Where is the year? What has happened to 2013 and how come we are not two months away from saying good-bye to it and welcome the new year? Well, for once, I've been gone for a while, submerged in studies and work and feeling terribly guilty about all the letters that I haven't replied. I think I have officially earned my "Bad Penpal" badge. :-( Sorry girls! Not that I have forgotten about you - I actually think more about you than I probably should, yet still thinking about you seems to produce no letter for it's own.
I'm also painfully aware of the fact that I didn't post for Mabon, though I wanted to because I really like Mabon, but here I am - late - for Samhain, because the world might end, but I must have my Halloween/Samhain. I don't really feel about talking to you about job or about my studies, because they are currently my main sources of stress - and not for the traditional reasons, but for reasons that really get to my nerves and are product of things that shouldn't be happening AT ALL! so please forgive me if I just go another way with this for a moment.
Well, Samhain is a Pagan celebration also know as the Third Harvest. It's the final harvest of the year, when you clean the land, save up for the winter and sort of retire to rest, and also put the land to rest. It's the moment you stop working and make due with the results of your labor, or in other words, when you face the music. In this sense, what is the music I'm facing now?
Well, up to this point, I have realized that even the best plans can fall through, that when you go through a change in life - change your job, start studying again, get a new hobby, start a family - things also need to be settled in a different way. It would be delusional to think that you can take a new project, like starting a new business, and still have the same time to dedicate to the activites you pursued before. I think I have been carrying around some of the projects and expectations I had when I was in Hungary and wasn't working, and filled my day with sending out job applications, and visiting movie theatres and museums. This Samhain makes me realize that I need to actually take my planner, review my current programs, my activities and the time I have to comply with them, and then start making arrangements for all the other stuff.
My creative vein has been kicking in too, with two smashbook projects and then some writing (fanfics mostly, as I'm using them to tone up my skills before hacking into a couple of original stories I have in mind), and also I'm rediscovering the experience of studying, and meeting again with Accounting, something that might stand closer to me that I had already imagined. Discovering the accounting side of me has been interesting. I still have some classes to take, and still have to finish the ones I'm taking now, but I look forward to get ahead with this project and add a second diploma to my CV. This is something I have forgotten, and something that returns to remind me that we are never off the loop whn it comes to learning.
This year I have let myself go in the sense of feeling more free about expressing myself, which hasn't been the best in many cases. Though I am a Christian, being surrounded by very radical Christians at my job, made me aware of other types of hypocrisy and social masks than the ones I was more used to. I also realized once again that since my trip to Hungary, I have severely lost my hard earn capability to be hypocritical and keep my thoughts to myself. My recovered sincerity has proven to be less than adequate in a world that craves and demands sincerity but can't stand it. I need to re-train my hipocrisy in order to properly navigate through 2014.
The Halloween aspect of the celebration has been revealing. I never expected my boss to be horrified by it and down right awkward and concerned. When she saw my Halloween stuff (thanks Hyne I didn't go Pagan and hung pentagrams and Horned Gods and Tripple Goddesses at the cubicle!), she had no idea what to do, and asked if anyone had said anything. Other than people saying I'm crazy, no, they have said nothing... in my face. (One of them was actually aggressive when I referred to myself as "witch" today. She was vehement in denying that I could be a witch, and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I see myself as one, specially because a witch is a person who dares to be different, who works on instinct, seeks knowledge by their own means, and feels drown to seek it in places other consider taboo or stupid.) She was quick to mention a costume party she attended once, where everybody dressed up as the thing they fear the most. She said it in a way where she wondered if that was what all the spooky things were about. I let her follow that line of thought, however this got me thinking about my fears. What do I fear? Poverty? Well, not really. Perhaps being vulnerable, though then again that's a temporal stage for sooner or later you grow confident and strong enough to be able and defend yourself. Death is not part of my fears. Of course I don't want to die, nor I want any of my loved ones to die, but I have no terror of death. If anything, death makes me curious. I feel drown to death.
So, my fear? I realized it might be commitment. But you already knew that, didn't you? :-)