Changing

Certain things are a little difficult to accomodate in our speech and our explanation because they are not absolute. One of those "things" are people and their changing dynamics. On one hand, people are in a constant process of changing (and I believe I have written about this in the past, but I can't remember when or what exactly did I wrote). Some people are supposed to "never have changed", such as it is said from Marcel Proust - which I doubt, but if it was true, I pity him deeply - but basically people do change.  Change isn't good, nor is bad, it's just change. You grow old, grow taller, grow wiser (hopefully) and as you live more and more you change your mind adjusting your position to the new things you know about this or that. You know, you might be okay with meat eating, until someone explains you what goes into getting you that piece of chicken breast you had for lunch, and then you see the value in becoming vegetarian.

Our tastes change with time too, and it happens that something we used to like we don't like anymore, or something we couldn't stand in the past is now our favorite. Yes Timmy, change is natural. But is it bad? When I was younger I didn't like avocado, not I love it. Is that good or bad? Neither. The judging is subjective. There are parts that are not supposed to change, or be subject of much subtle changes, such as our personalities, and there are things that are desirable not to change (often) such as our ideals, our opinion, because these ensure our integrity.

Another thing entirely is when you want to make other people change. Yes, change can be influenced by external elements, but all changes must come from within, and only in the direction dictated by our inner self. When you want to change someone (or someone what to change you) the attempt made is to impose on you a given change and a given direction for that change without it being worked out from inside. This isn't natural, this isn't good, and even if the change is made, it would be a fake change bound to undoing.

Another wrong aspect about externally imposed changes is that these do not take in consideration the core of the person they are imposing the change on. There are some thing - as I have stated before - that simply don't change. You can't change the personality of someone simply because you don't like the one they have. Other things that are often resistent to attempts of change are values, principles and habits. One thing is to change the habit of throwing your clothes on the floor after you take them - you can easily rationalize this - and another completely is to make someone else erradicate their family customs (how they cook, how they celebrate holidays and birthdays, how they bring up their children, and daily rutines), to impose your own.

Most trouble of this kind appears among couples and the relationship with in-laws, however this also happens among people sharing a room or apartment, family members and friends. If you are in a situation of this type, the first thing you need to evaluate, is whether you are expecting the other person to change. If you are, stop. Then again, one thing is to expect the other person to contribute in doing the chores, and entirely another is to expect that other person to do things the way you want them done, or expecting that person to be less like they are and more like, say... you.

You must always understand that people won't change for you, and if they do, suspect. Also, realize that you won't change and shouldn't change to fit other people's expectations. You are who you are, and they are who they are, take it or leave it. Respect it or get the hell out of it. It is important that you get your message clear: "This is me, and I hope you can respect it. In the measure you do, I will respect who you are". Indeed the solution is hard, but that's the only way: you must be ready to cut a relationship if either the other person has qualities that disturb you much out of your comfort zone and diminish your quality of life. This also applies to third interested parties - say in-laws, the boss of your boss, the dean of your faculty - who have some degree of say into your primal relationship. Though in the case of in-laws you can tell your partner, that either they stop disrespecting you or you two are over, in the case of boss' boss or dean of the faculty isn't a "respect me or I'll leave", but it is certainly a case of "respect me or I'll sue you into Christmas".

The request of respect should always be the first thing one resources to, and the severing of ties or agressive stance the last one, but through the whole process it is important to remain strong, determinated and respectful. Never lose your dignity, never compromise your values, never give up your ideals. You may lose a job, a partner, a friend, get stranded from a part of the family, but you won't lose the most important thing: your integrity.