Apr 25, 2014

On Wild Dreams and Wishes

Lately I'm struggling to get a good grasp on the reigns of my life. After the last post, I still went on considering these things that are changing and need to be changed in my life. In a way it's like living in the center of a flower and that flower now is blooming, and though the blooing is good, the very opening of the petals fills you with the feeling that not everything can be controlled, and if you know me, you know that I always need to be on top of my business.

AT WORK I'm getting pretty much on top of things, though I recently realized that some details may have slipped last time, which are no biggies, really - nothing that can't be fixed and nothing really, that can't be written of as an honest, human mistake (I may have not sent the last updated file, which is odd and makes me doubt my files, because I'm so anal about that). Regarding the changes I've been thinking about (and this odd slip also gets me thinking more about the need to move, how my brain isn't happy with my current work and might be acting up on me), I had it on good source that I may want to wait a little more as big changes are to be made and it wouldn't be convenient for me to be caught between the moving forces and politics. The "agression" have been waving, truth to be told. One day hot, then there's a piercing icicle here and there, spicing the days. One of the arguments I hear the most about not making the move go about the concept of the "integral professional". This "Integral Professional" is the kind of professional that knows about many fields, not just one, specialized area.

Personally I'm a bit more old-school in this sense and prefer a different approach as to what makes a professional or a scientist a good professional/scientist. I don't think that "knowing about everything" is actually good, specially not the way it's usually managed around: the professional that tries their hand at everything, regardless of their studies. Yes, stepping outside your field is good and enriching, as long as you do it with the purpose of adding to your field. However, trying this and that, getting a feel of the ropes and gathering a whole bunch of information without an actual, deep knowledge (the type you get at the University), doesn't really add up to anything.

I know I'm needed here, but this is no longer the place where I could grow professionally within the line of my field.

AT UNIVERSITY I had some of the hardest, most brutal weeks recently. Though this four-month period (the University  works on four-month periods, not on semesters) I've taken only two subjects (I wanted to take more, but not all the subjects I wanted to enroll for were being offered, and some got filled quite fast), the amount of homeworks, forums, virtual activities and then final papers had me crashing down. Not to mention the tests. It doesn't help either that the level of chaos among teachers is simple appaling. You couldn't possibly get on track with most of the work even if you wanted to, when the teachers upload material and instructions late.

Thanks Hyne we had off the whole Holy Week, (the week before Easter), because that way I could use all those days to get THREE homeworks and the FINAL PAPER done. Oh, are you doing the maths and thinking, how can you have for one week four things to do for two subjects? It's called "lack of organization".

I'm only 5 subjects and a final seminar away from my Accounting diploma. Just what remains of this year and the next.

The sad thing is that I'm actually considering the possibility of continuing and getting my Finance and my Marketing diplomas. Well, Finance first, if I get through Accounting and don't end up too traumatized.

ABOUT MY PENPALS, I'm still on record as the most hideous penpal of history. I'm carrying their letters, but can't really get to write to them.  I read their letters, speak to them in my head, but when I were to land it on paper I'm overcome with guilt because "I should be studying" or working or something of the sort. And when I do have the time, my brain seems so void, like I can't even spoon a single word, a single sentiment to tell them.

Girls, I haven't forgotten you, I'm just going through a crappy momentum.

AT MY PERSONAL LIFE things are sort of split. Generally they are well. Good friends, plenty of series, loving boyfriend, but there's also this thing about what would our future bring and whether there is actually a future somewhere in there. I like to have definition, but then there are things that can't be defined as clearly and perfectly as I like them to be. Thus there's a big haze right now in the box that says "INSERT LOVE LIFE FUTURE HERE".

For sometime I had all this questions in my head, whether this was going anywhere, whether this is healthy, whether this is what I want, whether this will actually become a long term thing or if this is the moment when the thread breaks and things come to an end. I needed to know in order to prepare for any and every possible outcome. Then I realized something important: I don't actually put my whole life on hold for a relationship. Kari has his agenda, and his issues to sort out. I don't have to sit put and wait, but carry on, and so, now I carry on. Honestly, my life is so full of all sorts of things, that the last thing I need is to worry about things I can't change. Eventually something will come out. I put my cards on the table, but the ball is on his court, and there I can't do a thing.

As result of all that, at one point there I decided that I need a break, I want a break, I CRAVE a break, and so a crazy idea started to form: I want to take a trip to Salem, Massachusetts (yes, the Salem of the Witches of Salem). It started like a wild thought that you may not think all so seriously, like "oh, if I do this I'll award myself with five gallons of ice cream". However, the thought stuck with me and I started considering it more and more and more, until I found myself making plans, researching, looking at prices and fares and drafting up a potential budget. I do want to go to Salem!

Yes, I'm currently saving quite hard to buy a house or an appartment - we shall see when we get to that point - and I have other expenses, including my car related expenses and my University related expenses - which don't come cheap - so squeezing in a trip to Salem might not come without effort, but now this is giving me something to look forward, to do, to dream with. It would be actually much longer than my not-Hungary related trips (the average period of most of my trips is 3 days), for I plan on staying a week. For Halloween. Ok, must make sure that I won't have any tests programmed for that week, but I do want to do this, I do want to make this trip, finally go to the States for the first time in my life and get myself a break. I can do it, right? It's ok to dream this big, right?

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