The View from My Window

Changing your life isn't something that - though may happen over night - switches in you automatically. You may have been dreaming for years about how wonderful your life would be in this or that way, in this or that place, in this or that circumstance... and if you are lucky and you get your wish granted, and the change you wanted comes, it doesn't mean that over night You will change and live your new life as if you have been born into it. It might sound stupid, but it takes experience to realize that things in real life are often much different than what they are in dreams.

For more years than what I care to remember - probably all my life - I have wanted, yearned, to live in Hungary. Whatever way, whatever form, I just wanted to live here, in Hungary - in Budapest, to be more precise. In the last years my life was almost held up for this one dream of mine. I worked all year to be able to travel to Hungary for a couple of weeks, and in those weeks I felt like I was alive, like I've come from a dark, lifeless mine where I moved automatically, where I was an inanimate pupet living in fake smiles and fake feelings, just waiting to be awoken by the gentle kiss of the white, sparkling winter and the soft, playful snow.

Today I am here and my life here begins. Still no job, still in the very begining, paging with my boyfriend through furniture calatogues and picking a bed and a table, desks and shelve units... and I just can't get my head around the fact that yes, I've a new life now, with new responsabilities and new struggles. Though I've lived looking up, to this moment, working for it, studying to make it happen, holding up on buying an appartment or getting engaged in any way that would pose any difficulty for me to move here, now that I am here, I still can't believe it. Is it real? Am I here for good? Really here for good? Is this snow and this cold, and the blue busses and the public transportation tickets part of my reality? My final and eternal reality from now on? Is it real that Vienna will be forever close to me, and Paris - my beloved Paris! - is a few hours away in plane?

I've a new life, the life I always wanted and I can't believe it, and I'm suddenly scared and thinking "what if I can't make it?"... but I am here, in my dream, and it's time to buckle up and slowly let myself be part of it.