Filling up the Calendar

Property of Stormberry

 I was thinking the other day about comfort zones and why on Earth would anyone willingly seek to abandon their comfort zone. Don't you want to live in a comfortable manner? It does rub me the wrong way when the phrase "comfort zone" is used to refer to a place of destructive, stagnant mediocrity. In my mind, a comfort zone is like that perfect spot in the couch or the sofa, where you like to curl up with a book to read, where the coffee table or the ant table is at that right angle for you to put your glass of wine, your cup of coffee, light a candle and put on a John Coltrane record.

I think that, if you are in a comfort zone, congratulations! A lot of people struggle to find a comfortable, livable life, so don't give up yours.

I am in my personal comfort zone, and I don't plan on leaving it.

However, in my confort zone there are also places that need work and organization. Part of my comfort zone is my studying, which currently is about working on my Master's thesis, so I'm working slowly and surely on that. I'm also trying to add some social activism, because in my comfort zone I also want to be able to do something for my community. Yes, that might not sound as "comfort zone" for some, BUT my concept of comfort zone is about feeling good, being able to relax and enjoy myself, and is not about being lazy. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't condemn being lazy, just as I don't celebrate hyper productivity. Allowing yourself spaces to enjoy laziness, and even have lazy days are something we all need. My comfort zone is about being happy, enjoying life and building a life where I can think that I actually succeed at this "life" thing (and I do!).

Next week starts with a holiday - May 1st, the International Workers' Day - and then I took Thursday off for a Thesis Day. I'll have a meeting with my tutor, so I'm really excited. And on Monday, if all goes well, I plan on joining the Workers' March in order to protest against a bill that would legalize 12 hour work days (12 effective work hours per day, where lunch and rest time won't be deducted from it) in the country. That's my activism, and I intend on seeking ways to get more involved in labour economics' activism.

Since I started my second YouTube Channel, planner and journaling videos have been a weekly task for me, but this weekend and the next are already covered, as I shot, uploaded and programmed the next videos. However, I already planned ideas for videos for the next weeks and up to September. I started already shooting some B-rolls and planning on how to do the rest.

At work I've also been pushing on my tasks and working to keep everything up to speed, and maybe even get ahead of some stuff. Just getting ready with everything. We are finishing April and I have still managed to keep a clean mail inbox, where the only three e-mails are about a seminar in two weeks, an in-person meeting next week and a notificatoion I keep as reminder that someone else has to finish something. And we are nearly in May!

Have I mentioned that we are in Mercury Retrograde?

I'm also amazed at how I have managed to keep my filofax "in line", with all the pages neatly fitting, passing the "ring test". I remove pages as needed, review what I have, what I need to take out, what needs to be included, and so I keep it manageable. I play in my mind with crazy ideas, such as buying a Filofax Heritage in Personal, just to try it out, but I seriously doubt that day will come (this year). I have also thought of getting a Personal Filofax Malden, but I must admit that I really dislike the leather penloops of the Malden's because they catch inside and the folded leather bunches up and makes it hard to use. Maybe I'm getting much into the "Planner+Journaling Content Creator"-mode there in that regard, or maybe my mind if flying ten thousand ways for some reason. Maybe I need to burn mind-energy. But be it as it may, I've been on a planner hype as of late, inspite of the Retrograde.

I write things down, I update my online calendars to make sure all my witchy rituals are in there, so I don't forget auspicious dates and so on, and they also get into my filofax, along with my cleaning schedule. And this is how I opened my filofax to check how my next week will look like, and Holy Mother of the Wenn, it looks full!

Should I take a page from the message of the Retrograde and go inside, introspect a little, retrieve into myself and stop filling my calendar to the brim? After all, in keeping my comfort zones, I also need to enjoy the peace and delight of them, of a life happy, relaxed and sans souci.

Thoughts and Such

 

Property of Stormberry
Witch Kit by Casa de las Lunas, Costa Rica

I have a gozillian disconnected ideas in my head right now, and so, I'm going to go with them as I type. And on the subject of typing, I still think from time to time that I would like a typewriter, to use here and there, to have that lovely sound in my home, and maybe to work some of my creative projects there, like a XX. century writer. I already have an ashtray, a coffee mug, so all I need is the typewriter and the space to place it. 

I may have a "thing" with keys, as I also wanted so much a piano, and now, FINALLY I have a piano in my home. Not a small, portable, electric piano, but a real, vertical Sohmer&Co, 88 key piano. It still needs some fixing and tuning, and then I can start in earnest to download piano lessons and rescue my old, incipient knowledge about playing piano. I know that will take a bit of time - dependant mostly on the available recources to pay for the fixing and tuning - but I'm confident I'll get there.

Update on My Life

So, things have been going quite nicely, quite smoothly as of late. After the Holy Week holidays, things seem to flow nicely. Sure, there are still plenty of "real life concerns", or shall we call them "adulting stuff", such as managing money in the short, medium and long terms, planning for upcoming payments and so on, but with all of that included, life is really nice. Adulting doesn't bother me, which is nice, since I'm 47 and it means that by now, I have spent most of my life being an adult.

Property of Stormberry

These days have been very productive for me, and I'm so very happy for that. :) I've gone back into working on my thesis with renewed enthusiasm, as I've got a better footing and a clearer idea on where I want to go, and most importantly how I want to go. I still had not feedback from my tutor, but I'm working hard reviewing material and preparing my next chapter, so I can fully tweek up my research instruments (those would be my questionaires), select my subjects and proceed.

Next week I plan a thesis day, so I took the day out from work, and will go to the University, request the MSc office and work there concentrating ONLY on my thesis. And drinking free coffee. I know, my life is just fabulous, and I know it! I also plan to help out the librarian by participating in a small forum about books that have television series or Netflix series. Not that I have read that many, but that's what they want to talk about for their Book Fair Week. And if there are books available, guess who has two thumbs and is going to totally profit from it? (Me!)

Random thought: Bags

As you may know, I love watching videos about planners, journals and related stuff. Well, one of those related things are bags, and I LOOOOOVE bags. I am the kind of person that gives more attention to bags than to shoes. I mean, sure, I have shoes and some are... pretty? but shoes are not a passion of mine. Bags are a passion of mine, specially leather bags. I know, I know, leather bags are heavier, so they may not be the smartest choice for carrying the unholy amount of things I tend to carry with me, but I love them. I also prefer leather planners and leather bound journals... when I can find them, and the amount and quality of the paper fits my requirements.

Property Stormberry

Anyway, as result of this, by feed in YouTube is full of videos about planners, but also of bag reviews and what's-in-my-bag videos. I have been checking some of them, and I must say I enjoy so much the sound of zippers being pulled on lofty, leather bags, or the way the leather sounds when you are rumaging inside the bag, pulling things out or putting them in. Invariably, as result of me watching these videos, I end up cheching online stores of these bags, and then being quickly disenchanted, because the prices of the products are high.

Today was one of those days, where I watched reviews of Fossil bags, and I was so in love until I saw the prices. Then this got me thinking, as I actually have plenty of bags but don't use them that often as I work from home. But even when I used to commute daily to the office, I tended to pick one bag and use it ad nauseum, until, for some unfathomable reason I changed my bag. Slowly, I'm going out more - and for instance, for the Thesis Day I will pack up a bag and go to the Uni - but then I have realized that I also tend to use totebags as bags. And I mean those bookbag totebags, or shopping bag totebags. These make no sound, are not to supple to the touch, but have hardly any weight and I can pack them chock full with more stuff than any other bag in town.

Evidently, bags have a functional side to them, but boy, don't we love them when they are also pretty? And one thing totebags have, is that they can be so pretty and so expressive. Like t-shirts.

Do we Owe an Explanation to Everybody?

Around February I cut ties with someone who, up to that point, I considered a friend. It was a person that turned out to be a narcissist, and I'm not just saying that because now it's "fashionable to call people narcissist", as some think, BUT because this person fits the bill to a T. I left you a link in the word "narcissist" below if you want to check the signs of a narcissist in more detail. This person in question did check all the points, and funny enough, it took me years to realize that.

By February I already wasn't feeling like going out with this person as their antics were going trully annoying, and no matter how I tried to bring their attention to the fact that they things they said weren't nice, or the things they voiced were completely false, they didn't seem to care in the least, nor even aknowledge them. However, as January was coming to an end, this person did something that created great tension with a lot of people, and put others in an awful situation. This sounds ominous, so I'll explain: this person claimed a friend in common was organizing a grill party at their place for an event in February, and that we were all invited to go. The truth was that no such even was being organized, and this friend in common didn't have the means to throw the grill party. 

When confronted with the lie, this person doubled down and claimed it was the friend in common who had made the party into a much bigger thing than what it really was, because "you know how they are". I do know how this friend is, and is not like that. This fall in to many traits of the narcissist, such as the lying, the demeaning of others, as well as the fantasy life they build for themselves, not to mention the clear sense of entitlement they have by putting others to rush and organize the party they wanted to have.

Clearly, others had to rush in and call of a party that had never really been called in, explain that there had been no ill intention in "not calling them personally, because there have never been a party organized", and so on. The trait present here is that if not taking any responsability, not accepting criticism

Anyway, I told this person how all their lies had caused a conmotion and that I wasn't up to be used to in such a nasty way. They still pretended to be innocent, have no idea what had happened, it was not them, and so on. So, I stopped talking to them. They still sent a message weeks after, asking why was I upset, they have never done anything with any ill intention, and so on. And in a narcissist way, they said that they would "give me time" to get over it. Since when is my time theirs to give or withhold? In case you wonder, this is a trait of entitlement, which is one of the most common with this person.

Anyway, I went on ignoring them, and with time I went and blocked them off all platforms. Or almost all platforms. Yesterday this person went on Twitter and sent me a message there. Honestly, I didn't read it, I just blocked them and erased the message.

One of my friends, who know about this whole situation, asked me if it wouldn't be better to explain to them what's the case, so that they can move on. I think I could, but... have I not already done that? And to what effect? They kept replying and coming back with evident lies. Do I have to give them a chance to explain themselves? Why? I gain nothing from their explaining, specially because through the years I have seen them lie away all the criticism that has been given to them. I have heard them belittle the advise others have given them. Why would my observations have any other effect?

I think it's not a matter of whether others deserve explanations from you, but a matter of whether You think explaining yourself would be worth it. In this case, for me, any other word to this person would be a waste.

I share this will all of you, in case you are in a similar situation, and you are pulled in over and over by a narcissist person who demands that "you explain yourself" so that they can keep destroying you, belittling you, and pretending that your reasons are selfish or invalid. They are not.

Coffee table Thoughts

Property of Stormberry

 I'm elated today, as I managed to finish the context chapter of my MSc thesis. Such a small thing it seems for many, but such a huge one for me, as I was stuck, lost in options and completely paralyzed by the numbness of trying to write about something that never seemed to materialize before my eyes.  I had put to myself - finally -  a date for the chapter to be completely finished, also as a way to have some leverage when contacting my thesis director about retaking the work and pushing this project forward.

I have been working on this chapter for over a year, writing and rewriting, often feeling at loss, as the idea of what I want seemed to float before my eyes but bubbling so huge, there was no way to look at it and make it "doable". For bringing it into the world, I had the invaluable aid of my tutor, though I do believe he also had grand dreams about my research. He pulls more towards knowledge and education, while I pull harder towards the workforce and the labor market. It has been a complex mix, but we've been swimming around it.

As it happened, last year - for December - he asked to a "readable" context chapter, with whatever I had, and I was able to provide one 75% done. It entailed lots of cutting back, rewriting and reframing, and only the "education" segment was entirely missing. Then he was silent. But we were on vacations, so maybe there was that. On January I had to contact him again because we had to send an update of the advance, and he mentioned that he was out of the country "for a few months", and haven't checked what I sent him, "but he will soon, and send me his comments". I kinda freaked out, BUT up to that point I had not worked much on the last 25% of the chapter, contented with just checking data, websites, and collecting data here and there.

And time passed and I had no news from him, so I started to worry. I do like him very much, and I'm afraid nobody else would be able to understand my topic has he does, plus he has changed so much of my original proposal, that I now really need him to bring my vision through. So I wasn't looking forward to write to the University and inquire about him - I don't want to get him in trouble - but I need to contact him and get a reply. And so I devised this cunning idea: I'll finish the chapter, send it to him and ask him at once for a meeting to go over the chapter, the required corrections and the next step.

Living in a Catholic country, infused with the Spanish culture (or what's left of it), we had a Holy Week, which means a long holiday (completed with mandatory vacations), so I decided to take this Holy Week to dedicate to my thesis, to this chapter, and so I have. I organized the data, searched on the sites I had pegged for information, organized what I had, decided on a format that won't swell my chapter form 35 pages to 80 (originally my incomplete chapter WAS 80 pages with just the 50% of it), and so I worked really hard at it.

I finished the chapter today at noon, and printed it... kinda. I ran out of ink. Tomorrow - which is a National Holiday - I'll review it calmly, note stuff to fix, and then program an e-mail to be delievered to my director thesis on Tuesday (first workday) around 16.00 hrs (about when academic work starts), with the chapter and the meeting request.

Now I prepare my dinner, drink a beer and read Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D.H. Lawrence. I take small glimpses at the next week, thinking of a work meeting I don't want to have, because I know it's going to irk me (stupidity irks me), happy thinking that I would deal with the thesis procedures a day earlier, so I don't bother my tutor with untimely e-mails, while I won't add to my annoyance due to the meeting with my academic tasks pending. So, by careful planning and hard work, I'll be able to prepare for the annoying meeting, and have plety of cool-off time and cool-off chances.

Recently I also worked on a tentative terror short story, though I feel I'd like to work on a longer piece, a novel. I have loads of unfinished ideas, which I call "fragments", but also unfinished novels stashed around. Maybe I could work on that.

There is a delicious comfort around me, a warm softness and liberating solitude, full of books and journals and videos and spaces to express myself that make my life such a wonderful thing. Like walking in a soft soiled forest where even for the hardships and annoyances I can prepare myself so much better than those who live in concrete poured jungles.