Grief

I'm trying to understand myself and my grief. It's been about a month and a half since Hyperion died, and somehow I don't get over it. Through the years, I've had many cats and many of them have died, of course. While Hyperion lived, I thought sometimes about what would be my reaction  the day he died. I thought that maybe I'd be sad but I would quickly look for a new cat. It had been so with Ramses, our Siamese cat. However, ever since Hyperion got sick, the idea of him dying on me was simply unacceptable for me. Now, after he has been gone, I find myself missing him everyday.

My memories of Hyperion extend to all of my senses, but curiously, they are mainly concentrated in my sense of smell and my touch. I remember his smell vividly, often to the point where I can suddenly smell him, and fell at the same time the soft fur of his head pressed to my upper lip. I remember his fur against my nose, the touch of his head against my hand, how it fet when I scratched him, or his weight as he leaned agaings my hand or sat on my lap. The heat of him, the vibrations of his purring, his big paws in my hand or pressing against me.

I still sad as I remember that he's no longer with us, that I can't go home and wait to see him, pick him up and caress him. Yes, no cat has ever been so long with us as Hippie, so is it that why I don't get over his death so easy? I got over breaking up with my ex so much faster and so much painlessly, and yet here's a cat - ok, a great, awesome cat - and I don't seem to be able to move on, see my life without him.

Grief can be so weird.

Blessed Lughnasadh!

Source: meetup.com

The time of the year has come, when we celebrate the first results of our work. Yes, it's the first harvest, a celebration of bread and grain, when we first start to see the yields of our many efforts. Before we even break under the high Sun, before we get disheartened for working so much and maybe not seeing anything "of use", Mother Nature sends forth the first results, and we can see, that yes, what we have put out has returned to us.

This celebration, for me, is about the first yieldings of our work, be it a suficient work or not. It gives us a peak of what's to come in the next two harvests. It's kind of interesting how this coincides in time with the first and second semesters. As August comes, you already know how good your work was in the first semester and whether you need to improve in the second. Schoolwise, in those places where school years start in September, as August starts, students have settled in already about the end of the previous year and now they can start seeing the results of ther efforts. Not only for the grades that they already know but now, but it's a great moment to make balance of how have we studied, how have we worked and what could be improved. I mean here not only to study harder, but maybe also, not to obsess so much about school and learn to have the needed down time to have a happy life, a life into which the results of school are well welcomed.

I'm midway through my graduation seminars, and I indeed learned a few things. I could be moe organized about my time, I could study more efficiently, and when I make a program and stick to it, things come out wonderfully. I've been a little chaotic lately about my finances, but I'm dealing with it already. It sets me back  some on my very tightly knit plans, but yes, the lesson here is: "Hey girl! Live a little! It's OK!". Know your measure, because if you have plans, you shouldn't be the one stone in your own road towards getting to them, but it's ok to loose your corset too. So it will take a little bit more of time, so what? There's more time than life, anyways, right?

But then, it's time to get back on track, and you should learn to do it too, before it's too late. As part of this, for instance, I've got back on track with my personal accounting, and yes, though in debts still, it feels good to know I've gone through all my bills, all my vouchers and set it all. I'm ready to continue my year with a firmer grasp on my wallet.

Source: www.vogue.in

One thing that this harvest brought to me - through some videos I've been watching - is a renewed interest in skin care and hair care. I decided to be more involved with my skin, get back to my morning and evening regimes and start making use of the many facials I've bought. I have a Brightening Moisturizing Mask by L'Occitane, which I've purchased a while back and never got to use! Hell, and that thing wasn't cheap either!! So I decided to make a routine for myself, a weekly plan for facials, including this one twice a week (I need to use it up before it expires), and then one day for a wonderful grape facial by Oriflame, and another for an aloe vera facial, also from Oriflame. I've also decided to start making a closing up towards make up again, which makes sense not so much because I'm 40, but because I've a make up bag full of it and eventually I'd like to use it... before I end up again, throwing out forty pieces of lipstick because they are too old and I didn't even used them. So here I am, googling and learning about the differences between BB and CC creams, and deciding that, for a no-make-up person like me, starting out with a little of BB or CC cream would be just perfect. Lets build up from there on, though I don't think I'll ever end up like a make up diva, with full on make up and a plastic face so different from my own, butI guess this could be a nice start.

Hair care used to be a huge part of my life, back when I had waist long locks, but in the last years my only hair care was brush it and use shampoo. Yes, that was it. No conditioner, no hairdrying, no creams, no nothing. just that. Though I still avoid any heat source around my hair, and conditioner, I'm getting close again to regenerating, moisturizing and anti-frizz products, I'm also trying to wear it undone as often as possible, so it doesn't break as much, but I'm also thinking about investing in a couple of wigs, so I can give my hair a break from now and then, and go to work while protecting it from the elements. But that's a little further ahead.

Finally, a sad piece of news: my beloved cat, Hyperion, passed away this Wednesday. It seems he was poisoned. Well, you sure can guess how deeply sad this makes me. Strangely, though I cry every time I watch a Disney or a Pixar movie, or any time I see someone else cry, when facing loss, I only cry when I'm alone, and it disturbs me to cry my pain in front of others. So I've cried for my friend, my familiar, my dear Hyperion, and did it alone. He was the greatest, most beautiful and gentle cat I have ever had the honor to meet. A true sweetheart, always so tender and friendly, and loved to be taken care of. He could stay in your lap receiving loads of petting like no other cat I had ever known. He had a way of looking at you and conveying what he felt, what he wished to say. His eyes could make you feel loved, and the way in which he sometimes leaned into ou, particularly when you were carrying him, made you feel like it was only the two of you in the world. Hyperion was a real charmer. His death was not only undeserved, but an act of cowardice and unworthy of any living being. An innocent cat, loved and admired by many, whom at least had three different human households (I like to think we were his primary humans), all of which will sourly miss him. His death has brought mourning, for he wasn't an animal, like many like to think, he was a family member, someone who had earned his place in the life of many, humans and other felines alike, and who can't be replaced. I guess I've told you before that Hyperion had a cat-wife of sorts, Cirmi, who was the mother of his kittens in 2011. Those kittens died and she got terribly disturbed, living now with serious traumas that make her to become nearly obssessively attached to cats she lives with. Well, with Hyperion's death, Cirmi has been showing again the same restless, desperate behavior she displayed with the loss of Tsuki and Nini, her children.

We buried Hippie (Hyperion's nickname) in the backyard, exactly at the spot he loved the most. He leaves behind a life that touched many lives with love. The harvest those who have taken his life will be one of sour grapes, for I believe that the pain he has caused to others will seep into his days and turn to ash the food in his mouth. As for me, memories of Hippie plague my mind, I remember him hopping on my bed and demanding attention while I tried to blog or study in a way that commanded undivided attention in the most lovely and irresistible of way. I'll get over it, learn to live with Cirmi and Mûzli, loving them for who they are instead of spending every second sad because they are nothing like Hyperion was.

Stand in the Eye of the Storm

I've been falling off a little on my regular rhythm here. A lot of changes have happened, there have been a lot of things over which to think about, a lot to meditate on, and also a lot of things with which I sumply have to come to terms, accept them as they are.

This week I finished the first of two graduation seminars at the University where I study, with a less-than-satisfactory grade. Less than satisfactory for me, mind you, as I did pass and not with the lowest grade possible. The bar was raised much higher in this class than in others - regarding the grade you needed to pass (normally you pass with a 7 out of 10, but for this class you needed an 8 out of 10), which wasn't told to us  from the begining, but only in the last session with our tutor. Sadly, the actual tuition wasn't matched to these expectations, nor was the actual paramethers of grading any clearer than a picture of the monster of Lake Ness in a foggy night. I did spent a few days mulling over it quite upset, but then again I decided that it wsn't worth my time. Truth to be told, what matters in the end is the diploma I'll get and the knowledge I've gathered, and all the rest is simply "inmaterial" for me. In a weekwe'll be starting he second and last seminar, which will be on auditing. We are supposed to go auditing an enterprise, which will be interesting. I have no idea how people at universities actually think students can so easily find companies that will allow them to peek into their books and get information for school projects. That's just not the way it works.

In this week that passed, I have racked up my debt on my card due to an emergency: my previous laptop - well, my eight years old netbook, Nagi - died on me. He was having a lot of trouble of late, being incredibly slow to open even the simplest of things, like a word file, or a dossier, and then on Monday, it showed the "blue screen of death" as it crashed on Carrie and I while we tried to download some episodes of Hannibal. Nothing else to do, I had to buy myself a new netbook. This one, actually, an 11 inch Toshiba, Björn. I like Björn, but I'm at odds with it as I can't set the Hungarian keyboard on it, and the Latin American one (which I haven't used in ages now) is driving me insane. Choosing Björn was actually a long process in which I requested Carrie's expertise in computers. My only requirement at first was to get a 10 inch netbook, and not in an off color. However Carrie convinced me to look at other stuff like hard drive space - ok, I was considering that one too - RAM, and the processor's MHz measurement. Thus, after a long chase, and me outruling everything of 12 inches and I, I allowed myself to be convinced to choose an 11 inch netbook. I honestly consider it a commitment, because I do want something I can put easily in my bag and also something that fits in the folding table of a plane.

Setting Björn to work wasn't an easy task either, as Björn can't get on the internet with a cable, so you have to deal with in entirely on wireless connection, and have you tried to install Office with a wireless connection? It took me over nine hours to get it on with the trial version! I do bought a Home&Student Office - one of those perennial packs, because I'm not into paying loads for yearly licenses - but if I have the chance to get a trial, why not profit from it?

Anyway, this is how things are currently. Björn isn't as fast as I expected him to be, but it's ok, and I'm much happier now, feeling safe about my documents, knowing things won't just get up in smoke and disappear from my computer when I most need it.

I've now a couple of days of calm before the new seminar starts. I'm getting ahead with my letters and also took the chance to start reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" in Hungarian. These days of peace and quite should be savored. However, a damp spot just fell upon these perfect days yesterday, as my cat Hyperion came home in a pretty bad shape. He was salivating a lot and acting a bt strange, unable to walk well and generally looking bad. As we could, we took him to the vet, not knowing what had happened to him, whether he was poisoned or not. He started getting more and more aggressive until he was just crazy out of it. The vet said he was completely disoriented and couldn't recognize anyone. He was in such a defensive, out of his wits state that it was impossible to try and treat him, even after being shot with diazepam. The vet said he wasn't poisoned, but he suspects he had been hit hard and that the blow may have affected his brain, due to which he couldn't recognize anyone, making him rather dangerous. He has been kept at the vet over night, and today we will be told if there's any hope for him or if he shall be put to sleep. It´s kind of awful trying to imagine life without Hyperion. We have other two cats, but Hyperion was, really, like a ray of light, the one that made stuff more colorful around.

We now must wait.

My Hyperion

I know many don't like cats, but I really, really love my Hyperion, so for those who do love cats, I'd like to brag. ^_^

Let's not leave out Hyppie's friends, Mili and Mishi. Here they are: