I'm going to rant for a little while, I hope you don't mind. Truth to be told, right at this moment that's all I feel like doing, so perhaps I should try and blog tomorrow at a different moment of the day - in the morning perhaps, after jogging, when I get more positive thoughts. So, since this is a moment to unload my heart from what's pissing me off, I'll do my best to keep it very short.
The thing is that things didn't come out as I expected them. The plan didn't backfire, but it proved to be a harder nut to chew, and I had to make a choice: either I give up absolutely everything for the uncertain, and jump head first into dark waters without a safety net, and believe me, I've been lookimg for the safety net and found none; or I can jump back into the safety and rethink things over, regarding the lessons learned. You know me, risk and I don't get along well, so I naturally choose to go back to safety. This was a potential outcome I was clear with when I embarked in this path, and as things started unfolding, I realized that there were more and more chances for this to happen, so I talked to those who might be involved in the effects of this decision. Family knew, coworkers knew, boss knew, boyfriend knew. Now, after a conversation on Monday, (yesterday) I realized that this alternative was the one staying afloat, that insisting, drilling where there's no oil is not only futile, but too risky for me to follow.
Many hopes and dreams now crumble down, but I still believe that this all has a higher, better, more beautiful purpose, even if I don't see it now: there's a reason for all this. It does bother me, however, how thought this was drawn up quite clearly, I suddenly don't find the support I hoped to find, but instead all sorts of illusory hopes are brought up and solutions detached from reality surface. Long lines of "you should have done this or that", and "you shouldn't act so rash, because maybe something may still come your way". Everybody is really smart when they are giving opinions about what's not their business nor their life. Everybody seems so fit to live other people's lives and take risks for them.
So I'd like to make this one thing clear: the world (as in the WHOLE WORLD) is in CRISIS, unemployment is rising and chances are slim. Yes, there's job, you can find a job, but it will take you a while. HOWEVER, no, I am NOT unemployed, so why in the fucking hell will I resign to get unemployed and spend quite a long time looking for a job? No, I'm not resigning to my dream, I'm RE-THINKING it. Have you heard about RE-THINKING? It's not just "thinking it again", but it entails "THINKING", something a lot to people proves to be unable to do nowadays.
I don't do happy-go-lucky, and give up a sure thing to go chasing faeries and hope that mana will fall from the skies when I have to eat or pay my bills. No, I don't go by asking others for money to pay for my expenses, or leaning on others to provide for me. And no, as far as I know, I don't get endless supplies of money to cover for my expenses or those of someone who really finds it absolutely okay to go asking other people for money while spending their own in "charity", or giving it away, because they think that being poor is chic and pious.
You don't agree with my decision, fine. You don't like it, okay, you are entitled to your own opinion, but what you are not entitled to is to pile your shit on me, so I solve it, and jump at every one of your stupid thoughts and ideas while holding up on starting the needed steps to return to my starting point and redo my life from a safe, secure point, so I can rethink the entire thing all over again.
I've been thinking about this plenty, and so I've a blueprint of what will I do now. I really don't appreciate for you to come and stick in your own plans because you need this or that, you won't give up on anything, you demand everything and you really think I win the lottery every week, or that I get elected President so I can afford the amount of money your plans and needs require. Oh, so you get all high and mighty and you'll cover "some of those" expenses? Okay, if you cover for those, you can have those, but don't expect me to put everything on the dice for a whim, nor expect me to cut back on my plans. That's not how I do things.
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