I was talking with a friend of mine about different topics, and at one point we touched over their fancy for all sorts of challenges that have to do mainly with life style, health and habits. This friend is a very goal-oriented person, and these challenges help them set goals that seek to improve their live. But do they?
Sometimes I tend to unleash my inner Sigmund Freud, and as I heard them speak about "not failling" and "fulfilling the challenge", and "proving to themselves that they can do it", some bells started chiming in my head. The thought in my head was "Would you like to talk to me about what are you hiding from?". Not an easy or a proper question to ask, but I felt something was off. Now, of course challenges are not a bad thing, and exercises to pick up healthy habits are good, like learning to eat three times a day in set hours, include veggies, lay off the six gallons of coffee per day, quite smoking... you know, healthy stuff. But then, there are things that might be fun, or might seem like a healthy habit, but don't really do much for you.
Here's what I mean: there are challenges or "habits" to pick that might make you stress and strain for the duration of it, that might end up in a success or a failure, and when you win them you quickly forget them, but when you fail them, they haunt you.
In the case of my friend, I particularly noticed their choice of words: they talked about "failing the challenge", not about "skipping a day" or "missing" something. They tend to be an A-type personality, so failure is like hell for them, and it can consume them. So why choose to do challenges? I've got to the conclusion that maybe, they might be so afraid of failing on something important to them, that these challenges give them back a sense of control. Challenges give them something where they can fail but they feel completely empowered and capable of conquering. This begs the question then, what is this uncontrollable situation they feel they are failing at, which they can't control?
I did not pursue this inquiry with them (for obvious reasons), but I thought of some things that could bother other people, and which are false responsabilities.
A False Responsability
I call false responsability all those things we take upon ourselves or are laid on us that do not depend on us. For this I use concepts used in Internal Control - which is used in entities all around the world to set up responsabilities within the structure and ensure everybody is doing what they are supposed to be doing and avoid mishandling and curtail corruption - Responsability never comes alone: Responsability comes with Authority. Also, delegating the dealing of a situation does not delegate the Responsability. You can't ditch a responsability by landing it down to someone else: you are still responsable.
It happens in life that we are often encumbered with tasks or responsabilities over which we have no power at all, or only "power in appearance". Examples of this are the cases where we get involved in the decisions of someone else, and we feel responsible for someone else's decision making even though we have no power to make decisions for them.
We might feel responsible for "making a relationship work" when our partner has no intention to do so, and so we feel guilty when it falls apart, when it was not all on us. We might feel responsible for helping a friend or relative that ends up abusing of our kind heart, and when we try to stop, they turn against us and call us out on cutting the help.
Society also piles up on us loads of false responsabilities through expectations, such as getting married and forming a family, or getting a university degree, getting a particular job, and so on. Maybe we don't want any of this, but we feel pressured, so if we give in, we feel bad because we betray ourselves, but if we refuse, we feel guilty for not "completing our duty".
In these cases, notice that you are being made responsible of something you can't control or something you didn't choose. Choice is being stripped from you. It might sound stupid, but the pounding on your spirit of these "responsabilities" can break you. And they are not even real responsabilities!
Your responsabilities come from the things You Choose.
Yes, it is so much easier to ignore the fact that you are being pressured into something you don't want, made feel guilty about it, made feel like a failure because you are not "loving it", or not even fulfilling it, and so challenges help look away and distract your for the pain that has no actual place in your life.
What to do?
Well, first, face these monsters. Decide about them. Maybe you are hiding from something you can fix and you would really like. With those you can make a plan. Think long term, give yourself ample space, space it, make Alternative Plans or Plan Bs. There are always ways to tackle anything, and if time is not of essence (be real, there are things that can wait), take as much time as you want in the preparation and R&D stages.
If the things that bother you are false responsabilities, flip them. It might hurt at first, but draw that line, say "Sorry, we are closed for business", "Yeah, I think I'll pass", "No, sorry, I can't deal with that". And never be afraid, if anyone ever calls you cruel or mean for not catering to their demands, and tell you you are a bad person and there is a special place in you for Hell, to reply: "Yes, I know. It's called The Throne".
Dare to be strong. I'm already proud of you.
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