There are things that mean a lot to us, things for which we have fought a lot, and are preacious in our eyes. Only we know - and maybe a few people that have been next to us know - all we have poured into it to make it all the way to where they stand now. Only you know how hard have you struggled to make it to where you stand now. Only you know how hard has it been to build the house you live in. Only you know how difficult has it been to get your business growing and flourishing the way it does it now. Only you know how much effort has it took you to make your marriage work, buy your own car or repair it through your own means. Only you know how much have you struggled and for how long to finally knit a scarf for yourself. Only you know how hard has it been to get your club, association, organization, independent magazine going. Yes, only you know what has been poured into it.
It happens - and it's quite normal - that people who have struggled a lot for something, see the result of it, or the current state of it far bigger and much more awesome than any regular person would. It happens also that some of these people develop very strong feelings about it, and become unable to separate themselves from the object into which they have poured so much effort, and probably for which they have sacrificed so much. Any comment or word short from absolute awe and odes to its awesomeness are taken as a personal attack, an deep and unforgivable insult that can forge long lasting enemies and tint in false light valuable first impressions - on both ways.
Most likely we all have a pet project very close to our heart. Maybe a thesis, as it has been for me up until last year, or maybe a novel, like yould be the case of Trish, or a handmade jewelry business, like it could be the case of Dragonfly, or a collection of paintings, like it could be the case of someone, or the interpretation of a given piece at a choir, a photobook on a given topic that has taken you years, a collection of different types of sand from all over the world, the raising of your children, a sibling who has been born with severe mental retard or a visible deformity, a loved one struggling with a severe case of ADD, who is finally making a breakthrough and being able to finish a short story. You and those closely involved know really how hard the process has been, and how much you've had to struggle. They, just like you, can appreciate the effort and the progress made. They and you, but not the rest of the world.
Some people in this situation seem to expect the rest of the world to follow their progress holding their breaths and clapping at the slightest progress, as if the world would have been saved by this tiny step, from the edge of destruction."Bravo!" "Magnificent!" "I have never seen anything quite like it!". However that's not the case. If you have a pet project, and you throw it at the world, expect a sincere, open answer, where your project, your heart's pet concern will be measured to the average of the world - in the world of the audience you are asking. Your audience shouldn't be taught how to reply properly, how to say "um, honestly I have never met children with this type of condition before/ I have no idea what experience you have baking cakes, but it's pretty good". When a question is posed - except in the obvious case of a test - a miriad of different answers are to be expected, and maybe not all of them, or even none of them, could be the one you are waiting for. Asking and expecting only one answer, putting all hopes in one answer, is a way to delude yourself, to lie to yourself, and one of the surest ways to hurt yourself.
Honestly, people asking questions and getting all hurt and upset for not getting the reply they want, make me want to reply only one way: "I'd like to take the Fifth on this". The answer, however, is not to ask if you don't want to hear the answer, but to be prepared to receive a snipet of truth, and learn from it. So you have struggled so much to get your business going, and someone say "I've seen better". Don't let that hurt you, not ignore it, but take it as incentive to work on making it better. You put your heart and soul in seweing a dress and someone says "it's weird on the back", don't take it as an insult - take it as an advise about where to direct your efforts to improve it. Your ADD has been improving, but someone notices you are disperse about keeping up appointments. Good! Someone just reminded you for free about what else can you do to improve!
Words are words and comments are comments, and the ill and the hurt are often put in them by ourselves. Naturally, there are open and clear hurts and mockeries, and you can tell those more often than not from the tone of the person's voice and the context. However, even from mockery and insult you can pull profit, if you know how to take it, and if you can decide if these are directed at something you could and would like to change.
So, don't be afraid to ask, don't expect a given answer, but be open to all possibilities the world and the people in it have to offer. And remember, when you ask, you are often opening yourself to change, and that's not a bad thing.
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