On Wild Dreams and Wishes

Lately I'm struggling to get a good grasp on the reigns of my life. After the last post, I still went on considering these things that are changing and need to be changed in my life. In a way it's like living in the center of a flower and that flower now is blooming, and though the blooing is good, the very opening of the petals fills you with the feeling that not everything can be controlled, and if you know me, you know that I always need to be on top of my business.

AT WORK I'm getting pretty much on top of things, though I recently realized that some details may have slipped last time, which are no biggies, really - nothing that can't be fixed and nothing really, that can't be written of as an honest, human mistake (I may have not sent the last updated file, which is odd and makes me doubt my files, because I'm so anal about that). Regarding the changes I've been thinking about (and this odd slip also gets me thinking more about the need to move, how my brain isn't happy with my current work and might be acting up on me), I had it on good source that I may want to wait a little more as big changes are to be made and it wouldn't be convenient for me to be caught between the moving forces and politics. The "agression" have been waving, truth to be told. One day hot, then there's a piercing icicle here and there, spicing the days. One of the arguments I hear the most about not making the move go about the concept of the "integral professional". This "Integral Professional" is the kind of professional that knows about many fields, not just one, specialized area.

Personally I'm a bit more old-school in this sense and prefer a different approach as to what makes a professional or a scientist a good professional/scientist. I don't think that "knowing about everything" is actually good, specially not the way it's usually managed around: the professional that tries their hand at everything, regardless of their studies. Yes, stepping outside your field is good and enriching, as long as you do it with the purpose of adding to your field. However, trying this and that, getting a feel of the ropes and gathering a whole bunch of information without an actual, deep knowledge (the type you get at the University), doesn't really add up to anything.

I know I'm needed here, but this is no longer the place where I could grow professionally within the line of my field.

AT UNIVERSITY I had some of the hardest, most brutal weeks recently. Though this four-month period (the University  works on four-month periods, not on semesters) I've taken only two subjects (I wanted to take more, but not all the subjects I wanted to enroll for were being offered, and some got filled quite fast), the amount of homeworks, forums, virtual activities and then final papers had me crashing down. Not to mention the tests. It doesn't help either that the level of chaos among teachers is simple appaling. You couldn't possibly get on track with most of the work even if you wanted to, when the teachers upload material and instructions late.

Thanks Hyne we had off the whole Holy Week, (the week before Easter), because that way I could use all those days to get THREE homeworks and the FINAL PAPER done. Oh, are you doing the maths and thinking, how can you have for one week four things to do for two subjects? It's called "lack of organization".

I'm only 5 subjects and a final seminar away from my Accounting diploma. Just what remains of this year and the next.

The sad thing is that I'm actually considering the possibility of continuing and getting my Finance and my Marketing diplomas. Well, Finance first, if I get through Accounting and don't end up too traumatized.

ABOUT MY PENPALS, I'm still on record as the most hideous penpal of history. I'm carrying their letters, but can't really get to write to them.  I read their letters, speak to them in my head, but when I were to land it on paper I'm overcome with guilt because "I should be studying" or working or something of the sort. And when I do have the time, my brain seems so void, like I can't even spoon a single word, a single sentiment to tell them.

Girls, I haven't forgotten you, I'm just going through a crappy momentum.

AT MY PERSONAL LIFE things are sort of split. Generally they are well. Good friends, plenty of series, loving boyfriend, but there's also this thing about what would our future bring and whether there is actually a future somewhere in there. I like to have definition, but then there are things that can't be defined as clearly and perfectly as I like them to be. Thus there's a big haze right now in the box that says "INSERT LOVE LIFE FUTURE HERE".

For sometime I had all this questions in my head, whether this was going anywhere, whether this is healthy, whether this is what I want, whether this will actually become a long term thing or if this is the moment when the thread breaks and things come to an end. I needed to know in order to prepare for any and every possible outcome. Then I realized something important: I don't actually put my whole life on hold for a relationship. Kari has his agenda, and his issues to sort out. I don't have to sit put and wait, but carry on, and so, now I carry on. Honestly, my life is so full of all sorts of things, that the last thing I need is to worry about things I can't change. Eventually something will come out. I put my cards on the table, but the ball is on his court, and there I can't do a thing.

As result of all that, at one point there I decided that I need a break, I want a break, I CRAVE a break, and so a crazy idea started to form: I want to take a trip to Salem, Massachusetts (yes, the Salem of the Witches of Salem). It started like a wild thought that you may not think all so seriously, like "oh, if I do this I'll award myself with five gallons of ice cream". However, the thought stuck with me and I started considering it more and more and more, until I found myself making plans, researching, looking at prices and fares and drafting up a potential budget. I do want to go to Salem!

Yes, I'm currently saving quite hard to buy a house or an appartment - we shall see when we get to that point - and I have other expenses, including my car related expenses and my University related expenses - which don't come cheap - so squeezing in a trip to Salem might not come without effort, but now this is giving me something to look forward, to do, to dream with. It would be actually much longer than my not-Hungary related trips (the average period of most of my trips is 3 days), for I plan on staying a week. For Halloween. Ok, must make sure that I won't have any tests programmed for that week, but I do want to do this, I do want to make this trip, finally go to the States for the first time in my life and get myself a break. I can do it, right? It's ok to dream this big, right?

Blessed Imbolc!

After a year of blogging everyday, it feels like I've never said "it's been a while", and after nearly two or three weeks, I feel already like saying "Boy! It's been so long!". Well, this only shows how relative time is. However, relative or not, my time has been positively consumed at the office, and not always in a positive way. Now there I can say that it's been a long while since I had to work in such mindblowing conditions. Remember when I used to bitch and bitch about the work? When I was with my previous boss? Well, it's like that all over again, and we are not talking about the same person! (That boss, actually, has been recently demoted. The people he had at his charge were taken away from him, and I heard that he's now working as a sort of assistent, so that he can keep his large salary, but by now everybody knows what kind of "good work" can they expect from him.)

The current situation is so creepy, so exactly the same that still, you can't really believe it's happening. For instance, truth to be told, I'm not needed by this person, who is not my direct boss, but's ripping me away from my direct boss, who is an angel, BUT she needs to keep me. Why? I've heard she has beef with my boss, so she wants to get back at him by hacking his team to her liking, but I wouldn't say that's the matter. If it were, she would be much more aware of my capabilities, and wouldn't be throwing at me stuff I have no idea how to do. Really. Not only that, but she's sending my way some really delicate tasks that demand years of experience and a higher paycheck, as they, well, require a much higher level of responsability than what my current paycheck covers.

The situation is bad, looks dark and endless, and yet, a little spark of hope is flaming up in the distance. This is what Imbolc brought to me this year.

You see Imbolc marks that day when even you are still in the arms of Winter, you know that it won't take that long for the Spring to come. The nights are still long, but they have been drawing shorter and shorter, and the days are lenghtening slowly but surely. The world isn't an endless night, marked by leaking darkness and only memories of the summer days, but the balance is slowly restoring. And though the nights are still larger than the days, Ostara is coming closer and closer and soon the days will equal and then pass the nights.

I had hoped to spend this day with some friends, but things came out differently. Instead I stayed at home and worked on an order of 12 lanyarns ordered by different friends and friends of my friends. I guess this little side business has taken off. Now I can only hope the good times will last for a while and nor the orders nor my supplies would diminish. See? There's a little ray of hope!

I've been reading "Catching Fire" lately, and I love it! I have it by lending it from Amazon.com, which is something you can do with a Prime Rate Membership. However I'm considering ordering it from Libri, which is a Hungarian bookstore. The books would remain in Hungary, of course, but then, by being in Hungarian, my boyfriend could read them, and I bet he would like them. :-) Or at least I hope.

I haven't completed many of my tasks from my latest List of 13, but hopefully I'll get around those soon enough. Some are really fascinating, like going to the movies - I decided I want to watch Hansel & Grettel - and others are just wonderful, like drawing, working on a piece of literature - hope the muse is willing - adding to the Book of Ideas and what not. These are all things I love, things I look forward to, but why I don't get around to do them? Because I get moody and tired during the weekdays and on the weekend all I want is to sleep. So, I guess I have to pull myself out of this and keep with my List, refusing to all of the annoying elements of my life the satisfaction of making my days less bright.

It's Imbolc, and like the world, I'm waking up to the sense that it might still be Winter, but Spring is certainly on the way.

Blessed Be All!

Got A Present From Mexico!

Yay! ^_^ My Secret Santa from the Book Swapping Club was the lovely Dee Scissorhands! And my Goodness, was she grand! I've got TWO books instead of ONE! TWO AWESOME BOOKS! ^_^Well, with this I can just cross out one of my tasks from the List of 13: "Pick a Great Book to Read". Well, that will be... The Scarlet Letter + Hunger Games! ^_^ Okay, one... let's go Classic: The Scarlet Letter, but I'll read the Hunger Games too! Right after or before! It doesn't matter! Yay! Books!

I've also got a lovely letter and postcards from Mexico. One's a composite picture of different locations in Chiapas, the other is a picture of sailing at Playa del Carmen, and the last one is a super-cool, 3D postcard with a Mayan Calendar. The one that applied to the era that ended now with the "end of the world". I guess I'll have to wait for the next calendar now. It must be really interesting to study these ancient American cultures, and get to understand their symbols and messages, because I look at this picture and all I see is a stone disc with embossed designs. I couldn't tell you were it starts, where it ends or how on Earth do you know it meant for the Era to end on the dawn of 2012's Yule.

Days are peaceful now. There's no more rush about Christmas or presents, our only thoughts are about our upcoming trip to Cuba and that's it. For New Year? No plans, really. Maybe we'll stay home with a bottle of good champagne, or maybe we'll visit friends... no rush there either! Not the first New Year we spend together at home, though admitedly, since it's our Aniversary too, we tend to spend it abroad. :-D Wait, do we? Suddenly I can't remember how many years I've been with my boyfriend. A lot, I guess. Oh well, not like he's going anywhere, so why count the years, right? It's not like it's a prison sentence and I'm calculating how many years more I have to "endure" to gain freedom! ^_^ That's the attitude of "sentenced for life without parole". Yes, I know, I make relationships sound like the worse thing that could ever happen to you. In some cases it is.

I was going to pack my trusty Kindle for my trip to Cuba, but I think I'll rather go with one of my new books. Yay! I'm so excited!!! ^_^ Can you tell? Everything is just so awesome, the days ahead look so wonderful... Numerologically speaking 2013 will be a "6" type of year for me. What does that mean? I don't know, but it sure looks like AWESOME and HAPPY! ^_^

Isn't life lately just great! ^_^ Happy rest of the day for all!

Sunday Without Yoga

Sunday yoga is a thing of wow. The day start a little before 8 am, because at 8 am my lovely boyfriend and I meet over the Skype, then yoga, then back home to wash my hair and shower down and then goes on the rest of the day with whatever that has been planned. Well, not today, since personal nature got in the way of my plans. Man, where's my menopausia, my grey hair and my retirement staying? I want them all now! Yes, I was born old.

So, instead of stretching and twisting and flowing through asanas, I fell back in bed after talking with my boyfriend, with an aching waist, and went on watching TV and knitting until my avocado-mix colored yarn run out - which happened quite fast. Now I'm doing laundry - also part of my Sunday program - and  waiting for lunch to be ready, when I'll FINALLY have acorn with margarine. Gara love the cooked acorn coated richly with slowly melting margarine that threatens to run down your elbows. Ah, that's the Indian (Native ... Native-what are our indians?) Spirit in me.

My friend Al and I held circle yesterday to celebrate the Autumn Equinox, and this time around it came out rather well, though it was strange to hold this ceéebration while the rest of her family - save her daughter - where coming and going. There are a couple of rought patches going on there, maybe in all the wrong places, who knows, but it got me thinking time and again about the meaning of this celebration for her, and how the rest of her family were taking this circling thing. The languages to talk to God can also become the languages in which men choose to talk to their peers or themselves. I can only hope that a path of acceptance, personal choice, and respect for nature brings home the message these hearts need to be soothed and healed.

It's Sunday and many stores are closed, but I keep thinking about walking to the downtown (though rain looms dangerously close to Earth) to fetch myself more avocado-mix yarn, maybe getting a few new movies from the blockbuster for later. Well, who knows? Maybe I'll get myself The Hunger Games again. :-)

Friday at last! Wait, I should have a topic for today. I did had a topic for today... I just don't remember where did I place it. So let's just ramble again! It's like journaling-day! Let's dump a lot of little daily non-senses and too peculiar and partilular things, from which no major philosophical break through can come. First thing I think about is "I'll go straight home, straight to bed and sleep until tomorrow". Not that I'm sleepy now, mind you, but the sole idea of being able to go home and sleep until I wake up by myself, and not to an alarm clock, makes me want to make the most of this sleeping.

The New Moon is coming as well, and with it the end of a List of 13 and the begining of a new one. Well, this list will come to its end with lots of holes. Not all my plans were achieved, not all the tasks were fulfilled, and as I look at them I can certainly see through these cracks the change in my life, as I settle back into the old Costa Rican and public employee rhythm. Some points were achieved, but many that are fun, many that I specifically love and enjoy couldn't go through. For some "weekly" tasks - and here I'm bitterly pointing at the demure task of "going to the movies once a week", when back in Hungary I had it to "going to the movies AT LEAST twice a week" - things couldn't be managed without them losing their most important component: being fun. I am certainly NOT going to the movies to watch the same movie week after week to comply with a list, while not liking the movie that much. Do I really don't have the time anymore to do these things, or are they not reasonable given the particular conditions of this country? Not like I added "go skying" when I'm in the middle of Hawaii, but ofthen what you take for granted, what you consider to be the basic milestone of civilization (such as regular movie premiers every Thursday) just isn't so.

Others were doable, but I didn't feel in the right state of mind to follow them through. One of these was reading indexed articles. I love them, I really do, but I've realized that I allow my job to engulf me so thoroughly, that any academical material escapes me. I shouldn't let that happen, so I'll have to work out a system to make this work. Now that I'm reaching the end, will I move the unfinished tasks to the next list? That seems like much of an easy move, and this shouldn't be the point of the List of 13, so after I've slept myself to absolute satisfaction, or maybe before, while checking some of the videos I rented to make up for the movie fiasco, I'll think about them, think why they didn't go through and whether I should pursue them, and if I do, what should be the best way to make sure I keep enjoying them while not making my life into a battle between Must and Fun.

Today is my boyfriend's boyfriend. Called him, and found out that I was the first one in calling him up. Dude, that was at nearly 7 pm, Hungarian time! Something must be done about this in the future. I owe him something pretty for his birthday, but I'm sure he will pick something nice and charge it to my card. ^_^ If not, thanks Hyne I'm already looking up for Plan B. I'm just kind of girlfriend. ^_^ And totally love him, by the way! So he better picks something truly fabulous.

Yesterday, on the other hand, was my friend Al's birthday. As gift I thought up a mini-spa experience at L'Occitane, where they made her a facial with Immortelle. I have had a couple of facials in my life, but the one they give you at L'Occitane (available only at one of the stores, to my knowledge, as not all stores are equiped the same) is by far the best. She has had lots of worries for a while now, so what better than giving her a space to clear out her mind and feel pampered? It would have been fabulous to make it a surprise, but since I had to make an appointment for her, I had to tell her about it (and also find out if she objects, as some people might have a skin condition and can't just use anything on their faces). She told me that she's never had one, and so was tremendously excited to lose her facial-spa-virginity. The girls at the mini-spa were simply adorable, fabulous and great, and the products - though admitedly they test on animals (oh riiight! that's what I wanted to blog about! Oh well, some other time) - felt incredible. Al got to experience Immortelle, and when she got off the spa bed, she looked down right luminiscent.

Great product, great experience, good relax... what every woman needs and deserves. As quietly as I could - though I must admit I failed terribly here at making it imperceptible, I still must work on my "passing information spy-mode" skills - I've got her part of her treatment - the bare necessities for daily life - so this wouldn't be a once in a lifetime experience, but one that she can easily and comfortably relive (even if just partly) day after day. She was happy and that made me happy too.

Today, aside from being Kari's birthday, is our pre-Independence day, noted by all sorts of civic activities at the main squares of major cities, with a lantern procession. In it children from local schools walk around a given route around the city center with lots of paper made lanterns lit with candles (or at least in my time they were all lit with candles, which was fun because there was always a couple that set on fire ^_^), after having sang our National Anthem exactly at 6 pm. At this time the Torch of Independence is supposed to arrive to San José - the capital city - which is carried by a high school athlete, who comes running from the previous  city where the Torch has stopped at lit the local Torch, which remains in that city, guarded by an honor guard again composed by high school students.

Tomorrow is Independence day, but that... belongs to another post.

Blessed be All!

We Have Sheers!

Our apartment looks different again, better, if I may say so, and the reason is simple: we hung our sheers from the windows. And Goodness Gracious! The difference it makes! Light isn't harsh in the room, though that has never been a problem, but the windows themselves have smoothed as well. The ugly gas pipes get somewhat better hid from sight, and the unslightly, discolored window frames are also discreetly taken away from the view.

We had bought the sheers perhaps a month ago, but didn't get to hang them, since it demanded time. We have three windows and for each of them there's a pair of sheers that need to be fitted. My boyfriend's job was to get on the ladder and hang the sheers twice - one for measuring them up and once when they were finished. My job was to measure the sheers, calculate the exact lenght with the expected 4% shrinkage (I totally love that IKEA tells you about this!), and then mark the lenght by ironing the part that would be the edge on each of the six sheer panes, then put in the fixing strip (a sort of plastic strip that sticks to the fabric when it's ironed to it, normally used to stiffen the fabric, but also to make a hem without stitching), and cut the excess fabric. It wasn't a short job, but we made it today at last, and I'm pleased with the results.

After visiting my penpal Trish on the weekend, I must admit that I'm quite ashamed of our apartment, as it isn't as taestfully arranged as theirs, but then again maybe I'm just being silly. There's no way, after all, that an economist who has spent most of her life in the tropic, could possibly compete with a consumed, professional interior designer and furniture connoisseur who happens to live in an artistic, tasteful town, where everything is just delightful.

Be it as it may, my boyfriend wants me to take pictures of the apartment, so he can upload them on the Real Estate web, to get a feel of the price our apartment could get. Realtors, you know.

I had plans for today, but none of them got completed. I was supposed to go to the Post Office, since I so brightly forgot to give my postcards to Trish - living with her kind offer - so she would post them for me from Braunau to my penpals. I think it is about time I start thinking about going to the doctor to get some "old people pills" prescribed. My memory is really, REALLY bad (maybe I sould start thinking also about getting a pillbox, so I can keep my medication in order for the future). Then I wanted to go to IKEA on a double mission. For once, the new collection would enter in August, so what better chance than right not to get a feel of what pieces of the old collection are leaving the scene and thus being sold at reduced prices. And we need two desks. Urgently.

The other reason is to search for small bottles. I'd like to take with me a few elements of Hungary that will accompany me wherever I am. Since the traditional elements (Earth, Air, Fire, Water) are kinda hard to get - due to the air - I was thinking about the five elements of Chinese philosophy (Wu Xing: Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, Water). The idea of it came to me the other day, when I was once again marveling at how different the soil is from that of Costa Rica. I guess I can't get over the pale, sandy type of earth we have here. I've already located the source for all of my elements, decided on each of them BUT I haven't found the bottles. Naturally plastic bottles won't do it, because I kinda want to keep the "organic", old, natural feeling to them, AND I need them also to contain water, so wood boxed wouldn't do it either. Now, the bottle you see in this picture is what I'm thinking about, in a small size, say 7 cm (3 inches) high, or with a 1dl capacity. That's all I need. I don't want to take the whole Danube with me, along with half of the Roman Excavations. But you know what? Getting these small bottles is impossible. I'm not kidding, it is impossible!

Upon this, and having bought in February some spice jars, I thought about making it happen with spice jars.

Well, the trip wasn't made, so we shall see if I can unglue myself from bed in time to go to IKEA and take a quick check around the kitchenware and see where can I hunt down my bottles. It doesn't help my case knowing that Amazon.com has them and sells them. :-( Why!? They wouldn't make it in time! (Not like I won't buy them! I will).

I'm packing - I just finished my first packing try out today - but I still have a lot of stuff to pack and to get. I at least want a mini cauldron (you would too, if you would have eaten that FABULOUS bogrács stuff I had! Wish I could pack a real size one and tons of venison... that would make me happy), and then some replicas of medieval time swords (mini!) and jewelry I saw being sold at one of the museums I visited. I'll still visit my favorite museum, but I doubt there's anything left for me to buy there, as I've bought all the Empress Sissi books and souvenirs I could get my hands on.

Well, tomorrow is a new day, and the cleaning lady is coming, so I'll have little time and plenty to do. ^_^

Your True Strenght, from the Second Highest Mountain Top

Today I went to Galyatető with my boyfriend and my parents, to a lovely little hut my father in law has there. Galyatető is a 964 meters high mountain in Hungary, close to to the highest one, which I believe is Kékestető with 1050 meters or so. Hungary is a flat country, so yes, 1050 meters over the level of the sea is considered high.

My father in law bought himself this cozy summer house around two or three years ago, and had invited my parents to go and visit there, since he's spending most of his summer there. The air is clearer and the weather is much milder, thanks mostly to the woods that suround the place.

We talked some there, looked around the house, enjoyed the deck, and then decided to take a walk over to the top of the mountain, roughly one kilometer away, where a stone tower pushes up against the sky to offer a fabulous view above the tops of the trees. To get there, we evidently had to walk some, uphill, and that was a quite steep road. The sun was still hard upon the world, but as we walked I - who normally am not in favor of sports - noted that I'm enjoying the walk quite a lot, and that I have the resistance and the actual desire, to walk faster and take on steeper roads. I haven't done any jogging for a while due to the high temperatures (and because I know myself and I don't want to faint in the middle of the street), but as I walked I thought that I may not know myself so much, that I may not be as weak as I imagine myself to be.

We often tend to distort our capabilities. Sometimes we over estimate our strength, and we think we can take more and more and more, and suddenly we snap under the pressure of a sitaution we have taken on thinking we had the strenght to shoulder. Other times we think we are too weak to do this, or too unprepared to tackle that. And yet still, if we dare, if we are open to ourselves, we can surprise ourselves. Perhaps you have been exercising in order to get slimmer, and you don't realize that maybe you have trained your body, made your muscles stronger and thus now you can do things you couldn't do before. Run faster, run for longer periods of time or longer distances, you can hold up a hard position easier or carry more weight.

Maybe you have been working over and over with numbers, and suddenly you are better at calculating things without whipping out your calculator. There are many things we practice frequently at home, at class, at work, with our friends or in our spare time, and maybe we do it with a given goal in mind, and we feel like we are not getting anywhere because we are comparing ourselves to a given goal or to the rest of the group, but we are not actually checking ourselves in other matters, we don't check our actual advance. Take a language class, for instance: you compare yourself with the best of the class, or you measure yourself with the grades you get, but that doesn't really say much about your actual advance. Say you've been learning Spanish. Maybe you feel that you are the worse student of all, that you know nothing, and that there are students who are far better than you are, get better grades, know all the answers and so, but it isn't until you get to, say, Spain, and you are confronted with the living language, where grammar and knowing the difference between one type of past tense and the other means nothing, that you get to realize actually how much and how well have you learned the language.

Take a moment to think about the ideas you have about yourself, the "trainings" and efforts you do to get this or that, and in that moment, go to the mountain, consider checking yourself to measure exactly how much and how far have you advanced under your own nose, but also to realize your actual limitations. Knowing your capabilities gives you that push you need to keep yourself motivated, after all results are the reason why we commit to a project. But also, knowing your real limits helps you know where you stand, to know where you could work more, or where you want to stop and go on developing another area of your life.

Today, for me, life is like a path in the woods: there is a path, but all over it and around it there are fabulous things and beings you can learn from.

Happy Walpurgis Night and Beltane!

Another Pagan Sabbath is around the corner, ready to be celebrated, and with it I prepare to take the message into my heart. The most part of the information you get - from the 101 point of view - talk to you about Beltane, but it wasn't until recently that I learned about Walpurgis Night. Then, given that I'd like to work out another topic for today (or more like a different approach), and yet I wanted to keep my Pagan Calendar updated, I decided to invoke the help of Walpurgis ^_^ for the task. It's late anyway - or late for me, so you'll be probably reading this entry already for Beltane - which is held on May 1st... though I've heard of May 2nd as well. (My trusty Witches' Datebook 2012 - which I of course got because I had to and it has been very useful in my research - places Beltane on the 1st.)

In the Wheel of the Year, Beltane marks the middle of the year, and is opposite to Samhain, which is the New Year of the witches or Pagans. It celebrates the coming of the summer, the begining of the longest days of the year, with hours and hours of light and sun. In Costa Rica you don't feel this all that much though you may notice (if you wake up early enough) that you have an extra 30 minutes of light at dawn and another extra at dusk. In Europe there's no mistaking when you notice that the sun is nowhere close to the horizon at 8 pm, and 4 pm and 7 pm look exactly the same.

For many Beltane is also a much favored celebration because it's about fertility. The courting of the Spring, the shy blooms are over and it's time to get the land and the stock pregnant. Time for sex, fire and passion related thoughts, intentions and activities. However lets take the line of thought we have been following through the other Sabbaths and think about this one as well as part of our life cycle. What is this celebration of fertility? It's a celebration of Labor, and as such, it's not so farfetched to imagine how Beltane and Labor's Day fall on one and the same day (in most countries). One is a celebration of sex and the other a celebration of work, of jobs as a dignified human activity that makes the world possible. It's also a day to celebrate the conquests of Labor, the social and labor guarantees that keep us from expliotion and from working in inhuman, abusive condition. From any angle you see it, it's a celebration - a happy and passionate celebration! - of fertility.

We have planned, prepared and with Beltane we go on the Fields and work them. On these long days, under this hard sun, many peasants worked from first light to last light on the fields, on meager food if any, taking care of the pregnant Mother Earth for from the good completition of her pregnancy all of us depend. From her dark, soft womb is born our bread, from it nurtures our meat. With the very passion of unleashed joy and gayness, we should work our projects, work the fields alotted to us, push ourselves, even if we still don't see the result, even if the impact of our work gets swallowed in an endless land of waying greens and yellows. The harvests will come, the results will always show, and now is the time when we can make the difference. Now is the time when we can give into it everything we have, do our best and try to surpass ourselves, show ourselves that yes, we can and we can go even further. Surprise yourself, impress yourself! Show yourself what are you made of and do the whole 9 and then add the extra mile!

Beltane is where the plans and preparations get in action. It's the time to show the passion, unleash the flame inside our souls.

Today we went to the Velence lake, where a friend of us has a lovely summer house. The place is in one  of the many little villages that ring the lake, and to my surprise, they had a May Tree. (To Sartassa: I guess you were right! Hungarians also celebrate the May Day!) It's not a pole like the May Pole, but rather a long, long, thin stick (probably from a very thin tree), with a few branches on top, which are richly decorated with colorful ribbons. This May Tree is located at a prominent area of the village, such as in front of the city hall or some place like that. Nobody would think that it's a Pagan thing (actually in this place the city hall was in front of the church and there seemed to be no problems with that), but an ancient tradition the village is very proud to keep.

After seeing this, and since my boyfriend repotted our plants, I decided to do my impromptu May Tree from a little stick that had been in one of the pots. (One of the plants we've got was a little gift from a wedding my boyfriend attended, and on the stick was a little paper bird with his name.) I took a few ribbons I had lying around and tied them securely on top of the stick, and then stuck it back in the new pot the plant received.

This is the moment to make things happen, so are you going to make things happen, or will you remain at the drawing desk, with the blueprints of your fabulous life?

Vacations at the "La Española" Island

This reservation certainly wasn't like any other I've ever done at any other place. Booking.com should, perhaps, be a bit more clear about things... or should the hotels? Well, as you might guess, a non-really-geeky person like me, needs, NEEDS! her daily fix of internet connection in any shape of form available, so it is a mandatory requierment for any, ANY reservation I make, that the hotel has wi-fi or any other form of internet available, preferably one where I don't have to wait for some sweaty ass tourist (even though I'm a tourist myself), to detach their fat asses from in front of the communal internet, which usually has a large screen and everybody waiting can see what you are doing on-line. Not like I do any unseeming stuff (except when I scout yaoi mangas, which I have been doing quite often recently), but still. There's an option for that, which Booking already clicks for me "wi-fi", so when I did the reservation for the hotel, I was under the naive impression that I could come up to the room, log in and tweet to all my friends and followers that I'm nice and fine and made it to the hotel just dandy. You know, the regular stuff you do within 140 characters on Twitter.

It wasn't so. I do got informed of this after the reservation but before the trip, however I was told that wi-fi was freely available at the common areas. Oh well, we might manage, all I need is Internet and get online to breath my daily dose of Mb. However as we actually arrived to the hotel, what would you know, but you can't actually get any Internet if you don't pay for it! US$6 for 24 hours. Ok, ok, it's not so. Once you can link up on the bar for 10 minutes without paying. Dude, really, what the fuck can you do in 10 minutes on the net? Check on the news? Google something? My Kindle wouldn't even be able to download a sample from the lastest book samples I've requested! (Which do not take 60 seconds to download, btw...) So, really, 10 minutes? If you wonder what sort of cheap ass motel are we at, no, we are not. We actually have reservations at a big chain hotel, which is why this whole picking and pulling with the tourist is so offsetting for me. But I shall not complain, I've my internet, right? Already reported to Twitter and Facebook, like any dutiful little cybernaut, and now I'm merrily blogging my head away while my sweet boyfriend sleeps.

The city so far has been... interesting. It is certainly upsetting the amount of people outside the hotel harrassing you into shoe polishing (Dude, I'm wearing linen shoes! What do you want to polish on them! my boyfriend also had some unpolishable shoes...), and guided tours on horse pulled charriots... and when the "no thank you" isn't enough -  in Spanish, so that they see this is another Latin American fellow they are harrassing - comes the "I need to eat" line. Dude, me too! We don't have a DIME on their currency... or any currency other than Costa Rican colones, which we need, thank you very much. So, what do you want? They are rather unbeatable, and I honestly sulk that my boyfriend isn't a little darker in complexion and less... European looking. That was unpleasant. It was also quite unpleasant to notice the whole seashore littered. Dude, people come here for the beaches, so even if you can't swim in these particular shore, you should make sure there aren't banks of garbage floating on the water, and all sorts of stuff lying around the shore.

Historically speaking - and my history knowledge is very unreliable! - this was the Island to which Christopher Columbus arrived in his first trip, believing he had arrived to India. How far he was from the truth! The island was first called San Salvador (Saint Savior), because it appeared on the day the crew was going to dump him in the water and turn back. Later on it was called "La Española", meaning "The Spanish (woman)". The local natives, the "tahínos", were exterminated, leaving the island with no local people. The current population is also somewhat different from the Latin Americans you can see in other places, as in other countries the mixing of Spanish and Native blood is far more common, as well as mixes of white and black, black and native or all three of them, giving fabulous mixes of caramel skin or olive skin, high cheekbones, large eyes, small noses and abundant, straight, strong, pitch black hair. In here, missing the native component, most locals are rather a black and white mix, with milky caramel skin, curly hair and very prominent black features such as the magnificent cheekbones and expressive faces, and hairier limbs.

We haven't seen much yet, and honestly we have only one full day left - tomorrow - but so far, so interesting. Naturally, and as expected, I've got something pretty. ^_^ Once, in making a research on gems, I cam across a gem known as "larimar", which can be found only in Dominican Republic. Back then the research was tied to Pagan practices, and I taped a list of gems and their magical properties (many of which are often present in folklore, such as stones used for protection and things like that). For this particular stome I don't remember any of the properties, as what caught me was it's uniqueness: a gem that can only be found in one place and one place only in the whole planet: here. Abundant back in the day, though never used before as a gem, it was discovered as so recently  - in 1974 - by a man named Miguel Méndez, who started a local project to use it stone in artisan creations.

In colorings that remind of the sky or the ocean, the larimar (called so in the honor of the founder's daughter, Larisa, and the sea, "mar" in Spanish), is usually blue with white ribbons and splashes that give it often a "sky like" look. Like a sky with clouds. Once here, I also discovered that it can also contain brown (that's like the crust part of the stone), which can give it really interesting shapes and forms. Mine was actually the smallest ring in the store - interesting for my hand isn't so small, and judging by the finger I'm wearing it, this should be at least a 7, and most women I know wear ring sizes 5 and 6, many even 4 - but also one with brown, which not only gives me a wider range to combine the piece, but also rips it from the sky-like look and lends it an ocean floor look. I totally love it. :-D

Well, I should get going, wake up my snoring boyfriend, and though the lunch time is over, maybe do our first "service room" order and fetch some lunch. It is late, for lunch (though I've met people who take lunch well past 6 pm), it was so hot earlier we could hardly think of eating. Yes, that's yet another great thing about this island: I bet in here you drop pounds off your frame like nobody's business! If that's what you are interested in :-D

Oh, one last thing: at the Airport in Costa Rica, I discovered a magazine I've never seen before. It's "Latina", a magazine aimed at the Latin and Latin descendent women living at the States. Guess living in a Latin American country you kinda lose out of sight the issues connected with our etnicity. Then, did you know that the "white-latin" mixes are called "beige". I don't think I like that. That's like being called a "blah" color, when there's nothing "blah" about us. There were quite a few very interesting articles, though when it came to fashion, the proposals were so bold, so sparkly, so flashy and so revealing, I found myself reaching out for comfort into my Hungarian heritage mumbling: "I'm European, I'm European". I'm Latin, only not THAT Latin. I like skirts at knee lenght, clothes that do not try to choke my body and quite muted colors. Still, the finding was interesting.

Driving Lessons

I've a driving licence seven years already... or so. I finally have a car too, an adorable, tiny, beanie little thing I affectionately call "Little bean" or Sookie. So okay, what's the deal? The deal is that I haven't driven in such a freaking long time I'm all rusted. Not exactly my fault as basically non of the cars in the family were ever really made available for me to drive, so it had to pass seven year (or so) and some things (like me seriously making plans to move to Hungary for good, and never again see my close family on daily basis), to get things on the move and get my own car. Why didn't I buy one for myself, you ask? Well, so far, with the lifestyle I had, it didn't seem like the smartest thing to do. Up to a few years buying fab clothes and traveling as often as possible was far more important, and the maintenance costs of a car didn't really fit in my budget, so even if I could have bought myself a car, I didn't want to have all my goodies shackled down and limited because I had to pay for gas, parking, taxes, circulation rights, insurance and all accompanying annoyances.  Every once in a while I've got to drive some, take the car for a ride, do a certain distance when we were on the road towards the beach, and so I was confident of my habilities, but never got to steadily test them, hone them, work them. Then, lets be honest, up to a few years ago I used to go out drinking with my friends a lot - not enough to get drunk! but on occasion I did got warm and fuzzy - so how could I drive responsably in that state? Not a chance. I believe I did thought that driving was like biking: you can't just forget it, no matter what.

Now that I've focused on obtaining a particular goal, it happens that a car - and driving a car - is a rather important matter that means shifting around certain things. The Life on the Fab Line is basically over, like many other things in my life, that was also a phase that came and went - but certain things still stay, such as Benetton, Swatch and NafNaf. MNG has been outcasted inspite of giving me some of my favorite clothes - so now that the foccus came towards lowering and hatching the hefty loans I've accumulated (and doing awesome!), I did my math, spread my Excel sheets and determinated that at this point of my life a car could fit my budget. Also, the practice here with the car would certainly be a great help once I'm in Hungary. It also bothered me to have a licence, to have learned to drive and not do it, so it was about time to put my skills to use.

Well, as it happened, the first time I tried to drive Sookie I could hardly remember how to ingnite the car!!! Oh the horror!! I was thinking, "what the fuck? I've already parked my dad's other car!". The shock didn't end there as I realized I was having difficulties feeling the clutch. It was like being back to zero again. :-(

So there I was, with a lovely car, and no skills to use it. I had to repractice myself into driving. As expected, Dad was less than amenable towards practicing with me, and his step-by-step practices at starting the car were driving me up the wall. Sorry, I don't work on that system, I need to work on my own system. Dad even mentioned hiring again my old instructor, but I wasn't going to have that. That dude does drive me crazy worse than dad (he has all this slang words like "opening" and "closing" I never figured out. Why couldn't he say I'm too much on the left or the right?), and so it happened that the first day I was going to practice on myself I drove into the gate. Ooops. I've got panicky, so it wasn't until recently that I started practicing again, with one of the most devoted, wonderful instructors I've ever met: my boyfriend.

On this note Kari and I have been practicing, which is a real blessing. It's actually nice to have someone in your life that won't shun away from practicing, but egging you to do so. I'm - on the other hand - really hard for this, as it depends on the mood I am, and I don't like practicing for given amounts of time (that stresses me), but rather by distance. This is how today I drove twice as much as usual and the car didn't turn off even once! That's a usual problem I have with cars: getting the start out, but once I get it, I'm good to go. Now I feel more confident, though I know I still have a lot to practice, since starting the car or getting it moving on a hill is a pain in the ass for me, but I'll get there, you'll see. So watch it out, because soon I'll be on the road! (Only not doing stupid stunts like putting on make up and talking on the phone while driving...)

2010 is off, 2011 is coming!

Another year is slowly going by, and that means late parties, fireworks and more booze than what you would normally push down your throat - whatever that measure is for you. A new set of dues and debts - damned credit cards - and new purposes, not like the ones you've made the previous year actually got done. Here and there some people do manage to complete them, so swear they do, but honestly the only person in the planet I believe that from is Dragonfly. Damned, that girl keeps to the program like nobody I've ever seen.

Some people who hasn't taken the time to greet you all year, come and hug you and toast with you and swear up and down how you are their most beloved friends, how much they think of you, and to prove so they pull up all kinds of outdated facts about you. As you about your family, your significant other - whose name they seem to remember better than you do, and even add their profession or favorite hobbie - and ask you about your job - remember your boss' name or your department or company, while smiling wide and making big promises and making you return them about getting together more often because blah, blah, blah. You smile wide enough to shrink your eyes, rise your glass and think "why on the fucking Earth would I want to see you more often when suffering you on New Year's Eve is punishment enough?".

There's of course, the people you only see in these occasions and you can't even understand why on Earth you don't see them any often. Well, usually that's my case with my best friend Alix, whom I see usually only on New Year, and only when I'm in Costa Rica... which is nearly never. Lately, thanks Hyne, we started meeting more and more often, which is good. =D I totally love her and her family, and I celebrated with them Halloween this year and we carved together our first pumpkin. It was freaking awesome!

These year brought a few unpleasant things to my plate, like the hassle with the coat, the trobles with the trip, the ripping of the luggage, losing of things due to airport looting. It may have brought some other unpleasant things - yeah, like the freaking building we are working in now - but those fade in importance. This year has certainly brought me a lot of good. I managed to lower my debts (thought there might be a surge in the debts due to the incidents of this trip), still, it's far more undercontrol than it has been in a while. I traveled again, got to Hungary quite on schedule, saw my boyfriend and family, had an EXCELENT Christmas, saw my adorable, perfect Father-in-Law, who blew me off my feet by giving me a book of Cicero, which simply got me FLYING! I totally, totally love this man. Really, like obsessed.

Also got to Vienna, where I met with my dear and beloved friend, a penpal of mine whom I love, and went for a coffee, had a great chat with her, then went to a pub, an amazing Irish Pub, secretly tucked away in a corner of Vienna, and revealed a side of me she never thought it was there: I ordered lager, and downed the whole mug. Hell, it was so delicious!!!! She also introduced me to my new Precious Posession: erasable pens. I think by now I've cleared three stores. The cashier ladies always widen their eyes when I dump the pens before them. I guess they are trying to come up with a plausible explanation, and the only thing they can come up with is "some people is crazy". Well, those pens are the end of my scratched out letters, so yes, I'm clearing all inventories!

This year I also ditched my mother-in-law's - also known as The Hag - Christmas get-together. So, let me get you on the line with this. This is Christmas-in-three-acts.

Act Two: The Father-in-Law

As planned, we went over to his place for lunch the 25th. To say that he was adorable, perfect and beautiful would be a crass understatement. His cooking was wonderful, and he offered me even some sort of sweet liquer for starting. He smiled at me, talked to me, showed interest and even called my judgement in a small dispute with my boyfriend over a yellow umbrella, clearly expecting me to take his side. I did. =D. He gave me as present a book by Cicero, as I mentioned earlier "De Finibus Bonorum et Malorum". We left him before his other son and his family arrived. I was told it was so that I didn't have to suffer through their yearly Brady Bunch presentation. I was sorry I couldn't see the orphans, but my brother-in-law and his unfortunate-looking wife are not really the type you can suffer calmly, mainly due to their overwhelming fake attitude.

Act Three: The Mother-in-Law

As I declared ever since the middle of the year, I ditched the the appointment. My boyfriend was less-than-happy with this but I had sacrificed too many hours of my life for his sake at this mother's annoying get-togethers and I wasn't certainly going to sit through yet another utterly obnoxious lunch, peppered with all kinds of "niceties" pointed at me, specially since my alotted patience had been all used up, and I was going to Federer back every single ball launched on my general direction, and trust me, I have ammo, all the way from "just because I don't have people of my generation burried at Luxor or the Pyramides, it doesn't mean I don't know what should I see in Egypt" to "it's nice you consider my father a materialistic man who didn't taught his children well, when you have to underachieving sons, one of whom doesn't even know what he wants and is totally pussywhipped by you and his wife". The warrior in me really wanted to go and smack her with a few remarks like "well, I know you find pleasure only in food, as your life is so empty, but I don't need to stuff myself with the shit you cook to feel achieved", but the Wiser in me decided that it was better if I didn't let my temper flare, that nothing truly profitable would come of it, so we took the "Coward Way". I had an amazing time, having lunch with my family, and then having the appartment all for myself, taking care of all the things I just love to do.

Kari came back sullen, silent, visibly upset. He hid the presents he got, and I noticed there were none for me. Good. That meant that I didn't have to sneak out and walk a few miles looking for a trash can far away enough to dispose of the stuff... like I had to do with last year's shit.

He said nothing, but this morning I submitted him to questioning, and he opened up. The truth was revealed. Visibly upset, he told me how she and miy brother-in-law had read my blog (the Hungarian one, so they don't know the whole extent of it), and found out what I wrote about them (which is mild compared with what I think of them and what I've written in my journal). Upset they decided I hated her, and thus she doesn't want to see me or speak to me ever again. My moronic, brain dead brother-in-law (whose knowledge in economics reduces to say "I studied economics, got a diploma, therefore I am an economist") decided to side with his mother in is dislike of me (I'm totally thorn and have no idea how will I go on after such a sensible blow to my social life) specially after Christmas, where I failed to come to the get-together. Thus, since they think I hate her - this believe fortified by my ditching their lunch-thing - , they decided that none of them want to ever talk to me (which puts in a new light the whole thing about the Christmas at my father-in-law's), don't ever want to see me and therefore will never again invite me over. When telling me this, Kari was looking at me like "it's all your fault! You shouldn't have written those things nor express your hatred towards them".

Well, 1. I wouldn't have anything to write if they would have been nice to me, so they are responsible for what they read in it, 2. I didn't make them read it, and 3. I'll speak my mind whenever and wherever I want. I was born free and my hability to express myself and my feelings makes me who I am. If someone doesn't like it, they can fuck it.

However, as Kari told me, I had to make hard efforts to remain expressionless. A huge smile was tugging at my mouth. I was free! No more excuses, no more fears from Kari that the Hag would realize that I hate her guts. It's all out and I'm FREE!!!

Blogs are a blessing.

What's in Your Heart?

This is a Xmas with plenty of green, and no, I'm not in Costa Rica staring out of the window of my hut with a coconut in hand, listening to the ocean, as many people seem to believe. I'm in Hungary, wrapped in my boyfriend's robe, at night, in an apartment, surrounded by green fields. Weather these days seems to be somewhat bipolar, rather than the usual "maniac depressive" self, so proper of these changing, schedule oriented latitudes. Not that I mind, as this allows me to lose one layer of clothing, but still. A Christmas-in-three-acts has begun Today. Act one: Christmas with my family.

According to an impromptu plan communicated to us today in the morning, we had lunch at my aunt's place, where my brother and his family are currently lodged. The present-constriction due to the loss of the luggage (due to weather, KLM has blatantly decided to lose each and everyone of our 5 pieces of baggage - for which I was almost made pay $100 for 3 Kg in surplus on 2 suitcases, while the other 3 ever over 5 Kg under the maximal weight alotted, EACH), was somewhat felt, but everything did their best to shower with presents the children, who got an enormous amount of presents, and the two Costa Rican's  - 100% Costa Ricans -  with us.

Act two is to be done tomorrow, when we have lunch with my father-in-law, whom I love to madness. Act three will be the lunch-and-afternoon with The Hag, from which I've excused myself months ago, given the fact that I'm so freaking sick, like you can't believe. Thus my boyfriend will go to the lair of the Hag alone, while I have lunch with my family, and spend some quality me-time with me. :-D I'll be reporting about these if the happenings merit it.

In this Christmas time interesting sides of people surface. Some show out the Grinch side of them, openly hating Christmas, others pull out the Christmas Depression face, which often looks like something picked out of a Christmas story, others pull out the all-over-the-place-I-wish-Christmas-lasted-all-year kind of fever, or the gushy side, or the corny side, the uber-spender side, and other take out the "Gift Philosophy" side. Some get more religious, others suspitiously turn towards the "the best gifts are not the expensive ones" and so on. Now, I believe that the presents that matter  -for any occasion - are the presents that have a positive, unique, personal meaning and intention. Call it "presents from the heart" or "presents with love" or whatever, I'm talking about those presents that are not the ones you exactly needed, or the one's that you asked ofr, but those that tell you something about what the person giving them to you wants to say to you: the thing you share - a story, a hobby, a memory - or the way that person sees you. The money matter is a matter for the person giving the present, not for the one receiving it, so money doesn't come in consideration, however a lot of people don't think that way even if they say they do. 

It never fails to amaze me how this happens in Christmas.  Often people who say that "presents that matter cost nothing" basically are saying that they don't have enough money, so they are sending ahead the message that they will give "poor presents" and expect to be forgiven for it. So, exactly what do we see in a present? A tool or a needed produce we require - which by some social artifice we can't get ourselves and expect to be provided for by our friends and family? A way to measure love in regards of size, number and price of the gifts, or the rarity of them (again a matter of money)? A social obligation to exchange whatever thing impressing enough to be a present?

Perhaps we could think of presents as a way to communicate. In a present, this way isn't the matter to give someone what he or she needs - just as you don't say only the words others need to hear - but you say to him or her something in a language you share. Dragonfly, for instance, never fails to include something green in my presents. This way she says "I know you are crazy about green". It's not like she thinks I need more green in my life, but she knows it happens to be my favorite color. Skylar never fails to give me something related to writing and a book (at least one :-D), because she knows I've a never dying passion for reading and writing. My aunt always thinks about youthful, yet not trendy or too young things. She reminds me of our relationship, which is sweet, as we have the same name. My sister-in-law always gives me something related to clothing, in connection to our shared love for shopping, and my Mom always gives me things that have a sweet, soft nature. Soft fabrics, sweet colors, tender details. It's her way to say I'm still her little girl.

Kari basically asks me for guidelines, so I give him ideas, and he works around them. His message is "I'm listening to you, yet I will interpret you my way, and that way is always the most beautiful one I can think of". My friend Laura has this way to pick gifts that always go back to our days at the University. They have a youthful, bohemian, traveler quality you simply gara love. It's like being back in jeans and T-shirts before we used make-up and plucked our eyebrows. My friend Roo's presents are all about fun, party and guilty, guilty pleasures. Everything is "OMG, Roooo!!! Hahahahahahaha!". Carrie's presents are all about shared fangirling items. Those are the kind of things that send you shrieking like a groupie all around the place. Almost as if you had unwrapped the real Jesen Ackles with a bow and a smirk.

How much do they cost? I've no freaking idea. Some are handmade, some are bought, some might be expensive, some might be a bargain, but all of them are so freaking awesome! So, when people speak about the importance of the cost in gifts, I always wonder "the importance to whom?".

On Marriage, Couples and Happiness

I stayed up until "late" last night to watch a show in History Channel that caught my interest a few days ago. I'm not one to watch much TV other than the few shows I pick. Supernatural (obviously), White Collar (when they are showing it, which isn't now), News, a Colombian old telenovela (Betty, La Fea, because it reminds me of the days I worked at the Bank. Plus its really hilarious) and the NFL games. Since my cable company decided to take away from us awesome channels such as HGTV and Food Network, my TV-time has been quite reduced. (The cable company moved them to a much more expensive pack, and filled the basic pack with crap channels.) Either way, somehow I came across this show's add - Strange History -  for this episode "Til Death Do Us Part".

The show - well, have never before heard of it - steps somehow on the path of another show called Taboo (Tabú in the Hispanic version), where customs odd to the Western Culture are shown to us. From the add, as they pictures only one story, I thought it was going to be about these three people getting married together. The story immediatelly called to me, particularly because it reminded me of a storyline I had written a while now, and some real life paramether would have been great to support it. It also picked my curiosity that the happy threesome marrying were two guys and a girl, far from the social conception that a bigamic or poligamic relationship means more women than men. Go figure.

The show presented four cases: young wives burned to death in India in what could be called "dowry deaths", girls kidnapped in Kyrgyzstan against their will to be married in a display of manhood by their local men, a couple that met and fell in love through Second Life, and this threesome - or triad, as they call themselves - marriage.

The story of falling in love over the Internet is hardly strange anymore for the Western Culture, where kb's flow down our bloodsteam alongs with our bloodcells. Love at distance, however dreadful for any of us, isn't something so unheard or unexpected. Does it work? It depends. Love at distance isn't something everybody can handle, because each person has a different set of needs and a different way to grade the elements that compose or could be part of a relationship. I've been asked several times about how can I handle y long distance relationship like the one I've with Kari. Personally I don't see anything to handle on it. Is it successful? Yes, it is, specially because by having him a whole ocean away, my chances to pick a fight with him are significantly reduced. =) But just because my relationship is successful, does it mean it would be for anyone else? No, because not everybody is me or Kari.

As for falling in love through an Avatar online, well, people have the capability of falling in love over the strangest treats of others. You don't need to fall in love with the appearance or phisical presence of someone else. Often it's a parfume, a word, a smile, a flick, a joke, a car, a glance, an ass, a drawing, a picture, a bip what makes click. So is it possible? Yes, but then again, it may not work for everybody.

The cases of the women murdered in India because their dowry isn't enough for the family of the groom, or the case of the girls kidnapped from the streets in Kyrgyzstan to be wedded, where a girl escaping her captors disgraces herself and the family of the boy, remind me of things much similar in our Western cultures. Reading Moll Flanders, by Daniel Defoe, I find in Moll's constant seeking for a husband with money enough to support her, in the men around her who look for a woman with money enough for them to live, a feature still present in today's world: the people that marry for money or any other benefit.

Golddiggers as we call them, are not only a group of women, but also men, who dedicate their lives to seek the means to their livelyhood through being kept by others, a spouse most often. Personally I do not know many cases of men looking for women with money, but the amount of women seeking men for their wallet spring around like weed in an unkept garden. Coworkers of mine have often declared that love isn't a good reason to marry, that though they want to marry (or had already), a potential husband shall be graded by the money he spends on her, the kind of engagement ring he slips on her finger and the money he makes. Matters such as genetic base (okay, maybe that's important only to me), personality, afinity, temper, looks, charm, feelings are not to be considered. Many even make arrangements for a beneficial divorce much before the weding even happens. Sure, they usually don't murder their spouse in order to get the money and move to the next big fish, though many stop close from it.

Other selfish reasons also prompt people to marry. Marry because they want to enjoy the political power of their partner, marry so they don't have to be alone, marry to be considered successfull by their peers, marry because that's the next step of life towards living a fulfilling, evolved existence - followed then by children because that's what mature people do -, but there's also the case of those who marry in order to steal the partner from someone else, or those who do it out of spite, to prove to an ex that they are much wanted. It is marriage for reasons far away from the alleged one reason you are supposed to marry for in the Western culture. So, what's worse: marry for money openly for it, or marrying for money but pretending it's for love?

The horrors of marriage are not proper only to Eastern culture, since the kidnapping of unwilling girls by men and their families can be compared with the blackmailing of women who get pregnant to catch a man, or at least force him to keep them. The cases of marriage by coersion, the marriages into which many women rush into in order to escape from brutal family lives and also quite common, or the cases of marriages for visas and permits. These all, whether we choose to look at them or not, clearly prove that marriage is a long since expired institution, a remnant, a romantic carcass that never fulfilled its purpose. Marriage becomes a legal security, a benefit package, a lock that shackles down two people in a long term contract, often subscribed under false pretenses with no clause that allows you to dissolve the contract and restore the previous state if the promese of that pretense turns out to be false, or wanes away.

If you really love the person you are with, what need do you have of a clerical and a legal insurance? None, because in the end marriage seems to be made for all the other reasons the pretense covers for. So, does marriage makes you happy? Only if you think that prison gives home to the poor.

However the one story that got to me was that of the triple marriage, not that I would understand why would they felt the need to be wedded, even if the wedding couldn't be socially recognized. The threesome, composed as I said earlier, by two guys and a chick. had this full circle form, where everybody slept with everybody. Interesting indeed, but far more the words of the lady of the group. She talked about how she never expected to live in a monogamous relationship, how she has always given freedom to her partners in hopes to get the same freedom back. Here I felt identified.

I'm not a monogamous kind of person, and honestly I'm not a relationship kind of person. By listening to her, once again I was put to think about my current situation and how pleased or happy I am in it. I thought whether this is what I want, and the only honest answer I can come up with is "No". No, I don't want to be in a relationship, I never want to marry and I never, ever want to have kids. I do not wish to partake in any social couple ceremony, nor I want to be a component of a couple. I don't want monogamy, I do not wish for the lie called "loyalty" or "cheating". I honestly expect freedom, expression, sincerity, opennes, and all the elements proper of a relationship do nothing - in my eyes and in my heart -  but to cut them. If people were birds, social relationships expect you to lock yourself with your mate in a cage. Do you and realize how even if the cage gives you some security, you'll dream of freedom. In my head, as birds, I rather fly. I'd be happy meeting my mate in flight, sharing a nest, but letting him fly solo and I'd expect to fly solo too.

Now, don't get me wrong here, and here's the core of my message: I love Kari and I love being with him. I loath the relationship, and the ties of it. I hate being tied down by it, but Kari I love. Is love sacrifice? Not for me. Love is freedom, love is new scapes and new adventures. Love is new experiences, all of which the tie of relationships can trample. I'd love to be with Kari in a limbo of relationship where we are all and nothing, friend and lovers but with no lables, with no rules and no pre-fab estipulations other than those that grow from the very dynamics of what goes on between us. It stays together as long as it should, and it falls appart when the time for it comes. No commitment, no deception, no pains and angers, just two eagles circling the sky.

A relationship doesn't produce love, nor is a relationship the sign of love, love grows from people with no rules and no expectations, it just does. Rules and expectations only asphixiate it.