Against Marriage

Today I had the chance to talk with my preacher about "The Shack". We started somewhat on the book, but quickly detoured to other topics, many of which turned out to be not much of the liking of him, such as the wandering into other religions. Somehow the coversation touched the topic of marriage, where I told him I'm against marriage, that I don't see any of the virtues people see it in, and where others see commitment and security I see bounding and insecurity. He recognized to be conservative in this matter, seeing as a sign of love in the act of marriage, that you are willing to commit to one person and freely give them the rest of your life.

Why must the sacrifice of one of our most valued and beautiful virtues be a sign of love? Nobody thinks about cutting their face off for love, or maming any of their senses an act of love, but promising what can't be promised and giving up our freedom, seems to be a most wanted and accepted sign of love. Why? Not only it is irreasonable from the side of the one giving up these for love, but also from the one receiving them. Why do you want the person you love so much to mame themselves and make a promise that they may not be able to keep up or aske them to promise something now that can lock them forever into a bond that would bring them sorrow? Not that it absolutely would, but we can't deny the chances of it happening. People changing their minds, people wishing back their old lives... then realizing that there are things in life that no matter how old they get, they will regret more of having done than what they would have regreted if they wouldn't have.

A couple can think today that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they may love each other intensely, but these things can change and probably will. Love and all feelings are organic, and as such, they grow and change. It doesn't matter if they are well nurished, nurtured to be strong or not, neglected or cared for, they will always change. Granted, they change differently, but they change nonetheless. As wide-eyed love, morphs into the next stage, and the pink colored haze that has coulded our eyes lifts up, we start seeing things closer to what they are in real life. Slowly the object of our affection returns to be a person, John or Jane, with qualities in both sides of the scale: good and bad. But this person will also continue growing, and their qualities, also organic, will continue changing - though that doesn't mean that they would change in the direction we want them to! - and the person will continue growing.

No matter how much you love someone, you can't actually influence the nature of the other one, and often accepting it isn't enough for you to ensure a long life relationship - after all you also have yourself and your own qualities to consider.

Love bonds that grow through sacrifice and giving up, often become a poisoned relationship where both parties end up with huge emotional debts. This is where aggravations start piling up: want it or not, you start keeping count of all each of you has given up, and rating the "values" of the sacrifices each has done either for the other or for the relationship. The chances given up, the opportunities given up, the dreams given up, the ambitions given up, the "me time" given up, the friends given up, the family and traditions given up... The freedom given up.

No matter the relationship you are in, don't give up, don't sacrifice. Make choices, yes, choices you are comfortable and ok living with, but don't give anything you expect to be returned. Don't ask for love or devotion, loyalty or understanding. Give them if you want to give them, and if you want them in return, but don't get them, do not ask for them: move on. If you love the other person, love them as they are. If you have to ask them for certain things or attitudes to make you happy, then maybe that's not the person for you. (Note: this doesn't apply to chores. Doing chores isn't a matter of attitude, is a matter of education. Nobody is genetically or personality-wise predisposed to ditch chores. That's simply poor home education. However, remember that you are not the parent of your partner, it is not your place to educate them. You can ask them, you can wok it out, but if it doesn't work and you can't handle their neglecting... move out, break up or don't move in with them.)

People can live together without getting married. It's called "living together". Emotionally, it can be a relationship just as serious as a marriage, and currently the laws in many countries give the partners similar rights to those of married people. However, there's one thing I like a lot about these relationships: any of the partners can choose to leave the relationship at any moment they want (ideally). This way, being that breaking up is much easier, each morning that they wake up and decide to still stay together, it's yet another day they freely choose to stay together, to love each other, be a couple.

Yes, there are hard relationships, where even while living together, but not married, one of the partners exercise an abusive power upon the other keeping it from leaving even if they'd like to. Threatening to kill them or their children, take away their children, take away their posessions, or simply by letting them know that they won't have any money to support themselves if the relationship breaks up. These relationships are sick, whether married or not. But here I'm not speaking about these. I'm speaking about a working, healthy relationship.

Living together build upon the power of the real feelings of people, respecting them as they evolve, keeping their freedom whole, untouched, unchanged. There are no commitments you don't know if you'll have it in you to fulfill, or even want to fulfill in the long term. It's rather a sign of affection that renews itself every morning, every moment of the day, that you two decide to stay together.

Really, what's to marriage aside from the extra legal bonuses?