Broken Trust

Trust is a very fragile commodity, which once it's lost, it can never be recovered again. Even when it might be repaired through a lot of work and dedication, the cracks remain and - in the best of cases - it won't be the same as it was before it suffered damage.

Recently I had a fallout with an acquintance I used to care for dearly. Last year, as the health crisis affected many around the world, this person lost their job. They are a physician, so some weeks after losing their previous job, they found a new one at a State hospital, which is a magnificent opportunity for any physician. They were there for a few weeks and then sent me a message asking me for money for some tests, so they could keep their job. It was a requirement from the hospital. The test were expensive (they said), and their family had helped them get most of the money, except the last, like US$100. I asked them why did they had to pay when the hospital was supposed to give them the test, and they said that the hospital itself was very slow and HHRR only have them a few days to get the test.

I thought it was maybe because of the pandemic, and though it was stupid and the hospital couldn't afford to lose able, trained physicians, I didn't doubt my friend and gave them the money. They promised me to give it back with their first check. First thing they would pay out, they promised.

That was in July of last year.

They kept working, and then started posting pictures of the books and stuff they bought for themselves on their social media, and I've got annoyed. I had planned on refusing to take their money when they would give it back, but as they didn't and instead let the months go by without a word, I grew disappointed. At one point I mentioned it to some friends, and thanks goodness I did. Little after one of them told me that this person had sent them a message about some terrible family tragedy related to money, and asked them to lend them money. They were doing the same thing again!

I took to messaging and wrote to all my friends to ask them to please not to lend this person money. When they asked me why, I explained them my case. This way I also realized that this person also asked other people for money for this tests they told me their family had gathered the money and needed only as much as I gave them. And this person also went asking others for money for this family tragedy.

I wrote this person and asked them to pay me back. They claimed to be so ashamed, but had this family tragedy and so on and on. (No mention of all those months when they could have honored their word, mind you).

In the end, I came out with my story with all of my group of friends, as a way to protect them from this person's schemes - as I also learned that the State had actually suspended those tests because they needed the physicians - and also confronted this person privately. I told them I knew it was all a lie, and I just hoped they sought help. This person got worked up and reacted angrily.

I talked the issue with my friends, and they said probably this person has an addiction issue. I wouldn't go as far, but I do guess they have issues, if they go around asking money from others and avoiding to pay it back, and that they resource to pity to get the money, and promises they have no intention to keep.

Some people told me, what would I do if this person showed me proof that the tests were real. (This person sent me a photo of a printed paper were the tests were requested). The issue isn't "just" whether the tests are real. The issue is the whole package of going to several people with the same story, and asking money over and over, never giving back the money, the cavalier attitude of showing off purchases after promising to pay back the lent money with their first paycheck, and going at the same tactic again.

What would a paper prove? If the tests are real and the family tragedy is real, how does that make it right that they have milked their friends for money? Now what proof do we have that they actually used to money to pay for those tests and help with that tragedy? How do we know if they really needed it? And even if they did need it for that, what paper can account for the fact that they never bothered paying the debts back?

The lesson here, children, is the following: don't let yourself be gaslighted, dissuaded from your point and your right to be angry because the offender explains of half-explains a part of your griefs.

Proofs can be forged, excuses can be made, but broken trust can never be made whole again.

Sources of Daily Inspiration

 

Property of Stormberry

What inspires you day to day? Yes, that can be a strange question for some of us, as many of us wake up (at least) five out of seven days a week to the sound of the alarm clock (I actually used to have a radio-CD Player-alarm clock that broke down, so I don't even get to wake up to my favorite radio station or at least a CD I like), and go through the motions with either a blank or a black mood until that first cup of coffee that replenished our capability to pretend to be human and act as if we like people, and smile. So, what inspires us? Here are some of my old answers:

1. Not getting charged for manslaughter

2. Paying my bills

3. Working first is the only way to get retired later

Oh, yes, I can be very cranky, but that's not a secret. I didn't use to think about getting daily inspiration because I was quite busy in my life and had lots and lots of things to think about all the time. There was my job and the things that happened at the office, or there were my friends, my penpals, my plans to travel each year, my many studies, and then there were all my "pleasure times", when I decided on a whim if I wanted to take myself to have coffee, or go to the movies or simply walk around had do some shopping. I also had meetings with friends and some tended to be regular, weekly meet-ups. Then I also had my "letter writing Mondays", when I went to a coffeeshop near the office and stayed there from 17 hrs to about 21 hrs writing letters or journaling, or doing some homework. Trust me, those were often very Instagram-worthy times.

In those days I wasn't thinking about "getting inspired everyday", but then again, I guess I was being inspired every day. Yes, there was stress and there were issues, and there were days when I weren't able to deal with things the way I would have wanted to, but I had inspiration, and the kind of inspiration I needed then.

What changed? Well, in my case, this health crisis broke abd I wasn't able to do the things I used to do to find some peace of mind and break from the everydays. No more coffeeshop days, or movies just because I have the time for it. Yes, this lock down - even though we don't have a lockdown here like the one people in Europe have - pushed me and took away the kind of inspiration that used to fuel me through my days. And away from my coffeeshops, my movies, my bookstore-cycles, and my paperstore cycles, I noticed how actually packed and stressful my days are.

I tried to recreate my coffeeshop experiences - yes, those are central for me, as you can imagine from the constant repeating and referring to them - but it wasn't the music or the coffee or even trying to improvise a lounge of sorts at home: it was the fact (I believe now) that I was taking myself to a completely different environment, a place I linked with joy and great time with myself. So I have stopped trying to do my little lounges (though maybe I'll start trying them out again sometime), and decided to try out new things, different things.

I tried out morning and eventing short meditation sessions, but recently I've got a tad cranked up and things are not "flowing". I have been doing some mood journaling in my Witches' Datebook, and that helps. Now, wating a art-youtuber, a lovely lady from Britain, I saw she does this thing where she pulls a card from an oracle deck, and leaves the card out to be inspired by it through the day.

Source: Amazon.
Picture linked to product

Today, I decided to try it out. I have two: Nature's Healing Oracle and the Astrological Oracle, so just like I do it with my Tarot cards, I decided to pick one card from each. The cards I've got are the ones in the picture above.

What do they mean? Easy, this is entirely intuitive, and the point of the whole exercise is to inmerse myself in myself and whenever I feel stressed through the day, or overwhelmed, I'll look at them and think of the drawings and the meaning my spirit gives to them.

Today, the Sun card means to me that there are new beginings, and we are in front of one. The Sun shines on a new day, so we can get ahead and do something, take action and work towards bringing our dreams to reality.

Sage is a plant usually related to cleaning, spirituality, grounding, good fortune, and all that good stuff. Today I saw wisdom in this card, so for me, it tells me about growing in knowledge, so it seems a good day to work on my studies and be wise about my decisions.

These are all small things, but they can help, if we give them a chance.

Life changes, and not just because we've got hit with this pandemic. Life changes because that's what life does, so sometimes it's good to refresh our sources of inspiration and play around with new tools and new ideas. Give it a try. No, you don't have to go and buy oracle cards. You could easily make an "inspiration hat" and throw in ideas that sound inspiring: quotes you like, words of encouragement, ideas of things you like to do or would like to try out, maybe even an occasional joke too. Take a slip of paper out each day, and reflect on it, or dare and do it. You can even add to the hat any good idea that comes to mind or that you see.

Just... go with the flow. Try it. What can you lose, right? It's your life after all, and you decide how you want to live it.