This starts as a really short post. I'm nervous. I really am. Though it can be easily guessed, I'm still keeping things halfway in the shade, in the twilight of words and phrases. I'm so nervous. Options and chances keep flowing in, but I know my limits - my time and resource boundaries - and the decision has been made. I know fairly well that this is the last round I'll engage in... this time. I made a commitment to myself about this, and I'm acting rationally, I'm measuring up the situation and the real possibilities for my dreams to come true this time, as well as the chances to withdraw for sometime and retake them when more leash and more muscle can be spared for them. It is one of the most important qualities I can think of: "to measure up the situation and rationally determinate the profit, the cost and the risk, and how do you relate to either of them".
I've been running my numbers, and I know that no matter the balance, there are important profits for either path I've considered, for either plan I've drawn up, and there's also a lot to learn from the process. Many lessons have been given, many taken, and I'm sure there are many more that have been logged waiting for the right moment to be revealed. The process has been quite successful and beautiful... and yet, in the face of a second round, I'm terribly nervous. I found myself praying for rain, hoping to wake up and find a clouded sky, so that I can pray again to the rain for the same unexpected, beautiful miracle.
Have to be honest with myself as well: were my dream to come true, that would be a very, very big miracle, for things really don't happen this way. And yet I pray for the huge miracle to happen. I ask for what can't be asked. And yet I do, and yet I fear the outcome, I pray and nearly cry in nervous expectation, in nerv tearing anxiety, for a huge miracle to happen.
Along with some preparing of myself, I've been also reviewing the budget of the building, upon which our "common expense" quota is defined. I found myself again submerged in my Excel sheets, following numbers, finding all sorts of incongruencies, and asking questions, questioning the rightness of the report. I realized how much I miss my job. Oh dear! How much I do!
I need the numbers, the reports and budgets to go through, the chance to go beyond the levels of detail most people would and delve into the data, figure by figure, regardless of the time it consumes, and reveal what has been hidden in plain sight.
I miss working. May things hopefully change soon for good.