A Good Day of Giving

Another moon cycle starts, another Dark Moon, and for this one I decided to start by shedding things and doing something good in the process. So I decided to grab a whole bunch of mangas I had that I didn't read for a long, long time, and also some old books, and give them new life by donating them to our local Library. The thought would have never really occured to me until my friend Dragonfly told me that's what she does with her books when she needs to clear up some space for new ones.

I know, the thought of giving books away sounds down right heretic or immoral for some, but trust me, it comes a time when your library has books you no longer read nor think you'll ever read again. In my case, I had accumulated over three large bags full of mangas I simply wasn't interested in reading anymore (though keep a serious amount I read and re-read regularly), along with all of my Harry Potter books. These books had been stashed away in the depths of an old closet we use only for storage purposes, when it could actually be used for something a little bit more productive.

Well, the other day I was thinking about the highly unlikely chance that we would have a guest who could use that room, say my older nephew decided to spend a longer period here during school break, or a friend came from abroad and we would have them at our place... you name it. Or something as simple as my Mom outgrowing her closet (already happened), so she would move to a bigger one - namely my old closet, which happens to be the biggest closet of the whole house. (My boyfriend totally loves it, which is why we have a similar one at our flat in Budapest.)

The closet is filled with a lot of things - and I do mean a lot! - so the other day I took a look at it to asses how many things and what kind of things are there that would need a new home or even a trip to the wastebin. Well, there they were, three large Benetton paper bags filled to the brim with mangas. Easily over 100 of them. Shortly after that I received an invite to a Book Fair where people can trade books or even donate them. My first thought was to go over there and donate the books, so I prepared them so I would go today. However, after running some errands at the City Center, I started thinking if I should drive all the way to the Capital City, struggle with the traffic there, with the parking, and then all by my own pull three bags of books looking for where can I dump them for donations. That's when Dragonfly came to my mind, and so I thought about asking our local Library if they take donations. And they do! They were closed, but they happily took my mangas. The man there said there were many kids who came looking for things to read in English, and mangas were fabulous to lure the younger generation into the Old House of Books.

I asked my Dad to help me and we took the mangas over there. I felt so happy thinking that I was putting all those mangas close to people who probably didn't know about them or maybe couldn't afford them. Maybe wouldn't even be able to get them, since some of them are old or an older edition (like my Paradise Kiss).

After that I've got home and decided to take some of my parfumes - those I no longer feel comfortable using, like a J'Adore I had already for several years - and give them away. I entrusted a lady who comes over to clean to give them away or keep them, as she saw fit. She was happy because she mentioned that her parfumes are already running low, and I was happy to have space and know that those parfumes would be used instead of collecting dust on my dresser. 

A while ago I used to have a lot of parfumes, I tried our and experimented a lot and went through phases. The Chanel No.5 phase, the Very Irresistible phase, the Flower (by Kenzo) phase, the Halloween phase (I'm reliving that currently), and then a series of artisanal scents called Vienna, Vesta and Hera. From a parfume to another, small snipets were left over and now I decided to give them away, along with those that once apealed to me but now I find either too strong, or their scent no longer seems to be part of my world.

Currently my scent world revolves around Halloween, Peony by L'Occitane, Vervaine also by L'Occitane and a small jasmine escence vial I've got for a couple of dimes at a Hindu store, so really, why to keep everything else? Specially when I believe I'm the only woman in this country who can make a 50 ml bottle of parfume last for three years while using it every day?

I put my cleaning purpose on my List of 13, my 13th list, actually ^_^ and decided to take it to anything and everything around me. My closet, my drawers, my shoes, my files... There's people out there who could give new life to the things that have been dormant around me, cluttering around, dying slowly while taking live space and killing it with it.

My life is going through some changes, and some things are a bit threatening, hanging by a thread, but this exercise reminds me of a process I already started: "stop holding to the old, the things that don't work for me anymore. Let go of the excess, come clean and honest". You can always learn something deeply philosophical and life changing from the most simplest things of the world. There must be a Natural, nearly Fibonacci thing about it, wouldn't you say?

About Cars: Issues

It all kind of started last week. And it wasn't funny back then either. Well, as you all know - or should know (I did post about this, haven't I? *checks her filofax because she's actually too lazy to check the blog-log*) - I moved to another department within the company. Oh, I see, I did made a mention but haven't told you what my life has been in the new place. Oh, it's wonderful! But back to the car, thing is that two weeks ago on Monday I went to fill the tank of Sookie because she was running low on gas. At my new place I start my day at 7 a.m., like all regular human beings, not at 6 a.m. as in my other office, like all human beings who live in another province and rather get to the office before the traffic jams. Well, since at my new office the parking space is scare and precious, when I take the car to the office I normally get there around 6 a.m. That was my luck.

On that faithful Monday morning, after filling Sookie's tank, her battery died on us. Just plop! died. I was stressed out, scared (Freaking Hell! Now what? How do I revive my car!?) and called my dad to help me. In the mean time, because God is Big and He always has an eye on me, an old man in a rusty car came by and helped me restart my car. First time I've got to use those electric cords with dented clamps in the ends. That day, also I learned that you must check your battery's water level, and if it isn't full - and I mean to the brim - the you must add to it. The water you shall use is distilled water or Club Soda (the thing you use to mix with whisky), but never regular water.

I still had my Dad take Sookie to the mechanic to see her over. The mechanic said she's fine and her motor was perfect. This was Monday of last week.

When I got her back I did notice her a bit different, more potent, the way she used to be before she got all anemic on me. Well, I was happy like a clam.

On Saturday (not this past Saturday, but the one before it) I decided to go to the movies. Everything was nice and dandy until Sookie started to heat up, and heat up bad. I was in a traffic jam, in the middle of the city where streets are very narrow and deep, open sewers separate the road from the sidewalk, so I couldn't pull over. I turned off the car on every red light, but didn't made it to the Movies. At one point she refused to ignite. Well, there I could pull her over, called my brother and asked for assistance. He told me to let her cool down and then fill the radiator and the water tank with water. Sookie was dry as a stone. It did surprise me that she would be out of water and the mechanic didn't notice on Tuesday, when Dad took her to him, not five days before. Anyway, I cooled her, filled her and then drove home. On Sunday I went to the movies - also to test her - and everything was ok.

Then came Monday. I drove to the office, and when getting to the office she heated up. Not as much as on Saturday, but she hit the red. Called my dad and told him. During the day I checked the water and filled it. Before leaving I checked again and filled her again, and this time I notices water leaking from the side of the motor. This couldn't be good. I drove carefully and when she started heating up - not in read yet, but half way there - I stopped and waited for her to cool down. So far so good. Except that then she wouldn't start.

Oh shit.

Called Dad, hoping he could help me push her to get her started. Except he called me back and told me to get a tow car with the insurance. That's how I pulled my car on a two truck for the first time in my life, and got my baby home like that.

Yesterday we took her to the mechanic, again with a tow truck, and now she's there. I don't expect her for at least a month, and I can only hope the fixing won't be too expensive, though I'm already expecting a rather large bill. Now that I've been battling with my projects and my card (they all pull me in different directions and I'm trying to balance them all), and right now, on top of everything comes this surprise. Yeah, this sort of things come always in packs, I guess. However, heads up, we can manage and we will!

Talking with my Dad, I managed to get him to lend me one of his cars so I can drive to the office. Dad has two for reasons only he can understand (it's the kind of things people do at first when they get retired, don't have kids to worry about, still aren't taking that much medication and need to fill a void). He has a little one and a big one. I was rooting for the little one, though I don't like that very much (no car is like my Sookie), but I've got the big one, one I've never driven in my life. Since I'll have to use it tomorrow, I worked up some nerve and took it out today for a drive. Well, the clutch isn't in very good condition, and the shitf stick is rather problematic. I took it for a short ride and my arm already hurts! Dad said he will take it to the mechanic for fixing one of these days. Yeah, we all know when one of these days is. It's sometime around never-day.

What's most amazing is that my Dad really dislikes my car and has been using the happenings of these last days to start pushing his "lets buy a new car" agenda. Currently he's on the party of "I'll buy you a new car", so if you think that I should say "sure! if you buy it!" that won't help my cause. Dad buying me a new car means that he expects to pick it, but the main issue for me is that I actually love and I'm very satisfied with my car. She's 19 years old and has been holding up really well, the taxes I pay for her are rather low due to her age and market value, and even if this fixing goes up through the roof I would have spent less on her in total that I would have spent on a newer "better" car in the same period of time. Yes, Sookie's wheeldrive is a but harder than any of my Dad's cars', but it's still smooth, and her shift stick and clutch are fenomenal. Plus she sounds like a real car... and I love her.

Good Karma and Lessons Learned

Hello Everybody! Is there someone still here? Yes, I know, good question, but that's the way it goes. I haven't been around not for lack of topics - I think I actually have maybe some five potential topics post-it-ed in my filofax (one of them is about my filofax!) - but rather due to the lack of a proper feeling towards writing. In other words, as some of you know it all too well, I had been under the weather due to my work conditions lately, none of which were due to my fabulous boss. The change had been bad, to say the least, but I found inspiration in the example of many revolutionaries who had the courage to change the tide, stand up to the forces that seemed undomitable, and remaining always honest to themselves, showing an unbreakable integrity. Against all odds, I decided to follow their example, be true to myself, honest and don't lower my head, always proud of my ideals, my fight and my believes. As result, I managed to get a swap, and I'm moving to a another department, one to which I had secretly wanted to go for quite a while. Yes, there is karma, and this is it! ^_^

Things haven't been arranged the best way. The move was speedy, but terribly executed, which up to this point doesn't affect me anymore, but it might affect my boss. Now, we can't have that, can we? So I'll delay my much awaited departure to do things the way I've always done them: properly.

I'm free. I breathe freedom, and with it I feel all my chances high. I'm full of energy and I'm tackling my old projects, taking up where I left and going.  However, as this time has passed and this ordeal has been crossed and survived, many lessons remain in my soul for me to meditate about. I've learned to value courage, to put words and ideals into actions, to act upon my believes and to renew faith in honesty. Many people always count on what others can do for you, and by this I learned that though faith in others doesn't need to be abolished, instead of placing your hopes above all on what others can do for you, you must strap on a pair and start by acting, by moving, by doing what's right, what puts you in the path you want to walk.

Revolution. Yes, many will tell you that "revolution" is a dirty word, that it depicts the terrorist of our time, the dictators and the people who seek to destroy the world. Not one will tell you that there's no greater symbol of rebelion and revolution than Satan. When those words ring in your ears, when they tell you to bow your head, accept your destiny and above all stay away from rebelling, from strinking a revolution, remember Spartacus, the French Revolution, Our Nation's Forefathers, who fought for our Independence, the Sufragists, each courageous woman fighting for our rights, Martin Luther King, Martin Luther also... It's not the rebelion for the rebelion, the revolution for the revolution, is the means and the courage and the conviction that supports what we believe to be right.

I've earned a victory in this battle, but now I see that there's more to keep fighting for. It's not me and my job, it's US and OUR PLANET.

Blessed Ostara

It's a Pagan Celebration again, and thus I post for sure ^_^. Today we celebrate Ostara, also known as Vernal Equinox, or Spring Equinox. A year has two equinoxes, one in Spring (Ostara) and one in Autumn (Mabon), and during these days the day and the night are supposed to be of the same lenght. From the Vernal Equinox on - or Ostara - the days become longer than the nights and will remain so until the Autumn Equinox.

Given the situation I've been through since February, I'm taking this celebration as a sign of hope. This year, Ostara means for me that it doesn't matter how long the darkness, the sadness and the difficulties might have been or looked like or felt like, in the natural cycle of life everything evens up, and soon the light, the Sun and the warmth takes over. Goodness doesn't get leveled down by Evil, because Nature in herself is good, but the forces against it, though allowed to exist, do get evened up.

How will I celebrate? Well, I wanted to make little bunny rolls, but there's no flour at home and I've been too busy to get some, and too tired to consider baking bread. So I guess I'll grab my lavender and sage seeds and plant them, then make myself a boiled egg and meditate on the lenghtening of light and how all the positive energy of the universe flows gently into our days to make them better. :-)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

And here we are, once again, celebrating St. Patrick's Day. ^_^ I'm wearing my beautiful St. Patrick's necklace, with was a gift from my talented friend Dragonfly-cr. The other day I met with her and we exchanged belated gifts. She gave me to simply gorgeous green necklaces, and when I say "gorgeous" I mean "drop dead, they are so Beautiful!". She told me that her sister asked her why both were green. I guess her sister doesn't know me well yet, otherwise she wouldn't ask ^_^. In case you don't know either, let me tell you: I looooooooove green. Green is my absolute most favorite color in the whole wide would. 

A couple of year's ago - I think - I went about the meaning of this day and all, so I won't repeat myself. This year this day comes to me with just fabulous chances and ideas. Things are chaning around me, and the bad strike seems to be straightening out. However, this change comes also from a few changes in my perspective. I've been thinking, and I realized that I should take action  - a much more active role - in the things I'm interested in. Now, I don't mean by things that I haven't been taking action in my life and working to make things happen, I mean that I realized that sometimes you must blow the "strategy" out of the window, roll up "diplomacy" into a little ball and slam dunk it into the waste basket, because sometimes you must dig into your closet, put on your combat boots and smear your mouth with the red lipstick our feminist foremothers called "war paint".

Some of our modern age gurus say that change is inevitable, but how come when we wait for it it never seems to arrive? Well, because sometimes we are the agents of change, we are the Ax of God and the personification of His Will. Sometimes we are the motors, so when change should come and doesn't seem to, dig out your war colors, paint your mouth red to make your manifesto stand out, strap on your boots, your war heels, and stand your ground with conviction. Sometimes we must exercise patience, but some others we must defeat fear, untangle from the tentacles of cowardice and bring out the warrior in us, the one that says that's better to die on your feet than live on your knees. The one that bathes in flames, that takes hope as an invitation for action, the one that is infused with a sense of justice and keeps pushing.

Bring out your inner warrior and see the world change around you. Be your own hero.

Lessons of a Week: Love and Friendship

I had this good idea for a post, but first I went to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of coke. As I did, the coke bottle got empty, so I washed it and took it out to the little warehouse - more like a ware-shack - where we collect them to later on take them to recycling, or use them to carry water to a tiny lot my folks bought, to water some plants we have over there. The cats were out, basking in the sun, and I couldn't stop myself from taking off my flip flops and walk barefoot on the grass, sit with them, and play with them a little. Then I came back, stared at the blank screen and thought: "So what was I going to write about?". And I can't remember what was it, but it was good.

So I'll tell you about a couple of things that happened in the past weeks (this is the good thing about not writing everyday, that things tend to accumulate and so you can write down all your chewed and processed thoughts about them), which may or may not help others.

This week, as we all know, was St. Valentine's Day. I prepared in advance for the first time, and actually sent my handmade cards in time. I just got reaaaally behind with the cards and the little presents for my friends close by. :-) Of course I was also up to my eyeballs in work, but that's really no excuse. I do am out of pink cardboard or pink construction paper, which is what I use to make my cards, but stuff for friends can be done in other colors, right?

As part of a penpalling group on Facebook, I realized for the first time how other people actually perceive St. Valentine's Day, and it was a bit shocking - truth to be told - to find so many people down right disliking the celebration. Certainly it does have a very commercial feel to it, but then again what doesn't have it these days?

You see, celebrations like St. Valentine's, Women's Day, Labor Day, Children's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and even the Day of the Dead isn't about remembering love, work, women, children... only once a day, BUT it's a moment to reflect on it. If you reflect on it daily, well good for you, but most of us have many, many things in mind and a day when we are made aware of the love in our lives, or the children around us, is a great break from our rutine to reinforce or even review our perspective about them. Also, it often gives you a chance to once a year celebrate with those closest to you, because let's be honest, unless you are freaking wealthy, you don't have nor the time, nor the energy, nor the resources to celebrate your Mom or your Dad every day or every week. This is a perfectly valid excuse to make something extraordinary that would stand out of the ordinary days.

Well, this year - aside of my arduous preparation - St. Valentine's brought more meaning to my life. For once, my boyfriend wasn't here with me to celebrate - like last year - and may I say that he's an absolute and total darling, and I so adore him! So I found myself missing him - which is new for me, because I normally don't miss people all that much. I just don't, because normally I feel so connected to people that it's like they are always there. But this time, as our rutines have been integrating so much, I do found myself missing him. Miss him not picking me up at work, or not finding him at home. Miss not going with him to do groceries, or going to the beach, or even getting home, lay on the bed reading and watching TV all the while knowing he's in another room playing computer games. So, this year I learned the value of missing someone and why you do it.

As part of the "missing", I also had the chance to learn a lesson on letting go what no longer adds anything positive to my life. In a really ugly way, I realized in the week before St. Valentine's Day, that the one person I considered once my best friend, the one who had disappointed me deeply and yet I still had lingering feelings for her due to our 22 year friendship, is someone who doesn't worth my time anymore. Yes, you know who I'm talking about, so no names are needed. Her compulsive lying, and her lying on things I knew very well - and I told her so - broke the branch of our friendship to the point of me no longer being able to consider her "my best friend".

Anyway, then came the lying and the improbable things, the deception and all that you know from previous posts. Things went eroding and eroding to the point of "she's no longer my best friend, but a friend" and then to the point of "the less I see of her the better". But why I - who so strongly advocate for terminating relationships that no longer pull their worth - wasn't terminating it for good? Well, because it was a really long friendship and in a way I continually looked back to that friend I had once, I kept remembering all the good, and though I didn't refuse to see what was there to see, I wanted to believe that it was just a phase, a sickness if you will, and that good friends stick through good and bad and help each other.

If this rings a bell for you as well, let me give you a piece of advise I learned the hard way: you are a friend, not a professional helper. As a person, there's only so much you can do, and often, when you don't know how to help, but you try anyways, you do more damage than good. Being there for a friend who's doing something unhealthy or not good, isn't always the best way to go, because you could be reinforcing the bad habit, making them believe that it does bring the desired result, thus prompting them to go further instead of breaking with the habit and looking for a way to recover their lives. I didn't get this right with this friend. I really thought that maybe, if I supported her, if I was a friend for her, if I did my best to help her without being invasive in her life, but not nodding to all of her crazy ideas, than maybe she would find the strenght to straighten up her life, get back on track and go back to be the wonderful person I once met and whom I've loved since.

Things came crumbling down when a few weeks ago another friend of us needed a lawyer to get some papers for her tax declaration. A friend and I, both friends of this person, thought of her, because she's a lawyer (she hasn't have a job in the last eight or nine years, though she claims she hasn't have a job for two year, and all this time she has been trying to stay afloat by doing independent work). We didn't hear of our friend (the one who needed a lawyer) again until she started calling us and writing to us desperately because this person wasn't replying her messages nor returning her calls. As it happens, she walked away with the money without having done the job.

Memories came to me about an acquintance once speaking ill of her, telling me how she had walked away with the money of a client and leaving the job undone. I had confronted her then and she swore upon everything that it was a lie. Well, that was a lie too, because she had no remorse in taking from a new client $100 and walk away, and also making two of her friends look bad. It was the first time I came in contact with the kind of job she does, and... she turned out not only to be a disappointment as a friend on the personal level, but also an irresponsible professional. This emptied the room I had for her in my heart, cut off the last piece I could hold into.

As St. Valentine's Day rolled in, as she stopped answering my messages and calls to please give back my friend her money, realization also hit hard: you could see some people as your friends, but they may not see you the same way. She and I are no longer the girls we were when we met. I grew up into who I am now, an imperfect person who believes in hard work and does her best to remain consequent in her speech and actions - thus valuing integrity very high - , and she became a lying, cheating disgrace. St. Valentine made me remember, reflect about my real friends, what friendship is, and how clinging and living in the past isn't a part of the spirit of this day.

I took thus my Friend-Axe and chopped off all those acquintances that no longer add to my life. She was finally cast away, her name struck from my calendar. Others went too, those who proved to be two faced, who point fingers at others for the crimes they themselves commit, but also those who are no longer part of my life.

St. Valentine's post comes late, butI really needed time to process all this inside of me first.

Blessed Imbolc!

After a year of blogging everyday, it feels like I've never said "it's been a while", and after nearly two or three weeks, I feel already like saying "Boy! It's been so long!". Well, this only shows how relative time is. However, relative or not, my time has been positively consumed at the office, and not always in a positive way. Now there I can say that it's been a long while since I had to work in such mindblowing conditions. Remember when I used to bitch and bitch about the work? When I was with my previous boss? Well, it's like that all over again, and we are not talking about the same person! (That boss, actually, has been recently demoted. The people he had at his charge were taken away from him, and I heard that he's now working as a sort of assistent, so that he can keep his large salary, but by now everybody knows what kind of "good work" can they expect from him.)

The current situation is so creepy, so exactly the same that still, you can't really believe it's happening. For instance, truth to be told, I'm not needed by this person, who is not my direct boss, but's ripping me away from my direct boss, who is an angel, BUT she needs to keep me. Why? I've heard she has beef with my boss, so she wants to get back at him by hacking his team to her liking, but I wouldn't say that's the matter. If it were, she would be much more aware of my capabilities, and wouldn't be throwing at me stuff I have no idea how to do. Really. Not only that, but she's sending my way some really delicate tasks that demand years of experience and a higher paycheck, as they, well, require a much higher level of responsability than what my current paycheck covers.

The situation is bad, looks dark and endless, and yet, a little spark of hope is flaming up in the distance. This is what Imbolc brought to me this year.

You see Imbolc marks that day when even you are still in the arms of Winter, you know that it won't take that long for the Spring to come. The nights are still long, but they have been drawing shorter and shorter, and the days are lenghtening slowly but surely. The world isn't an endless night, marked by leaking darkness and only memories of the summer days, but the balance is slowly restoring. And though the nights are still larger than the days, Ostara is coming closer and closer and soon the days will equal and then pass the nights.

I had hoped to spend this day with some friends, but things came out differently. Instead I stayed at home and worked on an order of 12 lanyarns ordered by different friends and friends of my friends. I guess this little side business has taken off. Now I can only hope the good times will last for a while and nor the orders nor my supplies would diminish. See? There's a little ray of hope!

I've been reading "Catching Fire" lately, and I love it! I have it by lending it from Amazon.com, which is something you can do with a Prime Rate Membership. However I'm considering ordering it from Libri, which is a Hungarian bookstore. The books would remain in Hungary, of course, but then, by being in Hungarian, my boyfriend could read them, and I bet he would like them. :-) Or at least I hope.

I haven't completed many of my tasks from my latest List of 13, but hopefully I'll get around those soon enough. Some are really fascinating, like going to the movies - I decided I want to watch Hansel & Grettel - and others are just wonderful, like drawing, working on a piece of literature - hope the muse is willing - adding to the Book of Ideas and what not. These are all things I love, things I look forward to, but why I don't get around to do them? Because I get moody and tired during the weekdays and on the weekend all I want is to sleep. So, I guess I have to pull myself out of this and keep with my List, refusing to all of the annoying elements of my life the satisfaction of making my days less bright.

It's Imbolc, and like the world, I'm waking up to the sense that it might still be Winter, but Spring is certainly on the way.

Blessed Be All!