It's kind of bumming to have the purpose of blogging every certain periods - like, says, every week, which is again my yearly goal for this blog - and WHAM! in the first month already missing a post. Or am I being just too maniac about it? Oh well, ain't like I can spin time back and fix it, right? And ain't either like lives depend on this blog, so really, no harm done. And I know that but then againg I feel like "Oh man, I didn't keep it perfect". Do you know the feeling? It's like you are writing this awesome letter to a friend and your handwriting is so nice and so perfect and so readable, and BAM! you make a mistake and now there's a scratch or a blotch on the page. Again, not like it matters all that much. The Broncos also lost their invictus status this year to the Colts - quite a blow for Peyton Manning, I imagine - and that was alright. It stung, yes, but then they took the invictus away from the Patriots, so all was good. :-) And now that I mention it, I think I have come to terms with the fact that I'm now a Broncos fan, though the Colts will always have a special place in my heart.
Anyway, I don't intend to go on talking to you about American Football, because this isn't a sportsblog (though hell knows exactly what kind of blog this is), and also because I really don't know that much about Football. I simply like to watch it. As for exactly what I want to talk to you about this time, well hell if I know. I do have a couple of things I'd like to tell you, and then there have been a couple of topics that stroke some thoughts in me, so - as usual - we shall see where things take us from here.
The first things I'd like to tell you about are my success experiences recently. ^_^ Yay! Indeed, last Monday I had my first German test and I excelled it! Ok, sure, I'm taking the very first, very elemental German class and you might say "Where's the deal in there? You already know SOME German!". Well, first of all, yes, I have been learning German on and off (mostly off), but that didn't really yield me much of a knowledge. I do know a handful of words, but I don't have enough knowledge on grammar to be able to use them properly in sentences. Not like we are making many sentences now, but still, :-) I excelled the test!
I must admit also that I have a certain facility for language learning. Maybe it runs in the family, as my grandpa and my aunt both are quite good at language learning and enjoy it very much - my aunt speaks like one gozillian languages, which include stuff like Catalan, Swedish and Icelandic - but then my mom and my brother don't like it much, and rather stick to speaking our family's two base languages and don't move from it if they can avoid it. In my case, I'm more like Aunt and Grandpa and am always giddy about the chance to learn a new language (not any, actually, I have these ideas from time to time that makes me take a liking or a disliking towards some languages. For instance, there was a time when I didn't like French because it wasn't challenging enough. Now I love French and feel I just don't speak it well enough), so when the chance came to get really and honestly into German, I jumped at it like a hound on a wounded fox and didn't let it go. Also, truth to be told, I don't study much when I'm studying languages. Not like when I'm studying stuff like accounting or those things, where you really, really see me pouring over the books. With languages I do the homework, and then through the day I mutter to myself stuff I remember. I count to myself, for instance, or out of the blue I ask myself "How do you say 'where are you from?'" Stuff like that. I guess eventually, when my "Wortschatz" (vocabulary) goes richer, I'll amuse myself composing all sorts of pick up lines. ^_^ What? I can do whatever I want with the languages I'm learning. :-) Of course I'll also practice stuff for shopping, though I think I pretty much know that one already. I've been to Vienna several times after all, what do you think? ^_^ I wonder what other people do when they are learning a language. I mean, everybody learns a language for a reason, right? Do other people amuse themselves by composing or planning little dialogues in their heads with funny or outrageous stuff? I'm sure not the only one.
My other success experience also came yesterday as I finally received my final score for the last Graduation Seminar. I've got - like the rest of my lovely team - an 85. Yay!! We passed!! Of course we deserved a much higher grade, but then again we know that the whole group got an 85 - yes, every single student got an 85 as their final grade, don't you find that interesting? - and that's not even the point anymore. The point here is that 85 finally completes our Accounting studies. It means that all we are waiting for now is April to get our diplomas and call ourselves officially "accountants". I'm an accountant!!! Isn't that splendid?
Of course that doesn't mean that I'll stop studying just now. Oh no, I'm tackling on Finance and Marketing, both of which I feel slightly easier than Accounting, perhaps because Finance stands a little closer to Economics and allows more room for a bit more of theorethical thinnking, and Marketing... well, it's marketing. It's all about getting into people's heads and twist them around.
It kind of feels great to be turning 40 and having achieved so many important goals in my life: I graduated as an Economist, now I graduated as an Accountant, I finally tackled German, I have defended my lifestyle successfully, have lost weight and am back to my beautiful self, feeling and looking like something that should be heavily guarded in Fort Knox, tackled my debts, am saving up, have a great job, love my car, and am surrounded generally by people I love dearly. In an instant then, I feel this well known sort of dread which I can't really explain. I'm so incredibly happy and so incredibly blessed and my life is just so wonderful, and in a second, the irrational fear comes to me, that what if I have made one "wrong" decision in my life. What if I have given in and not studied economics, but maybe Arts, like my grandpa suggested, or if I would have been weaker and bad married one of the guys that through my life proposed to me. Where would I be? Would I have been as happy and accomplished as I am now? Probably not. To get where I am now, at this perfect Apex in life, I worked hard and pushed myself. I made sacrifices, but never sacrificed my happiness. I pushed and struggled until I've got here. Through every step of my life I have been pushed by one thought, which I think is my real motto "I'll do what I like, I'll do what I please and fuck what anyone else thinks. This is my life, my happiness, my achievement and I'll live it in whatever way it pleases Me". Sure, I listen to advise and take suggestions because, hey, I'm only human and I can't think of everything, but at the end of the day, what as always prevailed in my decisions and my life has been what I think and what I want.
I'm fairly aware that I am perceived as selfish by many, and often even rude, but I rather be selfish and rude but inmensely happy and feeling very accomplished and satisfied with myself, than being selfless and nice and yet carrying around a big hole in my chest that never gets to be filled. I imagine that's also why I can sail that much easier through downfalls and failures. Sure, they sting, but I alway go back to my motto and think "Hey, this didn't work out the way I wanted it. Do we try again or fuck it and find something new?", and then sometimes I say "Let's tackle this bitch again and show it who is the boss", and then other times I think "Fuck no, it doesn't worth our time" and walk away. It's not easy, I tell you, don't think it's easy, but I'm quite happy and in harmony with myself (to whom I refer in the plural form of "we" as you all know, though that doesn't mean that we have a multiple personality disorder. It's just the way we prefer it), so I have my own back and feel much more at ease when pushing back into task or pulling away from it. To put it in other words, I'm very happy and ok with myself, so I can stand better by my own decisions, and by doing so I can carry through with them easier. Just think about it, how much of the struggle to do something often also carries the burden of not being sure of your own decision? Me? We don't have that problem. Right or wrong, we are always sure of our decision. :-)