Always make sure you can leave

Source: Amazon.com

 I want a set of scrabble. It's not so much that I want to have people over and play scrabble with them, but more like I want to have a set, use the tiles for pictures, or just to play all by myself. Truth to be told, I don't really like or particularly enjoy playing these sort of board games, though the ones I like all revolve around words and knowledge.

This thought came to me as I was thinking about a picture to put in here for this post, for this topic, and I looked around me and thought that there was nothing really of my own I could use, and then thought, "wouldn't it be handy to make a picture spelling out the word with scrabble tiles?". So yes, some thoughts just go on like that.

The topic that has prompted this post, though, goes a bit with the last one, and it's on relationships.

I was talking to someone yesterday, and the topic of complicated relationships came up. Toxic friends, toxic family members, toxic relationships and so on. This is something I've been processing as of late - well, all of my life, actually, but am more aware of it and working more consciously on as of late - so from this conversation, and my notes in my personal journal, and the thoughts coursing through my head, I've come to the conclusion that one should avoid the type of relationships that are like... the Amazon Prime Membership. Let me explain.

For many years I had Amazon Prime Membership, and though I didn't have all the perks, because I'm not in the US, but still, there were many good things that made the membership worthwhile for me. However, with time, the perks started to wane away, were reduced and the yearly membership's price went up. At one point, I was left without any perk that I could take advantage off, and the membership was becoming too expensive, in the light of this. So, the rational thing for me was to cancel the membership. However, this took me DAYS to do. There was no way for me to contact with anyone or find the button or the form or any way to cancel. I didn't give up though, and after several days looking for the way to leave until I finally found it.

Yay! Awesome! The way out! Except it had like a million gates trying to make me stay. So I had to click "No" over and over and over and over and find the way to say no until I was finally out of there. The experience was so horrible, that even though I thought I would leave only for a while, come back when the perks improve again or something, in the end I decided to leave for good. I mean, what if the next time I'm trapped in the Membership for ever and ever and all eterenity? I wouldn't want that!

Well, though a lot of people can see why this is an undesirable practice in commerce, they don't see this as a bad thing in relationships, or don't even question this, and perhaps this is because oftentimes people walk into a relationship not thinking that this will be a "temporal thing" but a permanent one. A lot of people who get in a relationship, are looking for their "forever after", so why would they look for the exit?

As it is, when you get a membership, usually you are not looking for it to end soon, but rather to enjoy the perks and hope for the new, exciting things that are to come in the future. Pretty much like in a relationship. However, as with memberships, things can change with time, and things might come to the point where it's best to cancel teh membership or dissolve the relationship, or part ways. Getting to this point can be hard as well, specially when you are still thinking of those remaining few good things, or you are thinking that maybe soon things will change and you don't want to miss the new good things to come, whether you are certain of them to come, or you only hope for them to come. So, in memberships and relationships, coming to the point where you decide that leaving is the best course of action can be hard in itself. So, why face more trouble? And I don't mean the natural pain of leaving or breaking up, or telling a boss you are resigning, or a family member that you won't be visiting them anymore and you wish them not to call you anymore. I mean of those cases where - like in those memberships - the people or the organization you are in this relationship with turn out to be toxic or so impossible you start feeling trapped, that you have no way out.

Those relationships (be it friends, family, romantic partners, or so) that refuse to let you go, guilty trip you, start spreading rumors about you in order to close doors for you, threaten your safety or that of others in order to force you to remain in the relationship, clearly against your will. In some cases it's complicated because you haven't chosen the relationship, and opting out isn't clear - such as in the case with family - or you may be in a very delicate situation where your livelihood depends on that relationship, such as a job, for instance. No, I won't tell you that there's always a way out, and sometimes you have to do work little by little and find ways to carve a little space where you can feel better, or build some kind of distance of some sort either to make the situation livable, or until a chance appears that allows you to leave.

Memberships might be easier to terminate, but when we get into a relationship, or about to, before we jump in, lets look for red flags, lets state clear our hard limits and stick to them firmly. Let's be watchful and be ready to leave. And when we can't leave, let's work hard to become stronger and build those barriers, those limits and reinforce them, have them respected over and over until we carve for ourselves the space to be happy and free.