After bitching so much about people who whine about something but do nothing about their issues - all inspired by a particular person in my life -, I realized that I was doing the same about this person. Well, I don't want to turn into what I dislike so much, so I took a determination - the same determination I've taken before and which I'm taking now for the n-th time: It's time to let this person go. It shouldn't be so hard, since I have let go of friends before, but somehow this time it's not working as smoothly as before.
We all agree that making decisions is hard by its own, but once you make your mind and make a decision the second big task you must tackle is getting that decision through. My relationship with this person has become toxic over the years, as she had morphed from a sweet person to a bitter one who often rushes into all types of biased conclusions that more often than not offend others. close minded, and obstinate to the point of wearing off your will and your nerves. There's just so much negativity you can take.
I had been pulling away slowly - the unsuspected retiring being the strategy I had chosen to deal with the situation - going from having my job, my employer, my academics and my economic sector insulted to being lied in my face about things I do know very well. I can let many things roll, but blatantly lying to me about things I know well isn't something I ever forgive. Then how come I kept befriending this person? Good question. I guess I still had strings attached. Sometimes letting go of someone after having them in my life for such a long time. But like the card says, we have arrived to the point where we should realize that the friendship we once had is no longer there. It's not that I hate this person, but we have grown so far apart that nothing holds us together anymore - not even our interest in Pagan Religions (specially because my interest is in religions, and only Hyne knows if there would be anything left when I go on with Islam, Judaism, Buddhism and others) - and negativity isn't really the glue you need to keep people together.
What do you need to get through with a hard decision? Determination, integrity, and sense of self. I must remember that no matter how much I love this person, my interaction with them is no longer a positive one, that I feel drained. It's time to put aside that little tag of "but I'll stay around just in case things turn back to be the way they were". Things won't go back to be the way they were, just like a river doesn't flow backwards. Things have to run their curse, and if we are meant to be together again, then be it, but now our faith is to be separated.
As first steps I have stopped all conversations over the internet. This person nearly never calls me, unless it is to try and get an illegal favor (like checking on my work address book for someone and sent them the number and e-mail. And ten out of ten times my reply is "I don't have access to that information". Not that I expect them to believe me, but I do expect them to get the hint and stop asking for such things), so avoiding the calls is pretty easy. As a second step I already made plans to assist to a Pagan activity with other friends. ^_^ It's going to be an awesome chance to gather information of the pragmatic part of the religion and ask people living the religion. Informal surveying! Field research! Yay!!! Can't wait for it!
Pulling out slowly didn't work, as evidently I'm not deft enough at managing the negativity that pours out of them. So shall I face this person and tell them that I love them but I can't any longer take their attitude - which might result in more bitterness, more negativity, and maybe even "then lets just talk about this and I won't bother you anymore with this and that"-type of talks -, or shall I withdraw like a spy, quick, efficient and silently?
I want to avoid the "I'll change" conversation - though it may never actually happen, judging from this person's rather aggressive behavior - basically because I don't trust on changes made on demand. Sure, one thing is changing your habit of leaving your dirty socks on the kitchen table, or not washing the dishes after eating, or not brushing your teeth - these are small domestic habits that are easy to change without them meaning a core transformation or an important affection in the personality - but when a change would be requested or is proposed upon something that's linked to the personality, to the core of the person, such as attitude, expression of needs, needs and so on, they all imply fixing on a mask to hide issues that remain unsolved underneath. I don't want people to adapt to me, change for me, people must remain true to themselves, and I rather detach from people I don't click with and connect with people I click with.
I'll need strenght for my next step. Wish me luck!
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