Most people normally wake up and live their lives with a goal in mind, priorities about what they want from it. Most of us also have something that's more important than anything else, or at least something that means the world for us and that can make or break the whole sense of the universe for us. I'm one of those who put the whole world around work. Honestly, the idea of not being employed is pretty much there next to the Mayan End of the World. Others feel that way about not being famous, or not being kept by others, not having a family, not having the attention of everybody around them, and so on. There are also people who can fall into a deep personality crisis if they are not with someone.
Yes, there are people who need to be in a relationship. The type of the relationship might mean little, as long as they are in one and they can be someone's someone and have someone to the their own someone. We have the cases of the serial daters, people who go from one relationship to another in a matter of hours, not having been single for more than a week since they were 4 years-old. The lives of these people are hard to comprehend, specially for someone who might enjoy the time to be on your own, spend time with your friends and going home to feed the cat and fall in front of the TV with your more comfy and less sexy clothes in your closet, with a bottle of coca-cola and a pint of ice cream. Yes, and you are not depressed, you do that because you are feeling AWESOME and it feels good not to be always on your toes being prefect and orderly and healthy around others.
You wonder, are they really happy? Do they really know themselves? Do they find time - between the daily rutine and the eternally present someone, to discover themselves? Do they know what's like to go alone somewhere without agreeing with others first? Do they know what's like to go to the movies out of a whim, just because you saw the poster and you decided that you are going to watch that movie right now becuase it provoques you? And I mean, go and watch it without reaching for your phone to call anyone to tell them that you want to see that, or that you are going to be late. No, just go and watch it, without any previous pleading and convincing.
Do they now the superb feeling when you are doing the line at the movie theatre to buy your ticket and the woman behind you, clinging from the arm of the boyfriend looks at you with that "oh you sad, lonely, looser" look all over her face and you smile back with the "so, how much did you had to plead? Or was he who wanted to come? Do you know I can stuff my face with all I want from the candy store, because I don't have to keep up appearences?" glare, and that totally confuses the dating woman?
There are others who, having plenty of time to be with themselves and know themselves, spend all that time trying desperately to get someone to be in a relationship with. For these, not one of their decisions is without careful consideration about how can it better promote their goal of being in a relationship. They pick up a career at the University or College, where they can meet people who meet their requirements for dating - either potentially rich, potentially famous, potentially well connected, or simply because they are a lot and they are all datable - , pick up a place to work based on the same requirements... and even buy their underwear thinking about dating. These are the serial micro-daters, people who go out a lot, meet a lot of people but are never seen with anyone. They are probably on every social network available, and have profiles uploaded on several dating sites and clubs. Under the pretense of "looking for Mr./Miss Right", they are just looking for someone, anyone that's willing to stick long enough with them to get into a relationship.
Normally by the time they go on the first date, they know everything they want to know about the subject, and that first meeting is merely to state if the gathered information are real or not, and if the subject looks like it would endure the process of a relationship. Some of them look charming and truly seem to be paying attention to the other part, but what they are really doing is measuring up the situation. Their emotions are far from the date, far from the person and who that person is, and while they sit there sipping their drink, their minds are deep engaged in all sorts of strategies deciding whether this whole worths it, fit their plan or not.
What's wrong with this people?
Sure, most likely centering your life around anything - except, maybe, studying - is dangerous and stupid (even if you center your life around work), un in the case of dating, how can you wrap your whole existence about something you are destroying constantly? If you center your whole life around being in a relationship, have you wondered about the kind of relationship you are getting in? Have you noticed that pursuing your goal makes you into a horrible person that doesn't care really about the person you have next to you because all you care about is the relationship? I draw this conculsion this easily based on two simple facts: I've often heard these serial daters and serial micro-daters refer to the fact of being in a relationship as a desired or perfect state. They speak of the relationship. I have not once heard them speak about the person they are in the relationship or the particular person they want to be in a relationship with. The second fact is that these people normally don't know themselves. They are so involved in their search, in the struggle to keep their status, that they spend no time on anything other than this goal. And if you don't take time to know yourself, how can you know and therefore love the person you are with?
I believe that dates are not something you should be out seeking. Dates happen. People should concentrate more on knowing themselves, finding out what they like and dislike, being brave about who they are, and understanding that there's no end to this discovery. Once they accept themselves, and start the long journey of self discovery, they could look at other people and see them as what they are: people. Before you see the person in yourself, others will be only targets or tools. When you start discovering the person in you, you'll be able to see the person in others. This will lead you to be able to build bridges of friendship, build confidence, and if dating forms, you'll be dating a person, not maping up and engaging a potential target to get a relationship.
When you accept yourself, see the person in you and the person in the other or others, you realize that social locks and boundaries do not determinate what matters. You don't need a ceremony or a paper to be with someone, you are free of compulsive behavior born out of insecurity, such as jealousy. You are no longer threatened by the ghost your insecure imagination conjure. You are no longer threaneted by the people your mate knows, nor you fear the distance, nor pick up fights and believe that you must win them all. Commitment becomes something natural, not a strategy to keep the boat afloat. It stops being a matter about who commits more, who gives more, who sacrifices more, and it's simply a matter of feeling good and adjutsting what needs to be adjusted - that can be adjusted - so that things go even better.
If you know yourself, you know how far can you go, where are your limits, what you can and can't accept, but also you are aware that the other one is a person too and also has limits and capabilities that need to be respected.
Breaking up also comes more easily, for you are able to see it not as a personal failure, but as a matter of having grown in directions that didn't allow further staying together. You can part ways and remain good friends, and understand, and be happy for the other, wherever life takes you.
If you stop thinking about dating as a way to get a goal, but you open your soul to yourself and other people, you may realize that you become far happier than you would have believed it possible.
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