Another week went missing from my postings, so I'll do my best to make do this week. Though technically I did write because I wrote a contribution to the blog of a friend of mine. In Spanish though.
Just to update you on the matters of my life, my broken heart has been pretty much mended. He and I got together again and things changed the tone. I'm not sure where this thing will go, or if it will all go up in smoke again, never to meet again. I am at peace, though. Oddly, calmly at peace. Perhaps I have cried my heart out already and there is nothing more to cry. We talked and he did tell me that we shouldn't meet ever again, but then his signs were mixed. I did tell him in all honesty, that I will wait for him. I feel this sort of... red thread... bonding us. I still feel that we are the storm and the beacon. I also told him I could feel how I was descending to my coffin, the lid was closing on me as I closed my eyes, crossed my hands over my chest and set to peacefully wait.
I imagine that the particular image I conjured was disturbing because he rebelled against it, but I found that feeling, of closing myself in the peaceful solitude of a coffin rather comforting.
The sea is storming, flapping and retrieving further and further into the center of open waters. The beacon tands tall, wet and cold, waiting impassively, as it is called to do.
These days also mark the begining of the Feasts of Saturnalia, and from them I want to highlight this year the Reversal of Rules. Admitedly, I am not very versed in the Cultus Deorum, nor the Roman Traditions - I am an eclectic witch after all, and I follow my own heart.
According to what little I have read, this was a time of liberation, of shaking off the strict rules of society and chase happiness often also with silly jokes and indulging into role reversals. Masters serving slaves, women and men dressing in each others' raiment and so on.
For my own practice, I have lifted up the sense of liberation, of safely testing the crossing of boundaries and being a bit daring, something I find hard to do given my natural propensity to avoid risk. Within the light of Saturnalia, I can find a space to meditate on many things about my life and whether they could have been different, and what could they have been like. Yes, he also comes into play in my thoughts, as the counter part of my One, the other side of the coin that is my heart. In this freedom and reversal of the rules that guide my inner life, I review different paths and dare to think of the what-abouts that I consciously know will not work and are headed to nowhere. I give myself the space to mentally follow a path that might have a different outcome, one were friendship can survive, even if I know that the chance of that greatly diminishes if we keep seeing each other.
The times are mixed now, the god that has succumbed and gone under during Samhain is rising to life again, from Saturnalia to Yule, parting the womb of the Mother to step forward and claim the wilderness. And as the earthy womb is revolved, broken and softened for new life to come forward, so we step forward into the new year, the new decade and walk the path. Back we leave the warm, nurturing womb, the safe and cozy tomb, some of us naked, vulnerable and cold, others springing forward like Athena, in full armor, but all of us scared of what lies ahead.
But Saturnalia is for cheer, to make light of our worries and seek merriment. So enjoy, dance, drink and celebrate. Gather cheer and strenght for what is to come.
Such a roller coaster of emotions in short two weeks. I feel now like I'll never take off again this bracelet, this one charm that represents him. I've been sad and crying and reliving time and again snipets of our last three meetings, but I'm still not strong enough to write them down in my journal, where the details of it all would be penned in with the blood of my spirit mingled into the ink flowing down the feeder and the nib of my pen.
The whole thing puzzles me greatly for I was already preparing to this. I knew the end was close, this cycle of our on-and-off acquaintance was reaching an end and a new era of long calm and emotional slumber was approaching. We can never stay together for too long, as if our emotions - whatever shape they take - could burn so hard they would easily engulf the world in flames. At least this time, the predominant sentiment was one of love, and not like in the past, where it was the blinding hate in my heart what had thrown the yellowish light upon our road.
We sink into the darkness and coolness of a world without each other. We have both done that in the past, with more or less success. I have a hard time letting go, and I can feel my bony, frozen fingers cracking, opening and trying to clutch into his strong wrist, for one last word. But my cold corpse is sinking deeper and deeper in to the underworld where I belong, where I am ruler, undefeated and unchallenged. I have to let him go, I can't drag him down here, where I flourish and he withers, as much as I could not survive in his world.
Our last meeting was the longest and the most beautiful of them all. We talked long, shared our hearts, heard each other and held each other. Hugs flew freely each time they were needed, and smiles were free as well, marvelling in the miracle of having found each other. We talked economics and fell asleep like children, one next to the other, on a narrow bed, reading "The Return of Depression Economics" by Paul Krugman.
"Who else can I do this with?", he asked me, mirroring so perfectly what I myself was feeling.
No one else. That was the sad answer, wrapped in each other's arms, my head against his strong shoulder, in the dark, on the very night we knew we had finally ran out of time, and come the day, we will have to say good-bye.
We slept, but we didn't sleep together. Still in the morning we teased each other with that. "Hey, I can finally say we slept together". I laughed. "Watch out about that, child. You've slept with a witch".
Long hours rolled in bed, dreading getting up because they I would have to go home. Yet we've found the way to stretch those hours, steal one more, and one more until it was evident I had to pack up and leave. I had showed him my bow and my arrows, and had stringed it for him to see, to hold, to feel its power as its string is drawn against the nose and under the chin. We picked up dinner in my car, and he loved driving it. I told him their name and he not only accepted it, but gave it a petname of his own: "Nat".
He taught me to drink whiskey that night, and though I was still good enough to drive, he insisted I should stay. I didn't put much resistence either. I did want as many memories of us as I could collect.
We had lunch next day, driving his car, speeding some so that the rumble of the engine would crawl up my legs, and break on the reef of my upper lip. His car is a thing of beauty.
Those 22 hours were an intense experience, and he himself said a lifetime of closeness and friendship were crammed into them. A whole life was lived in them.
With love high in our hearts, we said good-bye, we let go. We walked away. And I've been crying since then.
A couple of days have passed that are proven to be emotionally straining. I'm trying to come up with a better word, but honestly, I can't. Ever since November 17th, when a chance meeting with an old friend, I had been feeling emotionally restless. We talked for much longer time than usual, and they unloaded quite a heavy burden that changed the way I saw many things about them. I also opened up a lot about them, and was rather brutally honest about some things that had perspired in the past. Those things weren't pretty things, but rather unveiled a dark side of my heart. To this day I have no certainty about how they took in that information.
There have also been issues at home, where my brother is going through some family issues and we are doing what family does in times like this: gather up tighter and hold up the one that needs most support. There have been other straining issues that might have grinded on my nerves due to the second hand pain I've been exposed to, and then comes the meeting and getting closer to people who might be romantically interested in me. Or are and I just don't want to acknowledge it for what it is.
Property of Stormberry
The truth is, I think I don't like the idea of me in a romantic relationship. I do have been in them, and I do have loved my partners, but I think those times are well past before me, and though I might be attracted to the people I'm going out with and seeing, I'd rather have the friendship and forgo the romance. Or could it be that I'm not that much into either of them? Or is it that maybe my friend's issues are taking an undue amount of my thoughts and that's keeping me from finding my balance and concentrating on what's really important - this being me feeling good?
I've been pondering in this a lot.
Normally, I have always cautioned my friends from getting too wrapped up in other people's issues, and look at me, getting all wrapped up in the personal problems of my friend. Not like I can solve them, nor like it would be my place. So why I am being sucked into their clusterfuck? Well, because I have the feeling that the time left on our friendship is quickly coming to its end.
I don't know precisely how to explain this, but this has been the dynamic of our life encounters since forever, and so I have now the feeling that soon we are to part ways and a couple of decades will pass before we see each other again, if ever. Not like we share much, but we have shared some deep stuff, and so they feel like a sort of comrade or a fellow soldier in the battlefield of life. I have made some notes about them and as I was recording some events, I came to the realization that, people come and go, but the memories that we keep from them often times remain with us much, much longer. Like feathers of a bird, they are a small part of the whole bird, but they remain with those who have collected them long after the bird has past.
We are to part soon, and I wonder if this is also the reason why I seem to be trying to collect their feathers by handfulls, as if I could stuff a pillow with them, to rest my head on them at night.
Mercury Retrograde is finally over, and I can't be happier. I won't blame the astrological phenomenon on the lagging of my posting (though I could), but let's just say that I am really happy it's over... for now. Yes, I have witchy plans to put in motion that are better done under clear skies and direct planetary influences. Ah, I do live being Pagan and a Witch, even when it has these pecularities. Then again, these all make life all the more fun to live.
Last week was also a bit of a tough week for me, because I had a lot of things lined up. Thesis pre-defense, my nephews and niece staying over for the weekend, my Mom's birthday, and then I lovely, surprise meet up with a dear friend, that left me emotionally charged. Last week I didn't go to yoga (I stared a few weeks ago), and I was also carrying around negative emotions about that.
Yoga: Yes, about that, quickly, what happened was that I was so happy with a new alignment yoga class that was taught on Tuesdays at 18.00 hours. Management decided to move it to 19.00 hours. For me, who don't live in the same city where the classes are taught, this meant getting home at the same hour I used to get home when I was taking German lessons. We all know how that ended, so that was not an option for me. I could go another day to another class, but the other classes were not of alignment, and I wanted alignment. So yes, I was a little bitter, mumbling troll under a bridge, upset by the change.
Anyway, back on track, I was already strained, but coping (or so I say), when I met with this dear friend of mine, who is going through a bit of a rough patch. And no, his yoga class wasn't moved an hour later, but he was having Mercury Retrograde lean in elbow first in his life, with all the other gods, goddesses and planets piling on like it's a rugby scrum. I was really, really happy to see him and spend time with him, though I am afraid I wasn't as useful as I could have been, have I had all my marbles in place.
As he unburdened his chest, I tried to convey often that he can deal with it all, he's strong enough, he has the resources he needs, he's smart enough, and that he can always draw strenght from the love of all those who surround him. Me among them. I did try to make this clear over and over, beacuse I'm afraid that Mercury Retrograde (I'm so not taking the blame for this, even if it is my fault) messes with my already strained emotions, and I ended up telling him things I probably shouldn't have. Like how deeply I used to dislike him when we were in college.
I did talked to him like it was the last time I'll see him ever, and so I opened up my ribcage and unloaded everything I felt he might need through the rest of his life. The exercise was so intense, that it left a mark on me, a print, and so I spent a couple of days after thinking about him and the message I transmitted. In the end, it all came concentrated in one word: Love.
Love
Many people guard the speaking out of this word quite jealously, and often fear or feel that it can be cheapened if used too much. Many also link this word, and the sentence "I love You", to a romantic declaration that must lead to marriage and forming a family. Fairly tales and stories in books and movies and series, also often sell us this idea of the "One", or the "True Love", and how there is only one real love and how lovely it is when someone has never known love and then finally finds love and feels it for the first time. Doesn't ring a bell? Well, how about the corny expression "I never felt this way before"?
In my opinion, these ideas put in people's heads a dangerous concept, which my itself degenerates the feeling and the word. If there is one love, and you fall in love with someone but then fall out of love, or that emotion ceases, you could end up feeling guilty and unworthy because a) you lost this important thing and there was only one of it, or b) you are so silly you couldn't see it wasn't the true one.
You see, love is like a muscle, and it's also multiple. There isn't one love or one true love, but many, many types of love. Also, love is quite tailored, and it's nearly impossible to love two people with the same kind of love. This doesn't mean that one is bigger or better than the other, but that each molds perfectly to the person you are loving. You love your mom one way and your dad another. You love each of your siblings and each of your friends in a different way. You also love each of your lovers and exes in a different way. And that's alright.
Maybe we should start saying it aloud more often, tell our friends that we love them, tell or family that we love them, and not me frugal or scared of the words. Use them! So far, there is no charge and no tax on expressing emotions or showing love. Hug, kiss, hold a hand, smile, say "I love you" and keep smiling.
Saying it more often strenghtens both the emotion and the ease to express it, and also to express other emotions. Strenghtens your contact with your own self, your feelings and your thoughts, and also strenghtens your bond with others.
Choose to say it when you feel it, not when you are expected to, and strenghten your honesty, both towards yourself and towards others.
Saying "I love you" often doesn't cheapen the emotion, saying it without feeling it, or to get something, does.
May I ask you a question? How many e-mails are currently in your inbox? How many across all your inboxes? Yeah, let's be honest, we are long past the time when people only had one e-mail. I mean, that's so 90's, right?
Of all the e-mails in your inboxes, how many are unread?
How you relate to your inbox and the e-mails in it (them) differs from one person to the next, so offering a one-size-fits-all formula is not a solution. Believe it or nor, for some people having an inbox bursting with unread e-mails is reassuring. For some people that little number (ok, in their case it's a HUGE number) in the red bubble is a source of satisfaction, much like a like counter in a social network. It can mean that they receive attention, that their time is wanted by an x amount of sources (people?), and that makes them feel good.
For others, the sole presence of a red bubble is a source of stress, because each number means a task, a request that needs to be checked, sorted and dealt with. Even the read e-mails in your inbox can be a source of stress, if you are like me and keep e-mails in the inbox until you have replied to them. Now, if you are like me and e-mails in your inbox irk you, then here are a few tips that have helped me through the years to deal with them. It doesn't mean that my inboxes are always on 0, nor that I never get flooded - though admitedly, I never let e-mails go past the 50 mark, and that only happens when I haven't been checking for a good while. So, what can we do to tame the e-beast?
Tame the e-Beast
First of all, you need a filing system. This is best created with folders, even better if you can put folders inside folders. How do you do that? This is how I go about it:
1. In a piece of paper, write the most important areas for which you receive info in that given inbox. This is to give you an idea of the structure. For instance:
Work e-mail example:
General Memos (from the CEO)
Human Resources
Main Job Tasks
Secondary Job Tasks
Important Job-Related Information
Miscelaneous
This can give you an idea of how to start sorting the e-mails. No, it might not end up working this well, but it's a start.
2. Start at some point in your inbox, either by the first e-mail at the top of the pile, or the one at the very bottom. If there are many (more than 50), you may like to start at the top. Check the e-mail, and make the first decision:
Is it important? If so, keep it. If not, delate it.
If you decided the e-mail is important, create a folder for it. You can leave it in the inbox if you still have to work with it, or you can file it away if you have dealt with it (downloaded the attached info, wrote the appointment in your calendar, moved the task to your to-do list, etc.). Some e-mail servers, like gmail, allow you to create a tab for each folder you create.
3. One by one, keep checking each e-mail and locating the folder you will eventually file it in. With the main structure of the first point, you can start creating sub-folders that help you organize better your e-mail.
Work e-mail example:
General Memos (from the CEO)
Finance
Environmental Efforts
Voluntary Opportunities
Human Resources
Pay checks
Vacations
Sick days
Main Job Tasks
Literature
Literature 101
Class Program
Class Material
Homework
Tests
Grades
Medieval Literature
Class Program
Class Material
Homework
Tests
Grades
Research
Schedules
Sources
Advances
Secondary Job Tasks
Teacher Meetings
Important Job-Related Information
Miscelaneous
See what I mean? Yes, it can grow chaotic, if you let it, but as long as you understand the logic and it works for you, it's all good.
4. Take your time. It can be cumbersome, and you might be flooded with e-mails from everywhere, but eventually you'll get there. Use slow moments of the day to go through the received e-mails and go on filing them. There's no hurry, and as long as you keep a constant effort, all is going to be well, and you'll get that coveted sense of control.
There's no need to erase all e-mails, as must of the current servers allow you to store them all, and by filing them you make sure you'll be able to find the ones you need easier.
Organizing your e-mails isn't the answer to all your prayers, and even these tips can go haywire for some, BUT it's a place to start, if yo feel like you would like to know where your info is, and not get greated each time you open your inbox with an avalanche of e-mails that mix important info with spam, work with personal stuff and so on.
I was talking to a friend of mine during the Sabbath of Samhain of our experiences and how do we relate to our them. This particular sabbath - as it fell on Mercury Retrograde, thus making it ideal for introspection - gave us the perfect frame for taking the time to analyze what dwells in our hearts.
One of the topics that caught my interest in that moment is that of the expectations we have of ourselves, and how we feel when we act, react or behave in a way that goes against those expectations or fail to fulfill them. My friend was telling me how this fail at fulfilling their expectations with themselves make them feel guilty or particularly frustrated, even angry, and working out of these vicious cycles is hard.
As my friend was talking about healing and forgiving oneself to move over, I kept thinking about the unique chance to be able to pin down the emotion, the feelings, the thoughts that roam around one's head when one is consumed by them, and try to get to the root of them. If you feel guilty or frustrated, why is that? And why is so important to fulfill that expectation? And how that expectation came to you in the first place? Why do you believe you must be this or that?
Oftentimes people choose to take a pattern or an idea for themselves that has been made by others. Like putting on a dress, they take something external and try to convince themselves that this manufactured thing is who they aree, or who they should be. My question would be: why are you looking for your self outside of yourself? Same with these quests for themselves, all of which happen around and outside themselves and seek to reflect the desired aspects into themselves, instead of looking in.
I kept on wondering about these matters and came to the idea (conspiracy?), that often some of these expectations are imposed, and our failures to fulfill them are designed to give outlet to accumulated frustration from other sources. What do I mean? What if we are bombarded with ideas like the expectation that we have to be successful in a way that is socially trendy, and so when we fail (because not everybody can be famous, not everybody can be rich, and you can't force people to like you on social media), you will be consumed with that, you will blame yourself, and at the same time you will ignore the fact that corrupt Government agents are diverting the money of your taxes for their personal gain.
Of course, probably this is not how it works, though neuromarketing and manipulation are tools that have been in the arsenal of many politics and social leaders for ages and ages, but it did got me thinking about it.
However, back to you, have you tried that? I suggest you to give it a try, though you need to work fast. For some reason, anger towards oneself and depression tend to disappear the moment you are trying to understand it. :-)
I mean the sickness, just in case that wasn't clear. I tend to say always that I've the flu, like flu and cold are interchangeable terms, but as I was looking for a picture for this post, I found this useful fact sheet from the Public Health Agency of Canada, and thought about sharing it. Click on the link in the description and you can read the whole information.
I've been thinking about some topics for a post, and I even have an idea recorded on my phone - you know, one of those great ideas that come to you when you can't really stop to write stuff down, like when you are driving or in a yoga class - but then the cold striked and I don't feel like doing anything save curl up under the covers with a book, a hot beverage and my PJs.
I'm even skipping my Lesenklub meeting today, because - though I love going and I have a lot of things to say about the part we've just read - I know it's better for me to pack up my carcass, go home and make sure I remain well protected while the worse of the sickness passes.
Now, the thing is that some of my friends and colleagues have also been coming down with the cold, and each fights it their own way. Ok, some just relay on hopes and wishes because they carry on, spreading the disease like gospel. I'll share here with you my proven recipe to get the worse over as fast as possible.
Tips To Fight Cold
1. Get in bed and stay in bed, covered up to your chin for 24 hours, if possible, or as long as you can, but please make it several hours. I figured that this keeps your body warm, and helps your organism fight better the sickness. (Or so I've been told, and it seems to work).
2. Drink a lot of orange juice. Also try to consume vitamin C from as many natural sources as you can. If all fails, a Vitamin C tablet or one of those effervescent vitamin C tablets also help, BUT make sure to read the instructions.
3. If you take medication, TAKE IT ACCORDING TO THE INSTRUCTIONS. If it says "every eight hours", then take it every eight hours. Don't try to be "smart" about it.
4. Drink plenty of water, lemonade and the such. Your body needs the liquid to flush out, and again, if it comes with vitaming C, even better.
5. Drink hot beverages. Specially herbal tea if you can lay your hands on some.
6. If you can, have a spoonful of ginger syrup three times a day, or at least once a day. Ginger syrup is sharp, so it can be counterindicated for people with pancreas or liver issues.
If you don't know where to get ginger syrup (usually in Whole Foods or macrobiotic stores), or you don't trust industrially produced syrups, or there is none, or it's so expensive you would rather wait the cold out, here is an easy recipe for it.
Ginger Syrup
Picture from Mommypothamus. Check out their recipe too!
Ingredients:
a bit of fresh ginger root
honey
Procedure:
Slice the ginger root into small circles, or really, any shape you want. Circles are better because it you don't use the whole piece you can save the rest and keep it from drying out too much. Slice enough to cover up the bottom of a recipient.
Normally I do this on a medium pie pan to fit more, but you can do it in a jar and do a layer or two of slices.
Once the layer of ginger has been layed down, pour honey on it to cover it. If you make a single layer, covering it up with just until all the slices are under honey or maximum 1 cm more, is enough. If you have more layers try and make double de amount with honey.
Leave it covered the whole night.
In the morning you can take out the slices and take a spoonful of the syrup.
BE WARNED! The syrup will be much more liquid than the honey is and freaking spicy. If you choose to leave the slices of ginger in the honey, make sure to pour more honey as you take out of it. And before you ask me, yes, it is ok to add more honey if the syrup is so strong it threatens to exorcise your soul out of your body.
I know I've already written about this topic, but really, I have to get this out of my chest, so here we go.
It's impossible not to notice how often scammers, corrupts and thiefts are described as "intelligent" or even "very intelligent". Maybe I'm too analytical (no, there is not such thing), but each time I hear a scammer or a corrupt person described in those terms, I try to understand what is it that they call "brilliant" or "intelligent" about their actions. And time and time again, I come to realize that there is nothing in their actions that would reveal any sort of intelligence. That doesn't mean that they are stupid people, but their crime - for which they are called "intelligent" has no trace of intelligence in its conceiving or implementing. What I do have found in the cases I have been able to analize - and as far as news clips and other bits of information I have been able to obtain in certain cases - show that the key for their criminal enterprise resides in their willingness to go against moral and ethical standards. In other words, in order to commit a crime, they have to have a loose moral code that allows them to take advantage of the social courtesies that bind us all in a cordial, peaceful society.
Just notice how the "intelligent" criminals are usually people of a higher standing in life, and their crimes usually occur on these higher spheres. Many of them are also considered to be "successful" people. There migt be also a level of "money protects money" kind of thing going on, but the point I want to focus here is how the people who choose to commit crimes of corruption or scamming, usually put themselves in higher positions, commaning the trust of others, and then their deference.
These steps are important: first they earn trust and then proceed with their crime.
People tend to approach others with trust. Trust is granted, invested and so losing it is not an easy matter. Taking advantage of this, the so called "intelligent" criminals start abusing of the trust deposited in themselves, and then abusing the system, bending and breaking the laws, holding in the shrads of remaining trust, and then the cordiality and the manners imposed on their victims, who expect the criminal to start behaving properly and some point.
There are no laws that demand you to be truthful (unless you are testifying before court), nor to behave in a morally impeccable manner. Laws actually don't condemn you for conducting yourself in an unethical way, or for taking advantage of the trust deposited in you. So much of the law is up to interpretation, that if you make sure to put your people in the right places, you can even ensure that either cases against you will be halted or interpreted to your benefit. However, the main point is that these criminals are willing not to be ethical, and so the considerations that would stop others do not stop them. For that, all you need is to be an unethical person, someone lacking of integrity. No need of intelligence for that.
On this line, I find them actually lacking of intelligence, as their actions are highly risky and short termed. You can scamm a group of people, and though you get to rip them off, it will be difficult to scamm them a second time. Yes, it can happen, but the criminal enterprise will be less succcessful. Eventually, the criminals will run out of people to scamm, and also would have burned out their reputation, so will hardly find ways to make ends meet - unless they latch onto someone or some organization willing to take them in. For a profit.
However, why are people prone to think them "intelligent"? Because people who are victims of their shenanigans don't want to feel stupid.
Being scammed, defrauded, being victimized by corruption bears a stain similar to that of being raped: the victim is re-victimized because they are made feel stupid for having fallen into the scheme. People thus protect themselves, by choosing to believe their abusers, their scammers are very intelligent people, and so they had no way to defend against them. As humans, we want to still believe. We want to trust.
It's hard, because all of us can fall victims of scammers, and we feel angry and ashamed, specially when we are also surrounded by people who praise them and want to follow their steps.
So, what can we do? Well, first of all observe, learn, reseach, get more than one opinion on different matters. Trust, as long as what is asked from you do not compromise you, your resources or your loved ones. Don't fear to ask questions, and mistrust anyone who treats your questions as signs of stupidity. Remember that lack of intelligence isn't revealed in the questions asked, but the answers given.
Then, denounce, and don't be afraid to stand up strong. As Shallon Lester says so often: What we permit, we promote. Make that effort, for you and your neighborhood: Stand up against abuse, corruption and crime. It's in your hands.
In recent days I've been going back more and more to my Book of Shadows, striking out things that are no longer part of my believes, and also adding anotations from the practice I am doing. Nothing fancy, just usual comfy-witch-doing-stuff kind of things.
The funny thing about my Book of Shadows, is that I see it as a dynamic, changing thing. I started keeping one ages ago, first in a spiral bound book and then moved to a large hard bound book a friend gave me. This had some lettering, some structure and some uncertainty. In it I sought to embrace the witch in me without going against my believes of the time, which was difficult, because the consensus of my believe frame went against my nature and my very own believes.
Slowly I grew, and learned to shed the frames imposed by third parties and reach out in a direct connection to my believes and the world around me, and so some things in my Book of Shadows became obsolete, so I have started striking out what no longer works for me. I'm also taking up again some studying I wanted to do during my Year-and-a-Day period, but yeah, that didn't quite happened. That is also recorded in there.
I've a new book - leather bound, handmade pages, and much smaller than my current one - and I've been thinking about moving into it, with the anotations better organized and curated to my current system of believes. Now, my Book of Shadows is personal, not a public record nor a book for public consultation. It can hold all my tries and errors, and nothing happens. However, as I was revising yesterday, I was thinking how different it is from my journals, which I don't go back to correct. I do have similar feelings for both of them, both are personal books, but while one adapts to my current needs, the other remains fixed.
This got me thinking about some things we do. Sometimes we are tempted to go over our past and past decisions and fix them. We want to go back and erase them, or tell them differently, in the light of what we have learned later on. We don't want to admit that we had a crush on that person that turned out to be so embarrassing, and we don't want to admit that we didn't do something or didn't get to be picked for something we really wanted. I've met people who had lied about the score they've got to enter a beloved university, claiming they didn't get into this or that career because "back then they decided against it". The truth? Back then their results came below the required score. -- Yes, I had back then the means to check on their allegations.
The point is not that people lie - people always lie and it's not always a bad thing - but the issue here is the revisionst attitude to one's own past. Why do we feel the need to do so? Because, at the same time, most people are perfectly fine rewriting their past, but do nothing to fix their future and improve those perceived flaws. We want to change what we can't change (our past), but ignore what we actually can change (our attitudes and actions in the present).
If it bothers you that you couldn't enter to your beloved career, instead of lying about why it didn't happen, why don't you try to enter now? It's never too late to study. Or was it that you let go the love of your life? Hey, unless they are dead, you can still pick up the phone and drop them a message. And if they are dead - I know, that's my case - you can always dedicate them some time to write or paint ot think about them.
Honor your past, learn from it. You don't need to share if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but embrace it, observe it, draw out lessons and apply them to your present. See it this way: if you want to change something you did in the past, or that happened to you, what could you do now to correct its effects?
I keep a journal for my past, to remember the things I did, I said, I thought and those I witnessed. I keep a Book of Shadows for my spiritual practice. My personal past and my personal present. Life is also separated in two books for all of us (or more). Use them wisely.
Maybe it was the hype created around this book, but I didn't really love it. I didn't got it right after it was released - I hardly ever do - but ever since it showed up in my recommended reads, I wanted to get my pawns on it and consume its words. It was only after the next instalment by the talented Ms Jenkins Reid hit the virtual shelves of Amazon.com, that I finally decided to get myself a copy - and I wanted it in physical format, not in Kindle - and went through quite an ordeal to own a much coveted copy.
When the book was finally in my hands, I was... not impressed. Thankfully it had decently cut pages - I hate decked edges - but the covers of the book one to two milimeters shorter than the pages. On both front and cover. Was it on purpose? Because I was not pleased. But oh well, what matters is the content, the words, not the look of the book... though I paid shipping and handling for this, so if I would have known, I would have gone with Kindle, mind you.
It took me a couple of months to get to sit down and read the book, even though I really wanted to read it. I really did. It was on my nightstand (along with a pile of other ten books), which made them my "this is what I really want to read next" pile. I somehow end up reading other things, but I don't lose hope. I'll get there... eventually, Anyway, the thing is that I lifted a book from the pile - finally! - and read it. And that book was The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo.
WHAT FOLLOWS INCLUDES SPOILERS, SO STOP HERE OR BE WARNED.
I started head over heels with it, adoring both Monique and Frankie, and expecting to meet Evelyn and love her too. However, little after I did, I disliked her. Reading, I frowned because it never bodes well when you start by hating the main character. From the begining, the way Frankie's and Monique's style was portrayed in a way that made you want to look like that. They showed no-nonsense type of female characters, one bold and strong, the other gathered but self secure.
Things started crumbling down for me the moment Evelyn makes a request from Monique in a forceful way, that demands the later to give up her integrity. And Monique gives under pressure. From then on, Evelyn tells Monique a story of human canibalism, where the only way to get ahead is by abusing others, by going around the law, compromising, selling out, calculating and using others.
There are ways to set this into a narrative, explain it away as "this is the way show biz works", and "yes, this was how it went before the #metoo movement and it worked", but it doesn't make it right, which is why I found it disturbing. Maybe you are a smart, aware reader and you notice that the book portrays a world with no respect, where kindness is to be exploited and being "smart" equals having no qualms to use and abuse of others. Other readers might find it difficult to distinguish - among so many real life examples of success based on cheating, manipulating, fraud and scandals - which only gets worse when Monique claims to find the strenght and courage to improve her life and her chances by being aggressive. She says she's inspired by Evelyn Hugo and her canibal approach to life, and her attitude of "if you want something, you have to take it". The scenes where she conjures the Evelun Hugo in herself might seem inspiring and full of female power for some readers, but for me, those were excuses to check human decency at the door.
Let's be clear here: one thing is to stand your ground, and another is to start running over people. Respect and courtesy are not a sign of weakness. Rudeness is.
The part that I found more troubling was the relationship with Celia. I was never sold on the idea of their love story. Throughout the whole book Celia seemed to me petty and manipulating, just as selfish as Evelyn was, with the one difference that Evelyn was self centered but did not expect Celia to bend to her expectations, while Celia was upset and made huge dramas and fights because Evelyn wasn't doing and acting and behaving and thinking and living exactly as she wanted her to.
Their so-called love sells the idea that love is blind and exclusive devotion, that every part of a person's life - including their hopes and dreams, their goals and ambitions - must be nullified and put all in exclusive service of pleasing the person one loves. The loved person is the number one priority, even above oneself. Anything less that that is a fraud and can't be called love.
This is toxic. This is poison. This is a lie and is anything but love. Love is not devotion, love is having strong, positive feelings about the other person. Love is not exclusivity, love is being happy for the other person, but also being happy for oneself. Love is not exclusive. Love is not all consuming. Those are the sings of an obssession or an unhealthy attitude. Love is not sacrifice. Relationships aren't either about sacrifice, they are about compromise, which isn't even remotely close to sacrifice. And Love and Relationship aren't related either, in case you wonder.
However, from the moment Celia enters the scene, it's all down the gutter. Evelyn insists until she is blue in the face, that Celia is the Big It, The Big Kahuna, the Mother of the Wen and the One and Only. Yet there are constant bits and pieces that show us that Celia isn't that much different from Don Adler. Beating with words isn't much better than beating with fists, just because it doesn't leave visible bruises. The only thing to say that theirs is a big, true love, is Evelyn insisting on it, but you get no real chance to see it. Pushing someone into a guilty trip isn't a sign of love. And no, I don't buy that bullshit of "oh, she hurts me because she's so hurt because she loves me".
Love is not an excuse to stand and take abuse, no matter then shape, form or intensity it takes.
Through the book I saw no glamour or old Hollywood lifestyle, only people with money manipulating their entourage. I really wanted to see that, read that, but to be honest, I liked better the snipets about Monique's life than the episodes into Evelyn's life.
The end of the book was quite infuriating, with the letter and all. As you remember how Evelyn acted in the begining, with her pushing of Monique to put at risk her good name and livelihood, you can't possibly believe anything she says. Oh, and the end? It was transparent as glass. The letter was a twist, but the end of it was being suggested in one way or the other over and over.
The writing style is good, the pictures it draws of Monique and Frankie so precious, that it managed to save three starts from the bin I would have chucked the whole book into.
I was talking with a friend of mine about different topics, and at one point we touched over their fancy for all sorts of challenges that have to do mainly with life style, health and habits. This friend is a very goal-oriented person, and these challenges help them set goals that seek to improve their live. But do they?
Sometimes I tend to unleash my inner Sigmund Freud, and as I heard them speak about "not failling" and "fulfilling the challenge", and "proving to themselves that they can do it", some bells started chiming in my head. The thought in my head was "Would you like to talk to me about what are you hiding from?". Not an easy or a proper question to ask, but I felt something was off. Now, of course challenges are not a bad thing, and exercises to pick up healthy habits are good, like learning to eat three times a day in set hours, include veggies, lay off the six gallons of coffee per day, quite smoking... you know, healthy stuff. But then, there are things that might be fun, or might seem like a healthy habit, but don't really do much for you.
Here's what I mean: there are challenges or "habits" to pick that might make you stress and strain for the duration of it, that might end up in a success or a failure, and when you win them you quickly forget them, but when you fail them, they haunt you.
In the case of my friend, I particularly noticed their choice of words: they talked about "failing the challenge", not about "skipping a day" or "missing" something. They tend to be an A-type personality, so failure is like hell for them, and it can consume them. So why choose to do challenges? I've got to the conclusion that maybe, they might be so afraid of failing on something important to them, that these challenges give them back a sense of control. Challenges give them something where they can fail but they feel completely empowered and capable of conquering. This begs the question then, what is this uncontrollable situation they feel they are failing at, which they can't control?
I did not pursue this inquiry with them (for obvious reasons), but I thought of some things that could bother other people, and which are false responsabilities.
A False Responsability
I call false responsability all those things we take upon ourselves or are laid on us that do not depend on us. For this I use concepts used in Internal Control - which is used in entities all around the world to set up responsabilities within the structure and ensure everybody is doing what they are supposed to be doing and avoid mishandling and curtail corruption - Responsability never comes alone: Responsability comes with Authority. Also, delegating the dealing of a situation does not delegate the Responsability. You can't ditch a responsability by landing it down to someone else: you are still responsable.
It happens in life that we are often encumbered with tasks or responsabilities over which we have no power at all, or only "power in appearance". Examples of this are the cases where we get involved in the decisions of someone else, and we feel responsible for someone else's decision making even though we have no power to make decisions for them.
We might feel responsible for "making a relationship work" when our partner has no intention to do so, and so we feel guilty when it falls apart, when it was not all on us. We might feel responsible for helping a friend or relative that ends up abusing of our kind heart, and when we try to stop, they turn against us and call us out on cutting the help.
Society also piles up on us loads of false responsabilities through expectations, such as getting married and forming a family, or getting a university degree, getting a particular job, and so on. Maybe we don't want any of this, but we feel pressured, so if we give in, we feel bad because we betray ourselves, but if we refuse, we feel guilty for not "completing our duty".
In these cases, notice that you are being made responsible of something you can't control or something you didn't choose. Choice is being stripped from you. It might sound stupid, but the pounding on your spirit of these "responsabilities" can break you. And they are not even real responsabilities!
Your responsabilities come from the things You Choose.
Yes, it is so much easier to ignore the fact that you are being pressured into something you don't want, made feel guilty about it, made feel like a failure because you are not "loving it", or not even fulfilling it, and so challenges help look away and distract your for the pain that has no actual place in your life.
What to do?
Well, first, face these monsters. Decide about them. Maybe you are hiding from something you can fix and you would really like. With those you can make a plan. Think long term, give yourself ample space, space it, make Alternative Plans or Plan Bs. There are always ways to tackle anything, and if time is not of essence (be real, there are things that can wait), take as much time as you want in the preparation and R&D stages.
If the things that bother you are false responsabilities, flip them. It might hurt at first, but draw that line, say "Sorry, we are closed for business", "Yeah, I think I'll pass", "No, sorry, I can't deal with that". And never be afraid, if anyone ever calls you cruel or mean for not catering to their demands, and tell you you are a bad person and there is a special place in you for Hell, to reply: "Yes, I know. It's called The Throne".
You might be roaming the ailes of a paper store looking for a notebook and a pen to start journaling because you feel like this is something you want to do, or because you are convinced that this is going to make your life better. You might be nervous or excited, or just blah. So, let me ask you something: What will you do the moment you open the journal? How would you start?
Yes, you may already have a plan, or you might be concentrating on the notebook purchase because you have no idea what to do about it.
The thing with journaling, or keeping a diary - call it any way you want to, it's yours and it should fit and please you, nobody else - is that often expectations can kill the process. The "blank page" can block you and make you feel off because you have no idea what to do, or maybe you devote the first week an insane amount of energy in planning, designing, drawing, collaging and what not, and then you realize you don't really want to do that anymore because it is so tiresome. So, what to do?
I started journaling when I was 10 years old. From age 8 or so, I wanted desperately a Hello Kitty diary, even though I didn't know to write quite well. In my case, ever since I know myself, I have always been drawn to letters and to writing (among other things, of course), so when I've got my first diary for Christmas, I was over the moon, even if it was in a blank paged book, and I was afraid to write in it because I was used to ruled pages. I thought back then that keeping a diary meant to write everyday, so even when I was tired or nothing interesting had happened, I wrote in my journal. Of course, on those days I wrote:
Nothing interesting happened today.
Eventually this became too much of a chore and I abandoned it. Me, quite possibly a graphomaniac. Since I am addicted to writing, though, I came back to it later on, with a much more relaxed attitude, and started writing whenever I wanted, whatever I wanted, no pressure. And I've been doing it since then.
Property of Snowberry
There have been years when I've made only one entry in the whole year, and there are years where I burn through two or three books because I'm carrying my diary around and writing like I'm possessed. Some of my journal books are cover to cover only writing, some have drawings, some have... charts and graphs where I explore ideas for economics theories. Some others are fat and prone to fall apart because I've stuffed it with mementoes from trips and dates and purchases and whatnots. They each are me and represent me, and they are there to wait for me for when I want to write about something. And they work for me.
So, what's my advise for people looking for starting a journal (or a diary)? Simple, pay attention.
First Page Issue
In my case this is no longer an issue. After so many journals, each is like the continuation of the next, so I'm long since gotten over this issue. However, sometimes I like to leave this page purposefully in blank, and later on do something on it. You can, for instance (and I really like this), grab a cup of your favorite hot drink (non sweetened) and pour just a tad on a saucer. Sit the mug on the spilt liquid and then put it on the page and let it sit a couple of minutes. Lift it and you have a purposeful stain, in a circle. You can leave it like that, or write a quote in it, or around it, draw if you want to...
You can also do that with water colors and go creative.
Another idea is to pick up a magazine or a newspaper you like, clip out a picture or a news article, and paste it. The write over it "Most Memorable News/Picture on The Day This Journal/Diary was Started". If the picture is big, or you make a collage, you can always cut a strip of paper to write on it and glue it on. Perfectly cut, ripped... it all works. :-) Remember you can "age" paper by brewing a really strong black tea, and submerging the paper in it. Leave it some 20 to 30 minutes and then dry the page by putting it between old news papers and pressing it down. It can take a day or two, depending on weather conditions.
You can also go not so artsy, and just write a quote or a warning on it, or the date of start or a list of the things you like. And here's another idea: Put on top of it or at the center, or anywhere you want "Random Thoughts" or "Brain Dump", or "Thought Parking", and use it through time to write anything short on it.
You don't need to make it perfect, because honestly, you will hardly see it. Make it anything that talks to you. And yes, it's alright to use it for the first entry. The hell knows you may want to use up as much of the paper real estate of your journal for as long as you can.
First Entry
This can be tricky for many. Remember this is for YOU, so you don't need to introduce yourself to the journal, though you can do that if you want to. In this spirit, remember that this first entry should be... you. Like every other. Writing the date is optional, too. Nobody needs to know. You can add a title, if you like too, or address the journal as if you were writing a letter.
Two of the diaries I've read and remained with me are Anna Frank's and Anaïs Nin's. Ms. Nin wrote continually, so often you don't have an idea of when things happened. Her diaries were a collection of confidences, unaddressed, and mixing thoughts, impressions and facts. Anna started each entry with "Dear Kitty", a friend she invented, and made her journal to be.
Here's an example of how I do it:
Heredia,
2019.09.23
"Giving Advise"
Another day at work, and another day gone by. Things are going as usual and I'm happy about it. I was also thinking about journaling because I've seen K's efforts to try and get into journaling.
Style
The question of style is the easiest: go with whatever pleases you. This is not a beauty contest, nor there is a price for the journal that keeps the canon. If you feel like doing some are, do some art. If you feel just like writing, then write. The journal is there for you to unload your mind and spirit, so do so and don't mind how it's going to look.
Style can change from book to book, and you can also experiment with different things as you go by. Your journal is personal, so it has an ample space to do all your tries and errors. And don't worry! Try it all, keep it there, and maybe in the future, when you revisit your pages, you can rediscover something from the old days.
Property of Stormberry
Sometimes art or clipping look aweful at the moment, but with time, the materials age and it can look wonderful years later.
The Rhythm
Take it easy. Notebooks and writing instruments have a cost. Don't write if you don't feel like it. If you do something when you don't like it, when you have to force yourself to do it, you'll hate it. This is not a life saving diet, nor exercise to keep you in shape. This is something you do for you. To the hell with all that "you have to make it a habit", or "get into the habit" and "fake it until you make it". Hell no! Do it because it pleases you, because you really want to, because you feel like it.
You can keep it by your bed, or at your desk, or carry it around with you... it's all up to you and what you feel like it.
No matter if you do it for a mental health exercise or a way to improve your life so, this is your friend, your personal tool, your writing, your journal and it should fit you and serve you, not the other way around. Journaling is a pleasure, not a task.
EDIT: I was checking some videos about journaling, and I found this video from this super lovely girl, and she gives some really incredible tips. So, I'll leave her video here to help you get inspired. :-D Oh, and please, please, PLEASE live her a lot of love in her video, because she just so totally deserve it. :-) 2019.09.24
The second week will start tomorrow, the second week of freedom after I decided to step down from the German lessons I was taking at the Goethe Zentrum. I can't even begin to tell you how happy and relieved I am! I have more time to concentrate on the book we are reading at the Lesenklub, and the language becomes again something enjoyable.
It may have taken me a long time, but I think I stopped in time, before the circumstances and external conditions ruined my relationship with the language. I get out of it in time.
So, here is my lesson to all of you: learn to give up, to let go, to recognize when something is no longer working, and brave up to part ways. It's not easy because a false sense of pride can get in the way, or maybe it's a bit of OCD. We might already be used to it. But be it what it may, remember that keeping up with something that no longer makes you happy is the surest way to get to hate it. So, is it worth to take things to the point when you hate everything when you could step away, walk away and keep sweet, beautiful memories, mazbe even with the chance to come back again to it later, in better terms?
I'm slowly reaching the point where I've been bullet journaling for some two or three years in a row, and the time has come to evaluate how to I feel with this system. Like everything, it has had its ups and its downs, and I've been adapting to its many twists and turns. It has been funny and I've liked some of it's features. So let's see how the system fares for me:
Pros
1. I get lots and lots of space for notes and random jots.
2. It's fairly adaptable, so I don't have to commit to a single format of spread or tracker for the rest of the year.
3. I can use a notebook or a filofax planner. It works either way.
Cons
1. I have to write down every single day the date and the appointments. It doesn't really let me plan some tasks - tasks, not appointments - in a way that when I get to THAT day I don't have to write it down.
2. I have to prepare every single spread each time I need it. Every month I have to make a monthly and a tracker.
3. It all ended up just as bulky as the filofax was, so there is no improvement there.
4. I've found it hard to create sections, which I've got used to with the filofax, and which I love, but then it kind of takes away from the idea of the bullet journal.
Then there are these things that I have noticed about myself:
1. I don't really use the index. I have used it, but it's very seldom.
2. Though I know I can fix a lot of things that bother me with post its, I don't use nearly that many post its. I have found it bothers me when post its pile on top of post its for tasks or appointments. It also bothers me when a post it has been moved around a lot and they curl up, get dirty or stop being sticky enough.
In general, I would really, really like to be a one-notebook kind of person, specially if I manage to get into the Masters program I'm aiming for next year. I often carry books and notebooks with me, and a leaner planner would be a real life saver - specially since I don't really like having my stuff on my phone or my laptop. However, I'm sort of a paper hoarder, and I like to keep printed out lists and programs in my calendar for reference.
The filofax gave me a place to park all of that, and it did grew thick in no time. I know some of my friends liked to look at it and page through it because it gets so juicy, so nice and fat, but I didn't like it all that much because that added bulk and weight to my already big, heavy bag. I would have thought the notebook my friend Arjen gave me would be the answer to my prayers, but I ended up having made a cover to be able to carry it all in one piece. The notebook is currently as fat as my filofax was last year.
So, with enough time to plan ahead, I'm thinking about going back to my filofax (notebooks will be reserved to be used as personal journals, as it should), and start working on a crossover between both systems. I'm thinking about designing and printing out a series of monthly calendar spreads and yearly trackers. With the monthly calendars already printed out, there would be no need for a future log, as I could keep the monthlies on the back and intersperse the pages for the daily activity as it is needed.
My plans currently don't fix all the cons I've noticed with the bullet journal, but I think I'll get there in time. Maybe I'll end up back in the folds of the filofax, and using my trusty Chronodex again.
We shall see how things progress in time, and you can be sure I'll be keeping you posted.
