Yesterday I worked hard on cleaning my closet of all unnecesary stuff, excess baggage, space consuming things... basically "clutter". After some rather unapropiate messages, so to speak, I have been wondering what else do I need to clean up. What are those things I'm keeping simply to avoid the hassle of getting rid of them? Attitudes, habits, contacts, friends. For once, I'm not one that would be caught dead with a buddylist shooting over 100 contacts! Hyne no! Become an "I say yes to everybody" kind of person? I love my hair long, and my list of friends short. Trimmed close to my heart, so I can keep a close account of them, watch them, care for them, and pluck them out of my very selective flock the moment they simply stop being my friends. Like flowers in a vase, you remove those which wither, and from time to time take new, fresh ones into it. My heart is a vase and my friends are the flowers in it.
Recently I've been pondering whether I should separate myself from one of my friends. There has been distance gaping among us, and thouth there have been a felt touch, I'm growing more and more intolerant towards his offensive and ordinary outbursts. In the past I sought to let him know I was upset through soft and discreet ways of speaking and behaving. Have always known he wanted me, but I believe he never noticed the forcefull pulling I did when he held my head close to his, almost as if to kiss me, and I nearly broke my neck in my attempt to free myself from his grasp. To his last remark, I decided not to let it go, but to tell him that I find his words not only out of place, but disgusting. His answer was dismissive, as if it were some minor glitch. I would have hated an intensive, dramatic apologize, but some thrown there "ok, ok" really doesn't help much. I'm sad, because I do loved him and I do adored talking to him. He told me he really needs to talk to me, but I dread this encounter. Will I be ready to tell him what's going on in a way he will be able to understand? Will he actually understand? Will he react in a mature way rather than shielding his unprepared, child psyche behind the masks of dismissive carelessness or overdramatized appologies? What am I looking for? What can't be dramatized. Sincerity, honesty, understanding, maturity. The connection present in the soft tones and the measured words.
Over and over I remember this thing I read in a cheap gay novel. Problems must be talked over. Ignoring them won't make them go away. It sounds stupid, but that's so hard to manage! How do you tell a friend that you really like to spend time with him as long as he avoids talking about sex or making sexual innuendoes because those things coming from him makes you sick? How do you tell him that you love him, and despite all the role-playing and all you two engage in sometimes just to fool strangers for fun, which really makes you happy, you are not attracted to him, and no matter how much he tries, he will never become attractive to you. It's not his body, it's some inner thing, his self what makes him so unnatractive.
I don't want anyone to change for me, and the world "commitment" and I are as incompatible fishes and WiMax technology. I won't take tacky comments and embarrasing, unpolite behavior from my friends, or anyone, and if those things are part of who they are, I believe it is best if we part ways. However, if it is so, I must believe then that the guy I liked and called my friend had never existed, because how could such a clever guy have such a rotten, immature side?
I'm holding this one flower in my hand, and I hope against hope that I won't have to throw it away.
Recently I've been pondering whether I should separate myself from one of my friends. There has been distance gaping among us, and thouth there have been a felt touch, I'm growing more and more intolerant towards his offensive and ordinary outbursts. In the past I sought to let him know I was upset through soft and discreet ways of speaking and behaving. Have always known he wanted me, but I believe he never noticed the forcefull pulling I did when he held my head close to his, almost as if to kiss me, and I nearly broke my neck in my attempt to free myself from his grasp. To his last remark, I decided not to let it go, but to tell him that I find his words not only out of place, but disgusting. His answer was dismissive, as if it were some minor glitch. I would have hated an intensive, dramatic apologize, but some thrown there "ok, ok" really doesn't help much. I'm sad, because I do loved him and I do adored talking to him. He told me he really needs to talk to me, but I dread this encounter. Will I be ready to tell him what's going on in a way he will be able to understand? Will he actually understand? Will he react in a mature way rather than shielding his unprepared, child psyche behind the masks of dismissive carelessness or overdramatized appologies? What am I looking for? What can't be dramatized. Sincerity, honesty, understanding, maturity. The connection present in the soft tones and the measured words.
Over and over I remember this thing I read in a cheap gay novel. Problems must be talked over. Ignoring them won't make them go away. It sounds stupid, but that's so hard to manage! How do you tell a friend that you really like to spend time with him as long as he avoids talking about sex or making sexual innuendoes because those things coming from him makes you sick? How do you tell him that you love him, and despite all the role-playing and all you two engage in sometimes just to fool strangers for fun, which really makes you happy, you are not attracted to him, and no matter how much he tries, he will never become attractive to you. It's not his body, it's some inner thing, his self what makes him so unnatractive.
I don't want anyone to change for me, and the world "commitment" and I are as incompatible fishes and WiMax technology. I won't take tacky comments and embarrasing, unpolite behavior from my friends, or anyone, and if those things are part of who they are, I believe it is best if we part ways. However, if it is so, I must believe then that the guy I liked and called my friend had never existed, because how could such a clever guy have such a rotten, immature side?
I'm holding this one flower in my hand, and I hope against hope that I won't have to throw it away.
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« Every schilling you save puts a man out of Work for a Day. »
- John Maynard Keynes
1 comment:
Thanks for the support, dear! Hyne, this is one of the hardest things in my life. But does it worth it to take awkwardness and expose yourself to free "vergüenza ajena", for an old friend if he will keep doing it? It has always been awkward, but recently I just realized this will be this way forever, and I'm not willing to put up with it. I can't ignore it any longer.
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