find out what had I recorded of the incident), but Friedrich said I've got mad because he forgot to come to a meeting we had arranged to work on a project. Curiously, I have one image in my head, of him looking at me with so much hatred and anger as I have never seen on him, while I just wondered what the hell was happening. Be it as it may, we definitively fell out with each other by the last years of our career.

We met again when my team and I defended our first Accounting thesis (the program required us to work in teams and prepare one thesis in Accounting and another in Auditig). That first time, after over fifteen years, I remember he walked out into the hall were we waited and didn't see me. Having all tense feeling fled from me since then, and having recognized him, I called him. He turned and froze. To this day I remember him there, in the hallway, frozen as he saw me. His beautiful green eyes had widened, but not a muscle moved in his body, halted by what looked like paralizing fear. I smiled and came closer, but dread came into my soul as I searched my faulty memory for whatever sign of damage, anger, violence or any other type of bullying I may have inflicted upon him.

There is one thing I said to him, etched in fire in my mind, so poisonous and unsensitive, which filled me with such unadulterated, pure hatred it had fed me and made me smile in my youth. Then and today, it makes me feel bad, and incites in me the need to atone.

He recovered his composture, and then little after invited me to his office, where we talked. If my mind serves me well, I think I then apologized for that awful incident and all other insults I may have hurled at him in our youth. From then on we kept a loose e-mail contact,  based mainly on the discussion of some economical topics.

Back to the day of the defense, I found myself apologizing again for not inviting him. I made my apology short and to the point. There was no need to tell him how much I regretted it, and how I would have love to have his familiar face and his luminous eyes supporting me when I needed courage. Funny how the world turns, right? The one I was distrusting about was the one I would have loved to hold my hand and tell me that all would be well. Then, for the first time ever, he embraced me.

No, let me put this clearly. Though we've had hugged before, as a usual form of greeting, this time around his embrace had an entirely different quality. More than friendly, his embrace was warm, sustained and felt like a pull into the heart. I've mused much over this touching embrace and the one way I can describe it best is to compare it to the longing embrace you would give to a book you've thought long lost, and which suddenly comes back to you again. A lost little treasure. That's how he made me feel, like he was happy to find me again. That warmed my soul. We talked and agreed to meet for lunch in the week. Through out that meeting and the subsequent lunch, I caught him staring at me, those glass clear green depths fixed on my features, past my skull, as if searching for something beneath my skin. His gaze held long at time, and I had no idea of their intention. On any other person I would have thought they held the questing look of someone trying to build up courage for a move, but given our current circumstances and our raw, charged past, I would put such considerations far from him.

Our correspondence seems to have taken again the old, paused pace we have kept for a couple of years now, but that has not diminished the green flame in my solar plexus. I'd like to reach out and grab into his wrist, wrap my fingers securely around it and hold like Grettel would into the hand of her brother. I think I would like to have him in my life, like a sort of another brother with whom one could be silly, goofy, and sneak out to gorge on chocolate while talking about economics.

Lesson from the Movie Franz

I've been picking up again with my old. beloved habit of going to the movies. I'm still not at my old pace (about twice a week or so), but I'm gaining track, which is all thanks to October being a fabulous month, full of releases I die to watch. So far I've seen Blade Runner 2049, Wind River, Wish Upon, and yesterday I saw Franz, a movie by François Ozon, and which was part of a two week French Film Festival, held by one of the local movie chains. I intended to see another movie entirely, but then I saw this was being showed. so we (I was with a friend) went for that one.

taken from google.com

My friend is a younger lady who has taken French lessons at the Alliance Française, but as far as I know, she last year deserted the lessons. I can't tell you much about my own level of French, since I followed up to level 7 from the 9 back then, and then - upon a disagreement with the management - I left the classes and decided that I can very well keep my French up with yearly visits to Paris and a daily dose of Le Figaro and Le Monde. Honestly, so far, I've been able to defend myself. But that's beside the point here. Given that she and me allegedly speak (some) French, we decided also to go for Franz as a way to give our French some practice. And there were subtitles, just to make it safe. To our surprise - and my absolute delight - the movie was also heavily spoken in German, which instantly doubled the appeal for me and my chances to practice two of the languages where my knowledge is the weakest.

Franz is a movie that deals with many important social and personal issues, such as prejudice, our tendency to hold into hurt and resentment, the need to project our pain and anger on others, even when they are undeserving of it, and also on the many subtleties of lies, deceptions and deceiving moves. At the core of the movie there is a central lie (I'm trying really hard not to spoil anything here), that once it gets revealed, two paths unfold: one living with the lie, and another living with the truth. What I like about this message is how it shows a case where the truth doesn't make you free, but enslaves you further, retrains you and ruins you, while the lie built upon it actually frees you and give you your life back.

Throughout my life I've found that lies are not as poisonous as we are often told, and that there are lies, mweciful lies intended to protect others or to protect oneself. One can always, of course, argue on one side or the other, but there are certain cases at which - I believe - the truth would add nothing.

However, not all lies are merciful or white lies, some are mean and others are senseless. It was interesting for me, how I watched this movie and the topic of lies came up in them, as I have gotten at a point with some friends whose compulsive need to lie about pretty much everything, is going out of hand. I really wonder how is it possible that I find myself with this type of people in my life over and over and over. People like this want to make me retire from the world and swear off friends forever. Then again, truth to be told, I see them more as frequent acquintances, and are not part of my close group of friends, which include exclusive and absolutely amazing people such as Shimmy Gin, Jules, Arjen, Tina. Sonja and Laura.

One thing that really pisses me off about the liers currently in my life is that they seem to think that I'm stupid enough to believe their tall tales. Do they REALLY think I will really believe what they say? Or that anyone would? People seemingly able to remember and repeat entire conversations held in the past. And they always forget their own passwords. People portraying themselves as sensible, artistic souls and can only be seen and heard behave vulgary. People who claim to always put others first and don't even care when they trample over others, nor have any qualms about being abusive and opportunistic. People who claim to have magical powers, or suddenly declare themselves to be witches, mediums and yet can't even get right  the use of chammomille.

It annoys me when people think me stupid enough to believe that they can actually hold an intelligent conversation with a pet (and I have pets, I know how pets behave), where they supposedly explain the pet what they expect from them in complex concepts ("Spot, I give you food and shelter, I expect you to respect this house and stay clear from Granny's china". Spot nods and picks a spot away from the china cabinet to sit, because he understood), or make plans bloom by just asking them. (Clearly, because a witch's voice is more powerful than the timing set by Gaia.)

I have had many compulsively lying acquintances in the past, and the result is always the same: I walk away because their tall tales get to my nerves. Their tales always keep piling and piling up to the point where I don't see why should I waste my time with people with whom I clearly have nothing in common, if they feel such a need to feed me constantly with falsehoods. Useless, irrelevant, stupid lies.

Two of my acquintances are quickly reaching this end.