Jan 17, 2011

Indifference: In Reply to a Post

As many other times, for many of us, Twitter has been today the way for a guy known as @H3dicho, or carepicha (swearing expression in Spanish) to promote people to read his latest post. Inspite of his colourful handle, this kid writes really well, spinning his words quite properly, with gusto around the topic he develops. Truth to be told, I don't follow his blog, therefore I couldn't tell you what's the normal trend of his blog, though I have read a few of his entries, most of them about daily philosophy, pointing the finger at different cases, all of them very well sustained, and so on. This time he wrote about one topic that seems to occupy the mind of men more often than not, and it has nothing to do with any sort of sport you can follow on ESPN: women.

I saw that, eye rolling. But before the ladies fall into the usual when-will-men-think-of-anything-else-other-than-how-complicated-we-are, let's give him a chance, let's talk about it, shall we?

There's a general misbelieve that women are complicated and nobody can understand them, except other women, and also that men are complicated (or generally stupid, with a mental development of a 5 year-old and an emotional level of a 3 year old) and nobody can get them except other men. That's not true. Neither women are complicated nor men are stupid. Truth is that socially we are conditioned to be attracted to each other, but not to work on the same wavelenght when it comes to relationships, or more personal, intimate matters. Societies such as Latin American ones, and others where the cultural difference between the genders is even more marked, this gap is wider. It's not only about giving dolls to girls on Christmas, and cars to boys, but also the things we daily receive from everywhere. Girls are expected to take interest in fashion, and wishing to get married, have a family and cook and clean for them. Boys are told to be interested in sports and mechanics, seduce as many women as he can and always have a sort of pure angel, a virgin at his side who will faithfully serve him, give him children and sleep only with him. Demurely.

The view society sells about a woman is a young person with big boobs, small waist, long legs, big ass, long hair, skimpy clothes, who was born only for sex and servitude. She must love shoes and dress sexily to attract men, whom she dates looking always for her Prince Charming. She changes her mind constantly and never says what's really in her mind, but speaks so much she drives everybody into boredom.

In most societies men still resent it if his wife or girlfriend makes more money than them, and also resent women who act like them. Women tend to look down on men who make less money than them and dislike men who act like them. It's a good sign, that these are less and less seen in the younger generations, but the seeds of difference are still present.

Generally, also, society tends to infuse in us bits to deconstruct weaken our self esteem and self confidence. For one side, the virtue of being humble is promoted everywhere, and often in a way that suggests you must hide your other virtues and systematically debase yourself, undervalue, underestimate yourself, otherwise you'll be guilty of being too self involved. For instance, you are not allowed socially to say you are beautiful, or smart. You can't reassure yourself of these. The social way for you to reassure yourself of being beautiful or smart is by being considered so by others. In other words, your opinion of yourself has no social value, only the opinion of others, and the only value acceptable is the social one. A person isn't successful if their environment doesn't consider them so.

Also there's another social conditioning regarding relationships of the romantic type: people who say "yes" right away are either desperate or whores. Playing "hard to get" is socially expected. A woman who yields at one to the request of a man loses his respect. Women, naturally, are not allowed socially to make requests at men, but a man who replies at once to her subtle advances is considered a loser who would wag his tail at anything giving him the slightest morsel of attention. Thus everybody's life is made more miserable thanks to expectations. The downfall here is that you are put on a guessing game, trying to find out whether you will actually get to your goal or not, which isn't all that much fun. Also, when you are not interested, how are you supposed to fend off the unrequested attention?

However, yes, socially the pretended party is expected to show indifference to arouse the attention of the pretender. In this game often two types of pretender come to game: the broken, one who can't stand indifference, thus must convert it into attention; and the hunter. In either case - sadly - the pretended using the indifference card, loses their humanity: they are no longer a person with whom the pretender would like to build a healthy, happy relationship, but a challenge, a goal, an object. It's quite interesting how lots of people are actually hoping to become objects, shed their humanity to be a thing.

The broken is often a person seemed as well adapted, normal, and much a product of their society. This kind of pretender often comes up like someone who moves well in society and their behavior is in everyway as expected. In other cases, as the need for acceptance increases, the broken can also come up as a dependant, needy person. This character often seeks specifically people who are not interested in them to seduce them. Those around them who like them are less interesting, less important, as their input of appreciation has already been gotten. Interestingly, in their mind, as they find someone not charmed by them - or a negative input about themselves - the value of those liking them decreases. After all, being the value of the person determinated by others, if one person don't show appreciation is because there's something wrong with them, and all those liking them are mistaken because they can't see that flaw that takes aways someone else's aproval. Thus seducing this person, making this person like them is the only way they can restablish their own worth.

Not getting their approval equals to failure, a rupture on their self image.

For this kind of pretender, getting the liking of this person isn't the end of the story, for they will keep seeking for other people to "convert". If the broken finds another person to seduce and seduces it successfully, their self image remains unharmed. The aproval of the left one leaves no mark, as any disapproval will be written off as dispair due to the break up. However if the pretender is the one leaving them, the broken's self image suffers greatly. Approval was temporal and they have failed to keep it up. The sense of failure in them will be great and they'll probably feel worthless, as if source of their worth is only a mirage. Comfort people like this is a really hard task.

The hunter, on the other hand, is interested only on the game, on the getting the prize and then hunt down the next one. Easy preys are not fun, which is why they only go for those hard to get, or those who have a particular feature that makes them socially valuable. Some hunt for the youngest, the foreigner, the pretiest, the wealthiest, the strongest, the most wanted, the most famous. It's never about the person, or about getting to know the given person, or even get their approval. The game is only about getting it, the whole point is to be able to say "I had X". Another notch on the bedpost, another entry in the black book.

Yes, certainly you can attract some pretenders by playing hard to get, but think about the kind of people such a move will put in your life. People who expect you to play, to pretend, to be something you are not, to conceal yourself, leave honesty outside of the relationship because you can't actually express what you want. If, on the other hand you pretend a person who plays this card, what kind of person will you get? Yes, the woman who played hard to get will be complicated, because she learned the only way she can keep your interest is by making things difficult for you. Yes, the man who played hard to get will be a motherfucker who treats you like shit because he learned you like to suffer and be subject to an emotional swing: beating&chocolates. But what can you do? Keep dreaming about the perfect person who will happen into your life like a dream and make everything perfect?

Men dreaming about women who are beautiful, don't want them for their money, love football, aren't jealous, love them to madness and love to have sex all the time. Women dreaming about kind, gentle men who help them, don't complain about the number of shoes stashed in their closets or the time it takes them to get ready.

Keep dreaming.

Have anyone noticed we are taught to dream about something other than a person? Have anyone noticed that our best relationships are those with our friends because they are loose and free of expectations? You friend people, humans, regardless of their gender, money or looks, and you love them for long, long time. Why can't we look at our romantic relationships the same way? See the person before the social pose, the looks, the money, the shoes, the title, the fashion?

My kind is easier. Simpler I wouldn't say because no person is simple and no person is as uncomplicated as they believe themselves to be. But we talk. If you approach us and we like you, we will smile back, kiss you on the cheek, talk, seek to know you better and then decide. We don't play hard to get. If you arouse us we might even kiss you before even saying hello. We don't need your approval, we don't depend on that, we only want your honest wish to share soemthing with us: time, smile, a trip, a friendship, thoughts, a good talk, sex.

We don't hide our thoughts, and we would like you to do the same, but we don't expect. You give what you want to give, what you feel like giving, and we will take that, nothing more and decide if that's enough for us. A break up can make us sad, because we might lose someone we've got to love deeply, but we will recover, smile and remember the good and greet you gladly if we see you again sometime.

You don't touch our self esteem or our self confidence, or our image: you touch our lives and we will cherish you always. Society doesn't really roll with us. We are accepted, as we have grown many in number, but we are not a "normal" component of societies. We are "variety", "different", "freethinkers", "weirdos", "hippies", "potheads", "treehuggers". Society continues looking at us as exceptions, though we are starting to hardly be so.

Yes, there's people out there who is honest and can't give a flying jump about what society thinks it's proper or not, so it's up to you: continue in the game, strategize to get a prize, play your cards to be the Game of the Year, of let yourself meet people and find those who will say yes at once and concentrate not in the seducing game, but in the building of a happy, uncomplicated relationship. Your choice.


H3dicho said...

Having an strategy doesn't mean you are "heartless", it just means you are smart and know how to get what you want.

You can look for a girl for a relationship, you can also want a "one night stand" , but it depends on the person who uses the strategy.

The strategy is not about acting like "jerk", and more about looking secure of yourself and project this image to others.

If you just look impressed by a hot girl, and look more like a fan than like a equal party, of course you are not going to look appealing.

Some guys think: "she is too hot for me", and thet project this image, and at the end.. nobody get what they want..

My english is not that good, but hopefully you get my point =)

Storm Bunny said...

:-) I'm not one to judge your English, but I believe is perfect. Now on topic, indeed having a strategy doesn't mean you are the villain of the movie, it means you are organized and plan ahead a way to get what you want. Now, the question is what do you want? It's not a question of strategy, is a question of picking your target.

Personally, I also believe that the strategy must also depend on the end goal. There's a strategy for a one night stand and there's a strategy for a more stable relationship. So, with that strategy, what are you exactly aiming at? And is that strategy the best way to get what you are looking for?

H3dicho said...

And of course the strategy will change depending on the target, but at the end is pretty much the same.

"Being confident is always the way to go."

if the other person thinks is doing you a favor by going out with you, you are in trouble..

Satisfaction goes in two ways or no way!

Storm Bunny said...

Couldn't agree with you more even if I wanted to. Relationships must be on the same level, under the same conditions, with no patronizing, no condescending and no demanding. This is often the problem: men deploy a strategy to get a girl basically because she has a vagina. Women roll out a strategy for any wallet willing to pay for their expenses. In the end they are stuck with a person they never cared for, they don't know and they can't wait to get rid of.

Love your last sentence: "Satisfaction goes tow ways or no way".

You should really make it into your next post!

Oh yes, and from now on I'm officially following your... if I can get blogger to allow me to. :-)

H3dicho said...

cool! =)

Yeah, you are right, i should write about that.. =)

I Am already following your blog..

My placer..