It is not a secret that I don't like my mother-in-law, however lately I've been faced with the extent and nature of my dislike towards her. It is a sad thing that these feelings bring sadness upon Kari's heart, but things are the way they are. My Aunt had wisely advised me to just let her be, and simply go with the flow with her, which I tried, I really did, but upon her rudeness and non-stop agression, I decided to disregard my Aunt's advise and follow my own lead. Namely, avoid her by all means, but if forced to confront her (which is a big IF as I plan to put all my creative skills to use in concocting detours and ways to avoid her, such as inventing newer and newer appointments, tasks and illnesses to skip each and every meeting), I guess I'll be my usual, evil, charming self and give back blow by blow with sneaky, cunning remarks peppered with my full teeth smile.
Realization came upon the fact that my parents were in inminent danger of meeting her, and the proverbial end of the world was to come down. My folks are important to me, which is why I don't wish to expose them to such a toxic person, which is why I did all in my power to keep them from her.
Today I wondered what was, however, behind the feeling, and if it was really that easy for me to walk away from Kari if things became too annoying for me. Truth is that they are already annoying, so I should really be walking away right now. So why don't I? Could it be simply because I'm here, she's there, I blocked her from my gmail and so I don't see her?
Yesterday, as I wrote my entry in the Hungarian blog, I realized that I have fought bigger assholes, I have triumphed over really annoying s.o.b.'s which lead me to conclude that confrontation would be a piece of cake for me, and I would only use the fight and the ill relationship to have a valid reason to stay away from her. It was there when I realized that it would hurt Kari, but not as much for the bad environment, but because his mother would pour her venom on him and fight with him, hurt him in all the ways she can't reach to me, just as his brother does with him right now. This made me realize that I'm not so mad about all the bullshit she throws in my direction, which, yeah, upsets me like hell, but I'm a big, strong, mean girl and I can deal with it with one hand tied to my back, but all the bullshit she throws at my sweet, darling, loving, gentle boyfriend.
The harpie actually feeds on his weakness, his subdued nature, his humongus insecurity, which she herself cultivated in him, to - well, not manipulate him, as this has fallen out of her reach, probably from much probbing - harm and punish in an attempt to constantly establish her "superiority". This is what upsets me, and it annoys me greatly to know that I'm not there to relieve my adored, beautiful boyfriend from the fight with this monster, and so I must leave him there, unprotected, vulnerable to her poisonous claws.
I can sooth him from here, encourage him, love him, ensure him, but it is not the same. Besides, I'm working my ass off to get him to develop some confidence, and there goes the harpie and pushes him back into child-state, insecure, immature by pressure, choking such a charming, amazing man of many talents that so far has never been let express himself creatively.
I must admit, that is my ultimate goal: to release his soul and discover the art that lives within him, but for that, he must find his freedom first, his independence and grasp it, and then, by finding himself in himself, his art will burst out of him like a fountain, and all he is will be splashed around him.
That's what I want to witness.
No comments:
Post a Comment