May 30, 2008

Tropic of Cancer

07:24 hours. I came to the office, put my things down, washed my "Arte Venezolano del Siglo XX" mug and started started the primal programs in my computer. Microsoft Outlook, Windows Media (to listen to some online radio), Internet and opened my work as well. Sophie West keeps sending me invitations to participate in a "Dark Fibre" convention, to which I evidently won't go because a) what the fuck do I have to do with fibre, and b) because my superiors are so wrapped in the concept of "trip" they don't care about the content or importance of the seminar, only the fact that it is "outside the country" and so they rather go themselves. Sad but true. Have no idea who this Sophie person is, or where did she get my address and thinks that I'd be interested in fibre, so I keep erasing her e-mails. Kinda sad, I guess, that there's people trying to "fish" interested parties to events such as this, and in this way. It's kind of like throwing a party and screaming in the street: "someone please come to my birthday party!". Wonder if they have me listed for the time I was researching on mobile data globally, or when I was doing the Roaming research.

Oh well, I poured myself a mug-full of coke and started with my daily "fill up". E-mails, newspapers... CNN's headlines talk about a new tribe discovered in the Amazonas (great! May we offer them 3G mobile services with great coverage and e-mail accounts, websites so they can sell their work to the outside world online?). What may be life like cutted out from this world? Deep in the jungle, not knowing about gas and gas prices, young men and women aimlessly diying in a war staged for the profit of a few, AIDS eating away continents, thousands of people dying for natural phenomenons, and all sprinkles over with "Sex and the City", the movie. My Haiko Pet, Locky, got a bowler hat from a friend... and they I, for some unknown reason, checked on Amazon. Once there, I was caught by a recommendation of "Tropic of Capricorn" by Henry Miller, whom I've started to like due to what I read of him in Anais Nin's journal. I decided to check out the other too, "Tropic of Cancer" and ading them into my cart (which is already $100 heavy). I went to check out the comments, and was kinda surprised to see one star ratings. What the fuck, I decided to read some of those comments. When it's a gay book, or some modern book, I pay close attention to these ratings because there you know what can you hate from the book, and so decide whether it worths to buy it or not. (I must admit, sometimes those one-star comments have sold me the book. when I'm seeking for fluff and sexy, someone commenting to some book with a title like "Horny Boys Get it Going" that "it's just sex, sex, sex and no plot at all. Disgusting sex, extremely graphic and long. I wanted to read a story, not a compiling of the cut out scenes of the gay Kama Sutra"... need I say more?)

Henry Miller is a classic of the XX century, so who could think little of him? Well, not everybody likes him. The main thing going on about this book was that it was an egotrip of a jerk, a chovinist pig, who uses his book to go on a misogynistic rampage, talking only about himself, dosing graphic sex freely and thinking he's much like Rimbauld. Now, as far as I understand, both "Tropic of Cancer" and "Tropic of Capricorn" are "portraits if June Edith Miller, Henry Miller's second wife. he was having a very unpretty moment in his marriage when he was writing both those books, so yeah, it might have come out cutting. These books show th mind of the author and I believe it is brave of him to expose even his unpretty side, things that might be criticized by others (like it has happened). So he hates women. So what? I dislike a lot of people based on prejudices, but hey! that's me. The right of living is not deceded upon what I think or not. Misogynism do not disappear by not mentioning it, just like antisemitism do not go away by banning its public expression. Actually, things outspoken, placed in the open are easier to fight, because it becomes easier to target the problem and maybe even find the root of it. Work it, do not repres it. Then again, the man is dead, what are you gonna do about that?

I believe that book, just like Anais Nin's "House of Incest" is meant to me read seeing it as an expression of someone's mind, inner self and inner world. This is what goes inside people. I know you want us all to be pure and righteous, and pretty, and proper, delicate and polite and gentle, gathered, composed and all that crap, but even if the surface is so, the core is murky, dark and free, ugly and human. Unleashed and infested. This is a glimpse to who some are inside. Learn not to judge because that's your disgusting, maggot infested wound.

There was, however, one one-star comment that left me perplexed. The person was warning everybody that the book wasn't a GEOGRAPHY book and that it had nothing to do with the actual Tropic of Cancer. He has no idea who his fella is (Henry Miller), but better be warned: NO GEOGRAPHY! Please, try not to laught. My eyes are wide as I press my lips together to keep from bursting so loud the building would tremble. I only have one question: "who buys a book withouth reading at least the back cover?" On Internet yo can read what the publisher has to say. Didn't that give ya a tip? Perhaps we should warn this reader that "White Fang" by this fella, Jack London, isn't about orthodoncy. You know, just in case he finds the story of wolves slightly disturbing. Oh, and "Crime and Punishment" isn't a book of Law. Maybe we should also tell him that "The Capital" is not a guide to invest either... though you might be able to make some money with the practices depicted there somewhere where slavery ain't that "ilegal" or controlled.

May 27, 2008

Succumbed to Fair Games

How starved a reader must be to go for "Fair Games"? Shit, wasn't even that good, but honestly, I do have read every single existing piece of Krumggory ever written, and the sadest part of it is that I have written the 60-to-75% of it... and I'm the best of writers in the genre. No, ain't egomania or self-glorifying (I don't need it), but the ACTUAL AND ABSOLUTE TRUTH. morning_hell is good, really, she is, but her story comes ever once in a millenium and her quality has increasingly slumped with her last chapters. Would love to say otherwise, but this is it. Other than that, there's no Krumggory to be read in this planet. T_T Why, oh why am I not being showered with Krumggories? Why do I always have to love what's hard to get? Fuck it... You know, this is why I'm a writer, because if I want something, evidently I have to write it.

My head is already filled to the brim with snippets and stories, moves and pictures of great fiction. Oddly, I found myself writing a particular scene in detail in my journal, in Hungarian. The image itself is quite hot, two guys having sex against a wall, sweaty and glistening, with muted moans and only the sound of their hard breathing and the slapping of their flesh, but as I worded the scene in Hungarian I realized once again what I have always known: Hungarian makes it so much better. I'm one lucky bitch for knowing this fabulous, rich language.

The secretary, or assistant of the Director came to tell me that I'm moving to my new cubicle today. No more view, no more office, no more light for my own (which my boss seems to find so funny, though we were told the switches would be separated for the different cubicles)... then no more steps to climb, tow way in and out of the building, the possibility of total darkness, a space for a meeting area, view of everybody trying to make an exit of the building, a warmer place to work... it has its pluses and its minuses. In any case, where's the people to help me move? I have already detached my extensive post-it maps off the wall, packed what I could in the only box given to me.... where are the movers? The fuck with this fucking people...

May 22, 2008

hehehehe... take that

Boss: "Have you read the book I lent you on Starbucks?"
Me: "No. I've been busy."
Boss: "Doing what?"
Me: "Watching a series about gay men fucking."
Boss: O_O *shudders* ... *shudders again*

Hehehehehe... that will teach you about invading my free time...

May 16, 2008

Fag to the Rag

My friend Sandy, from South Africa said that my Haiko Pet, Locky Schönenreese, an adult gay bunny is quite a queer. Maybe too much "Queer as Folk" for us. I wouldn't say my pet is outrageously queery, but truth is that there ain't much nice options when it comes to pets and stuff for pets on this particular application. You have either blue or pink scarfs, and after I fought to have scarves for the pets, I was quite bound to get one for Locky. Now, Locky is BLUE, which doesn't make me happy because Blue and I don't get along. However, a blue bunny with blue a blue scarf would look... weird. Then again, I want to make him comfortable, and I ain't one to stand a poor pet out in the winter with no clothes, so I gave him his scarf to wear and a matching hat. He looks good like that. As for the wings, he had them there stashed for a while now, and it was time to put them back again, don't you think?

This app is really limiting.

Then I was thinking, what makes a pet "outrageously gay", and by default, what makes a person outrageously gay. We have a coworker here who is quite effeminate, but would hardly come out to any of us. It's not in the way he dresses, since I believe he dresses quite like everybody else, but more in the way he acts and how he moves and speaks. He has that "queery quality". It's fun because last time I checked, I believed that being "gay" was about "sexual orientation", not about how you dress. Then, I might be mistaken. Maybe whom you want to fuck affects your way of life. Your lifestyle is defined by whom you want to fuck. The way you behave is defined by whom you want to fuck. The way you think, you move, you dress, you speak, you eat, you choose, you laught, you chew, you buy, you drink, you smoke, you wipe your nose, you pick up the phone, you listen to music... all is defined by who you want to fuck. Shit, that damned motherfucker has some power upon us, don't you think?

I think we msut rethink and redefine the concepts we speak with, because stuff ain't fitting anymore.

The Suicide Teen Case

To my horror I read in the newspapers that Lori Drew has been indicted in the case of Megan Meier's death. If you remember, this is the case of a teen girl who commited suicide after her Internet boyfriend broke up with her and told her that the world would be a better place without her. It happened to be that this boyfriend wasn't really a "boy", but a character created in the Internet by a neightbour, Ms. Lori Drew. A little of quick history, it is said that Megan and Ms. Drew's daughter were friends until Megan decided that the Drew girl wasn't good enough for her new group of friends and dumped her. This upset the Drew girl, who told her mother. It is said that Megan spread malicious rumors about the Drew girl too. Other parents would say to their kids:

"Hey, that Megan is a bitch. Don't pay attention to her."

Personally, I would say to my kid:

"Don't get mad, Baby, get even."

Ms. Drew did what she believed to be the best, or who the fuck knows what she believed, but she wanted to get even. So she did what every fucking body in the Internet does: she created a character to do her job. She sought a way to get to Megan the way Megan got to ger daughter and then give her a taste of her own medicine. It wasn't like she went out there to kill the girl, that the girl did by her very own, and maybe even with the moral support and emotional help of her parents. Indeed Ms. Drew did a very immature thing, but if people would get indicted for being immature, then everybody should be in jail. However, this woman is getting indicted for something more than the 90% of the Internet users do: create an Internet personality. Seriously, what's so fucking wrong about that? Look at the Facebook, for instance: there are people with more than one profile, putting all kinds of fake pictures and even harassing other users. Are they getting indicted? No. Furthermore, do users go killing themselves? No, and if they do, nobody cares. Everybody knows there's a degree of lying in the Internet, in everybody you meet, and even if they are completely honest, you don't believe all they write because most people lie, and you have no means to get to know the truth. If Megan wasn't aware of this or wouldn't admit to it, it was much her own problem.

I believe that if they go prosecuting Ms. Drew, they should go one by one prosecuting everybody who uses the internet creating bogus profiles and saying mean stuff to people. I could put up a list to help, if you want. But all that is bullshit. They are merely trying to fry Ms. Drew for something that was entirely a Meier fault.

I wonder, what would have happened if Josh were real. Would they indict him? Based on what? Because at the end of the day it's all about Megan killing herself. But what killed her? "Josh" breaking up with her or more her low self esteem, which Mrs. Meier aknowledged her daughter suffered from since her childhood, to which added as defusing devise her own mother not listening to her? The "Josh" character made her cry, but her mother's unability to comfort her, talk to her was what ultimately sent her upstairs to hang herself. How can a decent parent watch his or her own kid struggle with low self esteem and do nothing?

If you ask me who killed Megan Meier, I have an answer for you: The Meiers.

I hope fervishly that Mr. Drew gets absolved of this ridiculous indictment.

May 15, 2008

Misjudgement

I must wonder, have I misjudged Anais Nin's writings? I imagined her books and stories to carry on the overly romantic, idealizing style of her journals, but it doesn't seem so as I page through one of her book, "House of Incest". A strange title that gives you a whole world of wicked ideas (even more wicked now after the Fritzl case...), but it isn't so. Her writing is far stronger and collected, more unanimous and "imposing" than her journal. Her journal... her diary is such a soft collection of human flaws! Beautiful, yes, but HUMAN, human above all, with things that make you want to slap her in the face and tell her "oh grow up already!". Filled with insecurities and dark spots of which people usually keep silence. Well, it's a journal, and she takes the bravery of putting down things, admiting them to herself and then to the rest of the world. Would anyone ever dare to such things?

Judging by her journal, I imagined her novels and stories be just as candid, as soft and "boneless" as her entries. Soft and delicate, yearning to prove herself strong when she is soft and fragile, and aware of her nature, her image, she strugle yet to project a different image, an antagonic image without breaking the one she is and she has grown into. The eternal strugle between the human and its many masks. Who is Anais Nin? Which one? Is she any of these? Has she grown up from the girl that loved and feared her father? Has she evolved from her eternal, romaticized, bonding Electra complex? In the pages of her journal, she remains this XX century Electra, soft and caring, loving her father from far, scared of him, resenting him, ahdn yet yearning his aproval as she learned from her mother and her environment. But her books... in her novel she doesn't question "Who is Anais", but Anais is the axiom that defines the universe. Alpha and Omega, and she makes her mind and her vision into a ubiquitous rule inside vibrating pages of strenght and color, sophisticated words that wove themselves into the threads of forward, passionate energy. Beautiful, lifting. She don't question, she creates and defines and the world becomes a space thickly filled with her. You breath her, drink her, live her and eat her, and there's nothing but her, so hard, so strong so there, it is impossible not to see her big and dominating, managing that perfect balance between far and sophisticated with ubiquitous and self assured.

If June would have met this Anais, the story would be different. Oh Anais, why couldn't you be more yourself?

May 14, 2008

Things I'm not Interested in:

  1. Getting a degree in Law in Costa Rica, where I won't live long enough to practice Law
  2. Hearing all the bullshit you try to feed me
  3. The engineering shit Kustra "teaches" in that fucked up online class at the ITU.
  4. What you think about "this and that".
  5. The music of series, ovas, and that stuff. Really, get a life outside the screen.
  6. "Why X-Y is hot"... this is my "I really don't give a flying fuck" face
  7. Lior Assury
  8. Stephen Covey
  9. Customer Experience
  10. How great you are at your job (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No really, I don't feel like comedy.)
  11. You greeting me.
  12. You saying hi
  13. You flooding my MSN, Google Talk, e-mail and then asking me if I have Skype so you can load that up too.

Fuck off, really.

May 13, 2008

Buckle the Beer

There's this article on CNN about this dude in Australia who buckled up a 30 can carton of beer, but let a five year old unbuckled in the car. How could someone do that? Easy. People think like this:
  1. The kid has arms to hold himself. The beer has no arms.
  2. The kid can think and take care of itself. The beer can't.
  3. I can tell the kid to sit tight and behave. I can tell nothing to the kid.
  4. I had to pay to get my beer. Kid came for free.
  5. After I had the kid, I had to pay for it. I paid for the beer and after that it's only free pleasure.
Fuck yeah more than one motherfucker would secure the beer!

I think it's not a matter of being horrified for this incident, but more a matter of realizing all the things we do we shouldn't because "nobody is looking" or because "it ain't as dangerous as people say", such as crossing highways on unmarked points with cars rushing up and down at full speed... with kids. Oh, I have seen that many times. Play with the kid in the car while you are driving and the car IS in movement. (My dad does that all the time, no matter how many times I tell him to keep his fucking eyes on the fucking road.) Get into the wrong line to cut some traffic because "nobody is coming the other way".

This from the top of my mind.

I still have like... oh well... 13-7= 6 chapters to go from the last season of Queer as Folk. After that I believe I'll be free to do as I please and take better care of my blogs, my writings and my friends. finished the book Roo left for me, "Bareback", and I must say, it wasn't that impressive. Really. Now I'm continuing with the Diary of Anais Nin. Forgot how nice was it to read her journals. Her image is so fragile. It seems to me she needs to be fragile and delicate in order to survive in the world she has embedded herself into. She seeks to be strong, but also stays away from actual expressions of strength as if the toughtness of it would mash the fragility of the persona she has built to be. Deeply interesting.

As I read her lines, I can't stop thinking of Carrie and Marie-Joséphine. Marie-Joséphine is definitively the "June" for her compulsive lying and her need to pretend to be someone she's not and Carrie is definitively the "Anais" for the weakness of her character, in what personality and behavior respects, but as we gain introspective into Anais' mind, she has a lot of other people I know. Mostly Carrie, even in things such as her need to evade direct questions and don't open up about who she is.

On the other end of the scope, the book I have been having trouble to read, there's "Suite Française", where a truly though yet refined Irene Némirovsky develops for us a word of burgeoise absurd in the face of the war, death and destruction of all posessions and symbols, where status is trying to be grasped, held by some tiny corner and carried through. Common sense is defied by prestige, image and social structures. Strenght can live in a woman without making her less a lady. A warrior, a fighter is not a bad kind of woman, only a different kind. In the books I have read of witchcraft (research for a novel, you mind), there's this idea of the "goddess" as maiden, mother and old woman. Kind of what we all women are, and actually what we all are, as mankind. We are all the maiden and the lad, the mother and the father, the wiseman and the wise-woman. However, the world wants to see only the maiden and only the lad or the father. All other aspects of people are nicely tucked away. Anais talks about the strong woman she is or has inside, which I perceive more as a survivor rather than an out-there fighter. Certainly not someone to lead a manifestation, but someone to hold together a team that needs to get through something. Irene is both a survivor and a keen observant, a pointer, like a sniper that can't get herself to shoot. But her eye is on the target.

Books written by women have a taste... such a taste!

May 6, 2008

Some Nerve!!

" The call for international aid quickly became politicized. In Washington on Monday, first lady Laura Bush, long a critic of military rule in Burma, accused the country's government of failing to give a timely warning to people in the cyclone's path and of blocking delivery of international aid."


Burma Says Storm Killed 15,000
After Cyclone, Government Makes Rare Aid Request
Washington Post Foreign Service
Tuesday, May 6, 2008; Page A01

Two words, Ma'am:

Hurricaine Katrina

Some nerve criticizing other Governments when her husband's failed MISERABLY at atending the Hurricaine Katrina situation. Burma has requested aid, has counted the dead and has some number about the missing. Do we know how many people died in Louisiana due to Katrina? Do we know how many went missing? We won't forget either how after the Hurricaine was gone, people was still dying because they were shot dead in the streets by the police! Mayhem, lack of organization, absolute disregard of the conditions, no aid.

This is the United States of America.

How DARE you point fingers when you are letting your own people rot and die? How dare you criticize when you won't help your own brothers? You "fight" terrorists, but truth is, you are the terrorists. If the U.S. is under attack is because you are attacking it. Why can't you just let Americans live and be happy? Stop exploiting them, squeezing them to make your business bigger. This poor people has suffered enough.

Have some shame.