Memories Are All That's Left

Property of Stormberry

A couple of days have passed that are proven to be emotionally straining. I'm trying to come up with a better word, but honestly, I can't. Ever since November 17th, when a chance meeting with an old friend, I had been feeling emotionally restless. We talked for much longer time than usual, and they unloaded quite a heavy burden that changed the way I saw many things about them. I also opened up a lot about them, and was rather brutally honest about some things that had perspired in the past. Those things weren't pretty things, but rather unveiled a dark side of my heart. To this day I have no certainty about how they took in that information.

There have also been issues at home, where my brother is going through some family issues and we are doing what family does in times like this: gather up tighter and hold up the one that needs most support. There have been other straining issues that might have grinded on my nerves due to the second hand pain I've been exposed to, and then comes the meeting and getting closer to people who might be romantically interested in me. Or are and I just don't want to acknowledge it for what it is.

Property of Stormberry

The truth is, I think I don't like the idea of me in a romantic relationship. I do have been in them, and I do have loved my partners, but I think those times are well past before me, and though I might be attracted to the people I'm going out with and seeing, I'd rather have the friendship and forgo the romance. Or could it be that I'm not that much into either of them? Or is it that maybe my friend's issues are taking an undue amount of my thoughts and that's keeping me from finding my balance and concentrating on what's really important - this being me feeling good?

I've been pondering in this a lot.

Normally, I have always cautioned my friends from getting too wrapped up in other people's issues, and look at me, getting all wrapped up in the personal problems of my friend. Not like I can solve them, nor like it would be my place. So why I am being sucked into their clusterfuck? Well, because I have the feeling that the time left on our friendship is quickly coming to its end.

I don't know precisely how to explain this, but this has been the dynamic of our life encounters since forever, and so I have now the feeling that soon we are to part ways and a couple of decades will pass before we see each other again, if ever. Not like we share much, but we have shared some deep stuff, and so they feel like a sort of comrade or a fellow soldier in the battlefield of life. I have made some notes about them and as I was recording some events, I came to the realization that, people come and go, but the memories that we keep from them often times remain with us much, much longer. Like feathers of a bird, they are a small part of the whole bird, but they remain with those who have collected them long after the bird has past.

We are to part soon, and I wonder if this is also the reason why I seem to be trying to collect their feathers by handfulls, as if I could stuff a pillow with them, to rest my head on them at night.

Express Love!

Mercury Retrograde is finally over, and I can't be happier. I won't blame the astrological phenomenon on the lagging of my posting (though I could), but let's just say that I am really happy it's over... for now. Yes, I have witchy plans to put in motion that are better done under clear skies and direct planetary influences. Ah, I do live being Pagan and a Witch, even when it has these pecularities. Then again, these all make life all the more fun to live.

Last week was also a bit of a tough week for me, because I had a lot of things lined up. Thesis pre-defense, my nephews and niece staying over for the weekend, my Mom's birthday, and then I lovely, surprise meet up with a dear friend, that left me emotionally charged. Last week I didn't go to yoga (I stared a few weeks ago), and I was also carrying around negative emotions about that.

Yoga: Yes, about that, quickly, what happened was that I was so happy with a new alignment yoga class that was taught on Tuesdays at 18.00 hours. Management decided to move it to 19.00 hours. For me, who don't live in the same city where the classes are taught, this meant getting home at the same hour I used to get home when I was taking German lessons. We all know how that ended, so that was not an option for me. I could go another day to another class, but the other classes were not of alignment, and I wanted alignment. So yes, I was a little bitter, mumbling troll under a bridge, upset by the change.

Anyway, back on track, I was already strained, but coping (or so I say), when I met with this dear friend of mine, who is going through a bit of a rough patch. And no, his yoga class wasn't moved an hour later, but he was having Mercury Retrograde lean in elbow first in his life, with all the other gods, goddesses and planets piling on like it's a rugby scrum. I was really, really happy to see him and spend time with him, though I am afraid I wasn't as useful as I could have been, have I had all my marbles in place.

As he unburdened his chest, I tried to convey often that he can deal with it all, he's strong enough, he has the resources he needs, he's smart enough, and that he can always draw strenght from the love of all those who surround him. Me among them. I did try to make this clear over and over, beacuse I'm afraid that Mercury Retrograde (I'm so not taking the blame for this, even if it is my fault) messes with my already strained emotions, and I ended up telling him things I probably shouldn't have. Like how deeply I used to dislike him when we were in college.

I did talked to him like it was the last time I'll see him ever, and so I opened up my ribcage and unloaded everything I felt he might need through the rest of his life. The exercise was so intense, that it left a mark on me, a print, and so I spent a couple of days after thinking about him and the message I transmitted. In the end, it all came concentrated in one word: Love.

Love

Many people guard the speaking out of this word quite jealously, and often fear or feel that it can be cheapened if used too much. Many also link this word, and the sentence "I love You", to a romantic declaration that must lead to marriage and forming a family. Fairly tales and stories in books and movies and series, also often sell us this idea of the "One", or the "True Love", and how there is only one real love and how lovely it is when someone has never known love and then finally finds love and feels it for the first time. Doesn't ring a bell? Well, how about the corny expression "I never felt this way before"?

In my opinion, these ideas put in people's heads a dangerous concept, which my itself degenerates the feeling and the word. If there is one love, and you fall in love with someone but then fall out of love, or that emotion ceases, you could end up feeling guilty and unworthy because a) you lost this important thing and there was only one of it, or b) you are so silly you couldn't see it wasn't the true one.

You see, love is like a muscle, and it's also multiple. There isn't one love or one true love, but many, many types of love. Also, love is quite tailored, and it's nearly impossible to love two people with the same kind of love. This doesn't mean that one is bigger or better than the other, but that each molds perfectly to the person you are loving. You love your mom one way and your dad another. You love each of your siblings and each of your friends in a different way. You also love each of your lovers and exes in a different way. And that's alright.

Maybe we should start saying it aloud more often, tell our friends that we love them, tell or family that we love them, and not me frugal or scared of the words. Use them! So far, there is no charge and no tax on expressing emotions or showing love. Hug, kiss, hold a hand, smile, say "I love you" and keep smiling.

Saying it more often strenghtens both the emotion and the ease to express it, and also to express other emotions. Strenghtens your contact with your own self, your feelings and your thoughts, and also strenghtens your bond with others.

Choose to say it when you feel it, not when you are expected to, and strenghten your honesty, both towards yourself and towards others.

Saying "I love you" often doesn't cheapen the emotion, saying it without feeling it, or to get something, does.

Reclaim love.

E-Mail Nirvana

Source: Modified image found on
Google Images.

May I ask you a question? How many e-mails are currently in your inbox? How many across all your inboxes? Yeah, let's be honest, we are long past the time when people only had one e-mail. I mean, that's so 90's, right?

Of all the e-mails in your inboxes, how many are unread?

How you relate to your inbox and the e-mails in it (them) differs from one person to the next, so offering a one-size-fits-all formula is not a solution. Believe it or nor, for some people having an inbox bursting with unread e-mails is reassuring. For some people that little number (ok, in their case it's a HUGE number) in the red bubble is a source of satisfaction, much like a like counter in a social network. It can mean that they receive attention, that their time is wanted by an x amount of sources (people?), and that makes them feel good.

For others, the sole presence of a red bubble is a source of stress, because each number means a task, a request that needs to be checked, sorted and dealt with. Even the read e-mails in your inbox can be a source of stress, if you are like me and keep e-mails in the inbox until you have replied to them. Now, if you are like me and e-mails in your inbox irk you, then here are a few tips that have helped me through the years to deal with them. It doesn't mean that my inboxes are always  on 0, nor that I never get flooded - though admitedly, I never let e-mails go past the 50 mark, and that only happens when I haven't been checking for a good while. So, what can we do to tame the e-beast?

Tame the e-Beast

First of all, you need a filing system. This is best created with folders, even better if you can put folders inside folders. How do you do that? This is how I go about it:

1. In a piece of paper, write the most important areas for which you receive info in that given inbox. This is to give you an idea of the structure. For instance:

Work e-mail example:

• General Memos (from the CEO)
• Human Resources
• Main Job Tasks
• Secondary Job Tasks
• Important Job-Related Information
• Miscelaneous

This can give you an idea of how to start sorting the e-mails. No, it might not end up working this well, but it's a start.

2. Start at some point in your inbox, either by the first e-mail at the top of the pile, or the one at the very bottom. If there are many (more than 50), you may like to start at the top. Check the e-mail, and make the first decision:

• Is it important? If so, keep it. If not, delate it.

If you decided the e-mail is important, create a folder for it. You can leave it in the inbox if you still have to work with it, or you can file it away if you have dealt with it (downloaded the attached info, wrote the appointment in your calendar, moved the task to your to-do list, etc.). Some e-mail servers, like gmail, allow you to create a tab for each folder you create.

3. One by one, keep checking each e-mail and locating the folder you will eventually file it in. With the main structure of the first point, you can start creating sub-folders that help you organize better your e-mail.

Work e-mail example:

• General Memos (from the CEO)
• Finance
• Environmental Efforts
• Voluntary Opportunities
• Human Resources
• Pay checks
• Vacations
• Sick days
• Main Job Tasks
• Literature
• Literature 101
• Class Program
• Class Material
• Homework
• Tests
• Grades
• Medieval Literature
• Class Program
• Class Material
• Homework
• Tests
• Grades
• Research
• Schedules
• Sources
• Advances
• Secondary Job Tasks
• Teacher Meetings
• Important Job-Related Information
• Miscelaneous

See what I mean? Yes, it can grow chaotic, if you let it, but as long as you understand the logic and it works for you, it's all good.

4. Take your time. It can be cumbersome, and you might be flooded with e-mails from everywhere, but eventually you'll get there. Use slow moments of the day to go through the received e-mails and go on filing them. There's no hurry, and as long as you keep a constant effort, all is going to be well, and you'll get that coveted sense of control.

There's no need to erase all e-mails, as must of the current servers allow you to store them all, and by filing them you make sure you'll be able to find the ones you need easier.

Organizing your e-mails isn't the answer to all your prayers, and even these tips can go haywire for some, BUT it's a place to start, if yo feel like you would like to know where your info is, and not get greated each time you open your inbox with an avalanche of e-mails that mix important info with spam, work with personal stuff and so on.

Learning from Oneself

Source: from Google Images

I was talking to a friend of mine during the Sabbath of Samhain of our experiences and how do we relate to our them. This particular sabbath - as it fell on Mercury Retrograde, thus making it ideal for introspection - gave us the perfect frame for taking the time to analyze what dwells in our hearts.

One of the topics that caught my interest in that moment is that of the expectations we have of ourselves, and how we feel when we act, react or behave in a way that goes against those expectations or fail to fulfill them. My friend was telling me how this fail at fulfilling their expectations with themselves make them feel guilty or particularly frustrated, even angry, and working out of these vicious cycles is hard.

As my friend was talking about healing and forgiving oneself to move over, I kept thinking about the unique chance to be able to pin down the emotion, the feelings, the thoughts that roam around one's head when one is consumed by them, and try to get to the root of them. If you feel guilty or frustrated, why is that? And why is so important to fulfill that expectation? And how that expectation came to you in the first place? Why do you believe you must be this or that?

Oftentimes people choose to take a pattern or an idea for themselves that has been made by others. Like putting on a dress, they take something external and try to convince themselves that this manufactured thing is who they aree, or who they should be. My question would be: why are you looking for your self outside of yourself? Same with these quests for themselves, all of which happen around and outside themselves and seek to reflect the desired aspects into themselves, instead of looking in.

I kept on wondering about these matters and came to the idea (conspiracy?), that often some of these expectations are imposed, and our failures to fulfill them are designed to give outlet to accumulated frustration from other sources. What do I mean? What if we are bombarded with ideas like the expectation that we have to be successful in a way that is socially trendy, and so when we fail (because not everybody can be famous, not everybody can be rich, and you can't force people to like you on social media), you will be consumed with that, you will blame yourself, and at the same time you will ignore the fact that corrupt Government agents are diverting the money of your taxes for their personal gain.

Of course, probably this is not how it works, though neuromarketing and manipulation are tools that have been in the arsenal of many politics and social leaders for ages and ages, but it did got me thinking about it.

However, back to you, have you tried that? I suggest you to give it a try, though you need to work fast. For some reason, anger towards oneself and depression tend to disappear the moment you are trying to understand it. :-)