Jan 27, 2012

Falling In and Out

Friday. A peculiar Friday if one takes in consideration that this is the last one... in this place. Time to slowly start the Spring Cleaning and discard all that has no longer space in the new chapter of my life. Time for doing lists: what do I need, what goes in the luggage of my life, what must be viewed as obsolete. Time for packing, for making arrangements, for acquiring a thing or two, here or there. It's in moments like this when you get the chance - there rare opportunity  - to evaluate what you've been carrying around. What are those things, those habits that you take with yourself that may have been slowing you down? Which things have been burried under tons and tons of other stuff, that should have been at hand's reach for ages?

There are many things that we do not question, that we do not notice or ponder about normally, when our life is settled on the rails of rutine, but when that rutine is to be changed, and you must fit your life in a suitcase, or your whole office in a box, you get them in your hand and think: what's the purpose of this? And what is the purpose? Are you carrying the signs that truly represent you, or are you carrying your traumas and limitations? Are we a bird that values its feathers and take them to the travel, or a bird that's slowed down by carrying also the cage?

I find myself strangely detached and reluctant to decisions. Decisions about what goes and what stays. I sit at my cubie, checking mail, following up on projects and in the odd moments, revisiting old matters, old books, old writings. I'm detaching slowly from my surroundings, watching places and people around me from a cold distance often thinking: "this is not going to live for much longer". A handfull of ties lie in my hand and I'm pushing them slowly between the scissor blades of my decision. Acquintances and friends are about to fade off my life without their knowing so. I'm falling, in and out, speed is definitive, moves are definitive... I'm falling, and oh sweetest thing, how am I falling! So many years worth of memories, experiences, and souvenirs, all to be evaluated and decided upon, and some of them are just so precious... so precious.

Change isn't an easy thing - who said it was? - and when in change you feel like falling... perhaps the best thing to do is to take pencil and paper and write. Trish, there's a chance I'll continue what I sent you.

The leeves, at the same time, are giving away, not without the laborious help of those who shouldn't be involved in the matter. Gossip, oh ever present, omnipotent Gossip! The grapevine is vibrating with so much charged buzzing. Information - right or not, concerning or not, entitled or not - must be shared, so that the fire touches it and explodes in millions of exciting colors. Gossip, oh Gossip... those grapevines of bitter harvest I won't miss.

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