Feb 1, 2015

Let's make this a Rambling Journal Entry

Again I start writing without a title for my post. I have a couple of things I'd like to discuss, but then I stop thinking whether this or that is "proper" or wonder how can I drive this or that topic to convey in a clear message why it concerns me enough to write a post about it. Though granted, not everything that ends up in a post of mine concerns me so terribly. I may have a particular sense, sometimes, like some of the things about me or around me, or things I think or witness are "top secret" and I could be processed for divulging them. Yes, maybe I've been working for the Public Sector for too long.

On the front of the Book Swap, all is going quite well, except that one of the girls, Andy, hasn't gotten her present yet. This concerns me quite a lot, not only because I've been organizing this, but also because I've become quite fond of Andy. Dare I say, I love her very much. This also reminds me of a complicated situation that seems to have arrived, which is that I believe that Carrie doesn't like Andy very much, and it's sometimes difficult to lavish all my love and attention on darling Andy, and then noticing that Carrie might not be so delighted about that. I believe I have witnessed a few bouts of jealousy from Carrie - or maybe, not so much jealousy as, um, dislike that I might be making plans to spend time with Andy - with have been... peculiar to say the least.

About my friends - my girlfriends, in this particular case - recently a friend of mine, Tina, posted some pictures she made. Tina is an incredibly talented photographer. Her pictures got to me so much that I told her I would love to marry her pictures. She replied - in jest, of course - that I could marry her and the pictures. This made me really happy and I though "Yeah, sure, I'd marry her!". This then got me thinking how I'm so quick to propose to my girlfriends, and how I can actually imagine myself marrying a woman (yeah, it would hardly be a real marriage, but more like girlfriends living together, watching movies and going crazy at shopping, mind you), but if a friend, a guy-friend of mine were to make the same declaration, I would be running the other way. I've tried to press myself in this matter, get to the core of it, imagine a girl with clearly romantic and sexual intentions towards me, and a guy with nothing but friendly intentions towards me, both of them asking me to marry them, who would I marry? I would still marry the girl. But if the girl insist in having children while the guy is not interested in children... I would marry none.

Why am I so threatened by the idea of marrying a man?

I simply can't imagine the circumstances in which I would marry a guy. And yet, I can't kid myself, I know by now that sadly, I'm heterosexual. Yeah, I'm still whining about that. I refuse to believe I'm complicated, though often simply saying "I'm complicated" is the easiest way to end a conversation about me and my so-called weirder characteristics. Thanks Hyne I love them, all my quirks and crazy little things, but I still would like to uncover the mystery of some of the things I think and I feel.

Talking of marriage, getting married, as I try to think of the scenario where I would marry a man, I remember this weird dream I had back when I was a teen, maybe fifteen or sixteen years old. It was one of those confusing dreams with many weird parts, with something about me having a baby that was half a kanguroo (the left half, I believe), and half a baseball player. And the father was a classmate of mine I didn't really give much thought to then. Anyway, in the dream I was simultaneously pregnant with this baby, nursing him and watching pictures of him at different ages. Then, as I rushed out of this museum like building, I was wearing a wedding dress and ran out to a funeral. There was this classmate of mine, dead and his casket about to be lowered to the grave. In the dream I stopped the funeral, opened the casket, got into into it, and laid next to him. I remember holding his dead hand as the lid of the casket was closed on us and feeling the casket being lowered and then the dirt shoveled on it. I remember feeling so happy, so in peace that I would be forever with this guy. To this day, I think that's the one scenario were I would feel ok "marrying" a guy.

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