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| Property of Stormberry |
Up to this day, all my computers - which have been laptops since 2001, when I bought myself my first laptop, a used IBM Think Pad, Lain - have been... how shall I call them? "Windows" laptops. Or PC laptops. Well, this time around I knew I needed something else, something that would give me the chance to remain fast more than 12 months, reliable and durable. I wanted a long term, long relationship laptop. And so I planned and invested in a MacBook. I asked more about it, consulted with friends, at the store, checked prices, and finally, on my brother's birthday, this year, I've got my Mac. His name isn't Mac, he's Virgil. I had to pick a name quite quickly, on the store (later on I realized I could have just given it my name, but... Virgil isn't me, just as my car, Nathaniel isn't me), and Virgil was what came to my mind. I certainly liked the Aeneid, and right then I wasn't thinking whether I should call it after one of my Gods (Mercury, Neptune or Odin). Yes, it could have been Minerva, but this laptop doesn't feel like a "she", but a "he". (Only my first two laptops have been "she", Lain and Iria. Both were IBM Think Pads).
I'm still learning how to use it, and there are like a gozillian things I still don't get, but I'm getting there. So far, I like it.
This year I started going to therapy with a psychologist a friend recommended me. Actually, I heard her talk about her, mostly for being a Pagan-friendly shrink. I have decided to start working on my shadow in order to start getting over and moving past recurring themes in my life and maybe also getting off the hamster wheel I feel I am in with certain people. There is so much my lovely mind can figure out, but then there are other parts I need professional help to figure out and to know how to start solving. Hope all that works well. I have been in therapy before, but now I expect something different. I want to work on issues I have found I may have rooted in unsolved family dynamics, that may not be helping me move entirely forward with my life, or that make me more sensitive to certain things than what I would like to be. And yes, I want to be able to let go of the deep, burning hatred I have felt at time at some people. Sure, feeling hatred is something I encourage in order to know your hating self, but I know plenty of my hating self, I don't need more, and hatred doesn't bring me any joy or any satisfaction.
That sounded strange, right? Well, think about it: some people seem to thrive when they are in a situation where they can gang on someone or something, when they can unite in hate, be in an "us vs. them" scenario. People who thrive in conflict and fight. I am not one of them. First of all, I am a Moonchild, a Cancer-born, and as such, I avoid conflict. Second, I actually find joy in emotions like love, happiness, mellow, harmony, soft, comfort, cozy and so on. I would fight if I have to, as I have proven time and again when I have faced situations and given voice to concerns and doubts while others cowered, but I rather cocoon, put on a record of jazz, were soft socks and read, knit or do something like that, in my blue couch, with a comfy beverage.
And so, I want to work out to reach my blanket-and-blue-couch-with-knitting state of mind.
Studies are going well. This is the last quarter of the Master's program, and... I feel expanded. (Ok, maybe that is Mr Jack Daniels talking through me ;) I had a night cap). Each day I try to pull two oracle cards and today I've got Jupiter. And yes, I feel less like I'm moving nowhere, and more like "I get it" with my thesis. I see the big picture, I see the point of it. I see the prospect and the promise. Last time my thesis tutor said: "I feel like I can expect more from you", as in, more as what he can expect from others, and that felt to me like my topic is going to take more time, BUT it will reach into something important. How exciting is that!?
My house of seven gables is also doing well, and I may be on the verge of adopting a new cat. Goodness Gracious, a decision I can make by myself! My house, my rules! I can become the cat lady! I love having my own house.
Slowly but surely, my life is rolling out, taking form. I see my sister-in-law getting into all sorts of fights with some neighbours, my brother trying to manage his life and family, my nephews and niece finding their path in life, my parents getting by... and I have a life that feels like all that cushy, fluffy, warm, nice comfy and cozy comfort, peppered with heaps of witchy, the kind of music I like and the kind of food and cooking I want. More than free and independent, I feel... whole. I feel me. I just want to feel more me, more... how can I say this? More unlimitedly me.
