Motherhood

 I'm childfree, and happily childfree. I have nephews and a niece, and I love them dearly, but I have never felt the desire to have children for myself. Maybe when I was young I thought about it, tried to imagine myself in a mother situation and I never really connected. And it was never a matter of me "hating children", because I have nothing against children. Well, yes, like anyone else, I'm annoyed by unruly children in closed spaces like airplanes, public transportation, restaurants or waiting rooms. There, the problem is never the children, is the parent or guardian who should a) educate the children better, or b) should have known that the child or the children can't behave in places like that in a way that doesn't disturb other patrons.

As a childfree person, I have had the chance to live the life I want to live, in the conditions I want to live it and pursue my happiness. I'm conscious that children - no matter how lovely and adorable, as I am sure they would have been - would have been a burden that would have hindered me in my efforts to attain the life I wanted for myself, the one I have been able to build for myself and enjoy.

I am happy and sometimes I get this feeling, like a moment of panic thinking what would have happened if I had made a different choice in my life. If I had married, if I had not followed a career in economics, if I would have caved to social pressure and have had a children with one of my boyfriends of the time. Society and people around me who claim to care for my wellbeing have not made my path easy-breezy, as many other childfee people can attest, I'm sure. I had to fight for this life and I managed, I did it and now I'm enjoying it to the fullest. Of course, the people saying stuff like "you won't be happy/fulfilled unless you marry and have children" are not coming back to say "well, you were right all this time, you choice was indeed better for you". It would be nice though, but oftentimes people who meddle and try to order how others should live their lives not only don't know better, but they don't admit fault either.

Through the years, I have seen other people have children, deal with them as they are babies and then grow, and save for two exceptions, I have seen then same thing time and time again: anger, frustration, sacrifice and a weariness where they accept the fact that they won't access to things they enjoy and wanted and call it "commitment", what they gave up for the "joy" of having a family. But you look at them, who have been complaining of the multiple problems they have with their spouses, their children, and you can't stop wondering if that sacrifice, that commitment is worth it, if they would have not been happier if they choose not to have children, not to marry this person and instead would have become a digital nomad as they wanted, or would have gone abroad to study or whatever.

Then there are these cases, where you are privy to the way they parent, the way their children grow up, and you know in your heart that you would do it better. I have seen many such cases, with parents who can't be bothered with their children, can't care with fixing food for the children or even teaching them to fix their own meals, won't do the laundry, won't clean, won't care about their school chores or sit down with them to explain them things they don't understand. Watching this, yes, I can conclude that I would be a much better parent, and part of it is that I decided I won't be one. And I can't stop wondering with these people I see, if they became parents believing what society told them, that they should, that parenthood was a sign of being mature and a way to show love. And they got trapped.

But then, why the pressure to become a mother? Aside from pushing women to become mothers, tied down to their children, there is also the pressure from religious groups and all sorts of "conservatives" (I guess they are working hard to preserve patriarchy) that oppose to procedures like abortion, forcing women to bring to term a pregnancy - even if that costs them their lives, even if this is part of a traumatic experience, even if they have no resources to support the child or the child and themselves - and well, whatever happens to the baby once it's born, they can't care less. Has anyone wondered about that?

People against abortion impose their position on others - it's not like, if they are against abortions, then they themselves won't get one - and shame or accuse others of awful things if they procure and abortion or are in favor of letting people chose whether they want to keep an unwanted pregnancy or not. They talk about life, but it's mainly the life in the uterus, not outside of it. If the existence of a fetus or an embryo were so important for them, why have they made no effort to create artificial wombs where all unwanted embryos and fetuses can be implanted, so that people with unwanted pregnancies can get rid of them, and the anti-abortionists can be happy because that given embryo or fetus will now continue the process and maybe become a baby.

Oftentimes there is no aid for people having unwanted pregnancies to raise the children they have, and socially, people giving up unwanted babies continue being stigmatized and made feel "unnatural" or guilty for not keeping the child.

But if they keep the child, they are not out of the woods either. They may have trouble with their jobs, their bills multiply, they get tired and on top of everything, they are being told they are not good enough parents. No matter what they do, they are not doing enough, because being a mother means to be able to keep a spotless home, gourmet grade food on the table, play with your children and never worry about money because you provide them with all they need. If they cry, you are not a good mother, if they get sick, you are not a good mother.

So, there is this idea of motherhood, of parenthood. There are these expectations, which patriarchal societies tend to push heavier on the shoulders of women, where children and motherhood is used as a tool of control, to keep women in check, and oftentimes also men, as they are often expected to provide for the women and their children. Men might "escape" from this fate as they can walk away from any unwanted pregnancy, unless they are sued and forced to care for the child. And again, the child becomes a shackle.

I am childreee, and I see babies and children as people. People like you and me. Younger people, but still people. Mothers are people too.

Do we all see it the same way?