The Fixings

Property of Stormberry

The leaks in my roof have been fixed, and I hope they stay so for a while. What a relief! The people making the fixing had to come out three times to finally get all the leaks dealt with. Now only the windows need sealing. I actually messaged them today and got a swift reply after they have been silent for almost twenty days, while the rains poured and the water filtered and ruined the paint on my walls. Oh, on that note, it's worth noting that my chocolate brown walls get very marked with water, which I don't really get. The outside dark grey walls hold well their color, and so the medium grey ones. If it were because "the rain washes them equally" it wouldn't be so as the rain doesn't always falls the same way, and some parts are not touched while others are. So why are the brown walls getting so damaged with the rain water?

But anyway, we are moving ahead and my house is standing strong and lovely, and we are both growing more and more into who we are. I'm so happy with my house!

I'm not out of the woods yet, as I had a lot of expenses, and I had to make decisions about how to finance them. Nothing I can't manage, rest assured, but I decided to use my credit card again while I get over the current bump. Some things, after all, have to be dealt with switfly, and some instruments can be used to such matters, as long as we keep them well watched. Yes, it makes me uneasy, mostly because it was not part of my plans to use my card again, but one needs to deal with the cards one is dealt.

On that same line, as I was going through dealing with uncomfortable situations and things that prick at my sense of order and comfort, this friend was brought back into my memory. I have written or alluded to him here several times, and has been quite a fixture. Though I want to think of him as a good person, truth to be told, if I want to be impartial, I believe I don't have enough elements to call him so. Maybe it is the way he is around me - because, honestly, I am a menacing person for him -, but be it as it is, I'm more inclined to say that he is a toxic sort of person.

Now, as you know, I believe in magick, signs, cosmic connections, spiritual phenomenons and the such, so for a while now I have tried to understand why had this person been so mingled with my life, and have always stirred such strong emotions. Emotions that I shall clarify, are not always positive. I mean, I like him - I do like him - but I also can't stand him. So why the push-&-pull? Did I want him in my life? Did I not? Did I want him as friend, as partner, as occasional fuck or as a distant memory of the past? Why did I find it so hard to let him go? Why did I go to such extents as I did for him? What has happening there?

I'm a Cancer Sun, Gemini rising and Leo Moon. Yes, it may not make sense to many, but I'll say this: for years he has been playing my Cancer (as in playing my emotions), and my Gemini (my communicative and knowledge thirsty part), by a very bizarre game of choosing words to keep me hooked like a writer of a cliffhangery pulp fiction, but also by not telling me ever much of the information. Then again, though it has been hard to come to terms with my Gemini (a lot of people I don't like are Gemini), my twins are quite a resourceful and twisted pair, and so... we did LOTS of research. Yes, that also kept me hooked, but also started opening my eyes to the fact that there were things there that were not kosher. I paid attention, I started to see the cracks, and I believe that's what kept me (in part) from falling into his game.

But I still was hooked for quite a while. It was one of those messy tangles where you know that it's not what you want, there's nothing really there that you could want in your life, but "something" keeps you there and you can't quite figure out why.

He was here at my home visiting in the begining of June and brought me an early birthday present (even though I am positive I had told him that I am picky about my birthday and I celebrate it only the day it is). The present was a book and a bottle of wine. Thoughtful, yes, and exactly what I have gifted him the last two birthdays of him. And then he was nice and all, but also made sure to include just a hint of insulting or - at least, derogatory. I know well that he takes to heart each time I have pointed out to the flaws on his thinking, work or skills, and I also know this is his pety way to try and get back to me, even though at times he has to invent an alternative reality just to point out a flaw in me. (Like the time he told me that one doesn't "eat different kinds of meat for one meal", just because I offered him chicken stock before a main course consisting of beef. Yeah... I believe he hasn't heard of paella, or burgers with bacon... or just about any meal with more than one course.)

So far, though his petiness annoys me, I just booked it as "him being stupid because he doesn't know better and has lived so far trying to be someone he's not, that he can't turn back and try to be himself". However, this month something happened, a shifting.

As I was working and dealing with the last of the second quarter of the Master's program, and dealing with the leaks on the roof, and the leaking windows, solving the financial situation and so on, he came to my mind, and just as I was solving all my issues and finding out that I can solve these things without having to run to my dad or my brother, it kind of landed on me: this friend has the bad habits of my father and my brother. The lying, the gaslighting, forcing his ideas on others like they are truth, unwilling to learn from others, or accept that others might be right, unwilling to accept that they are wrong, and when proven wrong going pety, bringing up over and over uncomfortable events of the past which they twist to fit their narrative, going as far as turning a happy memory or even a moment of confusion into something to be mocked of.

Through the days I have found that this person had all these qualities, and I understood: he was put in my life so that I can see that and work on my shadow. And let all that go. That was why I couldn't let him go, because I wanted to fix or defeat in him what I find so disturbing in my own family. And the lesson, I'm finding is, that their qualities are not my problem, and I can walk away or call them out if I like.

I had read the book he gave me, and found it awful. Then I also saw the book in the big scheme of things: he had been for a while trying to copy the main character of that book, which was particularly sad.

As I think about him, I feel no tendrils of attachment anymore, but rather a neutral void, like standing on an edge where a bridge used to stand, where there is no longer a bridge, but which lack you can't see because it's all drowned in a fog. I don't eeven miss it.

I think I am finally over.

Rainy August

Property of Stormberry

 I had a reading last month with Madi Murphy, an a-mazing intuitive astrologer, and I had a hoot at her reading! She has a podcast and I TOTALLY recommend it to... everyone?

Like I said, the reading was fantastic, but on a bit of a forecast she warned me about the period between mid October to mid December, as it was going to be a trying time. She told me, thought, that even though it would tax me, I should not worry because I had what it took to go through it, and that I should just let myself go with the flow. If you know me, that's easier said that done, as I am the flow. And, of course, it got me worried.

Well, this month things got a tad... unpleasant. It has been raining quite hard, and we even had hailstorms. And well, I found out that my windows have not been sealed as they should, and rain pours through the frames. But also, I found I also had some leaks on my roof. I was very worried because curretly my financial situation isn't the most comfortable, so I was quite anxious about the bill I would have to foot for the repairs.

Since this is a very important job and needs to be done well, I called a very responsible, trustworthy team, and they came yesterday and fixed my roof. And the bill was such that I could very much afford it. I was so happy because I didn't go over budget, that I decided to be  responsible person and save the unused part, and so I invested it. It's not much, and it will yield just a little of interests, it's a first step towards my future financial security. Savings always make me feel safe.

However, today the rain came and an old leak came back with vengeance. I felt like crying as I saw the water pouring down the ceiling over my staircase. It was far worse that before!! I quickly took pictures and called the workers, who had promised to come tomorrow first thing in the morning and fix with within the warranty of their job. Of course I'm still anxious about the leak, but I feel so much better now. Before them I had have issues with other worker teams that charged over and over for the same job, and in the end you had the feeling the problem wasn't so bad as much as they saw a chance to milk you for as much money as you were willing to fork over.

All the other leaks were solved, only this one got really bad, but hopefully, tomorrow this will be solved as well. I just hope my whammy period got scheduled earlier and this was all, because, really, I would rather not have to go through more worries for the rest of the year. (Or next year.) (Or the next ten years.) (Or the next twenty years.) (Or for the rest of my life. Yeah, that sounds about good.)

Morning Coffee

Property of
Stormberry

It's still early and the coffee I brewed maybe two hours ago stays still warm in my thermos. Another day working from home, from the couch, as I'm still carefully nursing my sprint ankle. Oh boy, will the days when I could walk normally again ever come back? Yes, those silly questions you pose yourself when a particularly inconvenient ailment afflicts you.

It's quiet. The cats are still not entirely used to their life outdoors, or at least Bonnie isn't, which annoys me to hell, with her incesant attempts to sneak back into the house. Not that I can afford it now! I finally uncovered my puzzle "in progress", and I can't have cats running around it or borrowing pieces to chew on. I want my Degas as intact as possible, thank you.

I'm making progress in the different tasks I have, and feeling good about it. I'm rethingking again and again my planner plans, what to do, how to fit the inserts, and whether should I and could I actually go for the coveted pear green A5 Malden Filofax. (I think not, I don't really need another binder).

I'll put on some soft, instrumental Jazz, sip my coffee and go back to work. After a bathroom break of course. An a short tour to the kitchen for some mixed nuts (no almonds, macadamias nor pecans!), maybe a kiwi, perhaps some yoghurt, and then back to the couch, the laptop and the ever present, life-infusing coffee.

Life is good.

Planner Thoughts

 

Property of Stormberry

Imagine we are back to these questions. Again. Not that I mind, but after several years of bullet journaling - a system that has worked for me, and which I like and in which I can find my way in - I decided I would like to go back to the regular planner inserts.

In this planner of mine, I have only once used regular inserts. When I first got it - in the end of 2016, so I used it fot 2017 - I ordered the planner with a Month on two Pages extra insert, and I replaced the vertical Week on two Pages it came with with a horizontal Week on two Pages from Saturnus, a brand of planners I found in Budapest, in one of the bookstores I visit (when I'm there). The vertical W2P it came with I gave to my friend Tina, who was the one who convinced me to get myself an A5 Malden.

Since that first time, I did bullet journaling, passing from one type of paper to another, and working on the way I wanted to lay all my spreads out. Going on and on and on, truth is that I ended up drawing all the month in a way that's exactly like a Month on two Pages refill. The daily part does change in size, as some days I have more tasks and others I have less. But then again, sometimes it happens that I have the same tasks, but some days I detail the parts and others I don't. Then it happens that sometimes I feel really like I don't want to do a thing, and so that day doesn't get written in. And then it has happened that I regret it, because later on I need to refer to that day (and I don't journal daily) and so I can't find anything for it.

The thing, though, that has been bugging me the most is the hability to plan ahead and to be able to build on my future plans. Let me explain you how this works for me. In some cases I have tasks and deliverables I know of ahead of time, like tests and papers for my studies. In some cases these can be complex or involve a lot of details. So, for me what I have done in the past was that I wrote the task or delieverable for the due date. That time (or a bit after) I completed my notes with more details. Then, as I've got inspired of heard some tips - or maybe the details of the task changed, I went to the date and added more notes. I didn't have to take care of it every day, I just did it on the days it came to my mind or when I felt like it. And I wouldn't worry, because they day I needed it to pop up, it would, with all the details. That I haven't been able to do with the bullet journal.

For instance, in a regular system, I would write into each day the papers and chapters I need to read for each class. With the bullet journal, I created a segment in my planner for the readings, and I couldn't even write down the papers in the whole detail. I did manage to check each time, and strike them out as I completed them, but it was bothersome. I had to fashion a sort of calendar just for the Uni because it didn't fit in the M2P I keep, and I had no dailies or weeklies in advance for that. It did work mind you, but I keep thinking that I made a whole new section just for this, when I could have had it in my daily or weekly set up, and work it much better.

And so, I've decided to step away from the bullet journal and join back the ranks of the Filofax refills... and all similar refills.

I do have thought of the Day per Page refills, but as reviewed my planner, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to slim my notes and inserts down to zero in order to make it work (specially because I do need my M2P and I need a couple of yearly calendars), so I think I'll go back to the Week on two Pages. The question now is, shall I splurge and buy myself a pretty, pear green A5 Malden or shall I just stay in my old one? And if I stay in the old one, shall I give the vertical W2P a try or shall I go with the good and trusty horizontal?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.